NCLEX

First things first: I could NEVER ever ever EVER have done this without these two.

The devil takes physical form in a test known as the NCLEX.

Those five innocent letters put together equal the most terrifying and horrific test to culminate my nursing career.

Let's preface this by saying I am the world's greatest procrastinator.

If there was a medal for it, I would win.
Not even kidding.

I had a great plan for passing said test.
I gave myself a two week break after school (Christmas break and all).
We were traveling to AZ for a few days over New Years anyway, so I figured it was a good time to take a break.
Then, we totaled our car driving to AZ.
Another story for another day.

When we got back from our adventure, I had every intention of studying!
The thing is, I seriously could not make myself care for the life of me.
To add insult to injury, I was already working full time and trying to adjust to life post-graduation.
Honestly, I was probably a little depressed.
It's a hard transition going from having a million things to do all the time to just working and studying for this heinous test.

I had to wait for my authorization to test, and that wouldn't happen until after my degree had been posted.
Degree posted on January 6.
I got online and filled out the application with DOPL.
I drove up one morning in the week following the degree posting to get my fingerprints done.
One of the nastiest mornings to drive all the way up to SLC.
All the rain made for an interesting drive up.
I turned in my application, got my fingerprints done, and paid the $100 application fee.
I was told it could take up to a week before getting my authorization to test.

Drove back and went to work.
I set up my account with Pearson View as well.
That was a little nerve-racking.
Then my ