Some days I really hate myself

One of those days is today. Seriously.

I have been such a mess the last couple of days, and to be completely honest I have no idea why. I'd like to blame Mother Nature, but let's be real...it's a crap excuse. A couple of nights ago, I came home from work and could not stop crying and it's just going downhill from there. Last night, I was just pissed at the world and I completely took it out on Dan. Just to cry some more and fall into his arms. Then this morning, I got mad about something else. Something in retrospect (and I think I knew it at the time too) that was so so stupid. So stupid. We were just yelling (okay let's be real...Dan doesn't yell...I do) and it just sucked. Period.

And I cried...more.

Honestly I hated myself this morning.
I still hate myself a little bit now for the way I acted this morning.

And it was in that frustration of this morning that I realized how incredibly lucky I am. I have the most amazing and understanding and wonderful husband in the entire world. Because he loves me through it all, and he just held me for a good part of the morning.

I'm so so lucky to have him and I don't know what I'd ever do without him. Ever.

I love him...so so much. So much so that it hurts sometimes. I've never met someone who makes me so frustrated and so mad sometimes, but he's seriously the only person I've ever wanted to talk to when I'm mad.

Anyway. I love my husband. And I take him for granted far too often.

That needs to change. Right now.

So here's my resolution: I am going to show my husband how much I really do cherish and appreciate him.

Beginning to understand...this sucks

So I think I'm finally beginning to realize after almost 5 months of dating why it is that M bugs Dan so much. I honestly for the longest time had a pretty big problem with it because I just didn't understand why he couldn't just take my word for it that I wanted to be with him and not M and that that is never going to change. And it hit me like a freaking wall of bricks yesterday. It's just like peach. UGH I hate realization moments sometimes. They really suck a big one.

It's that uncertainty, that need to know that no matter what it's always going to be you that they want at the end of the day. I don't know why I can't let it go. I mean peach doesn't talk to him and sure as hell is not about to say one word to me at all--which quite frankly pisses me off because let's not even try and pretend that we don't have a history but let's instead play the silent treatment game. I really would much rather be pleasant to each other, say hello and smile and acknowledge each other's existence and that we do know each other. Instead it's this awkward strain every time I see peach or am in the same room. Freak, today at church I was walking down the hall with Dan and just the sight made my stomach turn in knots. I know he loves me and would never leave me but it's just hard ya know? I honestly never thought I'd be this bothered by peach being out of my life...but peach is still in it!! I see peach at least twice a week on a regular basis...thank you for being in my class. FML. Okay not that dramatic, but you get it. I know it's ridiculous, trust me I do. Abbie reminds me of that. And I know I have the best thing ever out of the whole situation, but it's one of those things that doesn't really bug you till you have one of those days, ya know?

I really can't wait to be in Utah...actually Texas. That will be SO AWESOME! End of story.

Aside from peach, my friend (and I use friend pretty loosely...we're more acquaintances) just got engaged and it keeps popping up in my news feed!! I'm honestly getting irritated seeing it and sometimes I can't help but feel that mines never gonna happen. I know we're supposed to be together and we're going to Texas together, but it's just feels so far away sometimes. It's happening. I know it is...but the anticipation is killing me! The little stinker doesn't tell me anything anymore, which I'm all for a surprise but sometimes a ball park idea of when would be awesome. But it's alright...good things come to those who wait. :]

Geez...reading back at this, I sound super hostile. This midol is sure not helping with the moodiness...oh heck it's not even moodiness, I just want to be with him. It's pathetic. But its all I want to do all the time, just to be with him running errands and doing whatever.

On a brighter note, it snowed for a little bit today in T-town. It was terribly exciting, so much so that we all stood outside and took pictures in it. You know you live in Arizona when you brave the elements to take pictures in the snow/hail outside your apartment.

Words to live by: If you trust God enough to listen for His message in every sermon, song and prayer...you will find it. And if you then go and do what He would have you do, your power to trust Him will grow, and in time you will be overwhelmed to find that He has come to trust you. --Henry B. Eyring

A cuss word cause it's Monday.

It's been one of those days. You know. The days where nothing really goes wrong, it's just all irritating. And yes...I'm blaming Mother Nature again. What a little pest sometimes. Honestly, why can't she just take it all out in one blow? Instead, she insists upon draggin the little bugger out. Oh well, life goes on.

Okay, I'm listening to Alanis Morissette, and she pretty much knows just what to say and exactly how to say it. I'm feeling that it fits my mood perfectly. Slightly melancholy and a little irritated. You live, you learn, you laugh, you learns, you cry, you learn, you lose, you learn, you bleed, you learn, you scream, you learn. I guess all this irritation is for me to learn patience. Ugh...trials: why do you have to be so blatently honest and in front of my face. I ALREADY KNOW I NEED TO WORK ON IT!!

Enough with the dramatics. Today's been a day. Just one of them that's not terrible, but not great. I feel like I just repeated myself...oh wait...I did. Great. And to take it back from earlier, this attitude is probably my fault. Crap. So if I just admitted that, that means I have to own up to it and change it. Seriously this sucks.

So two hours later...much happier. Well sort of. Actually, I'm pretty exhausted, but I guess that's what I get for it being 1145 at night! All of my homework for this week so far is done though, and THAT never happens! Wahoo go team.

Dan brought up an interesting idea tonight to me, and I thought I'd share. He asked if I could wish for anything, what would it be? Not anything ridiculous like super powers, but something real. I still haven't thought of what I would wish for. I guess I kind of feel like in wishing for something, I'm not happy with where I'm at, but it is nice to wonder sometimes. If I had one wish though, it wouldn't be to take anything back or undo any decisions, because every single one of them got me here, and I'm happy. Honestly happy. Life is crazy, and that's never going to change. But I am happy. And that is something I hope never changes.

WHY?! Honestly, are we having this conversation?!

Ughhhh...severe irritation. PMS doesn't help...at all. So curtains and I were at a party, and we're walking back to his apartment and then he out of nowhere decides to go upstairs to his apartment and tells everyone except me to follow him up there. okay...so I take the hint, give the boys their space, and walk on my merry way back home, all the while getting progressively more irritated. No goodnight or goodbye or anything!

Halfway home--and I don't want to make it out like it was a far walk, it's not--I get this text. Conversation goes as follows:

C: Where are you?
M: Walking home.
C: What?!?!?!?!? Why :[
M: Because you guys went upstairs and I didn't know if I was supposed to follow you or not.
C: Wait :[ Dang it I was supposed to take you home
M: It's fine you're with [name]
C:I don't care! I wanna be with you!! (which at this point in the conversation if I wasn't so irritated--THANK YOU MOTHER NATURE--would have been an "aweeee" moment followed by and irreplaceable smile)

Anyway, I know it's completely dumb, but I'm just so bugged and I shouldn't be. I mean curtains didn't do anything wrong, but seriously? Am I that easily forgotten? Okay enough with the selfish questions. Obviously he didn't forget about me or else he wouldn't have texted me at all, right?

Another point of irritation this evening, why can't we ever say what we mean?! When someone knows you're obviously bugged about something and yet they STILL ask what's wrong. Ahhhhh!! But you can't just outright say exactly how you feel or what's wrong, especially over text. That's super dumb, but I'm so guilty of it. Sometimes, it just has to come out right then and there and you can't wait for the time when you're talking to them face to face.

One last thing before I quit this habit, funniest/awkward moment of my life today! So I was talking to peach about pharmacology on my way to the library to study. We're talking about the midterm we just took--EPIC FAILURE to say the least--and out of nowhere: So are you and [name] dating?! HOLY AWKWARD! Especially since peach is the jealous other...yes we've all experienced that. Seriously suckedddd. I practically choked on the answer!! It was so unexpected and I honestly have to hand it to her for having a pair to ask that to my face! Wowahhh. Anyway, such is life, full of awkward and irritating moments that at the end of the day (most days) I can laugh at. Today is one of them. Goodnight.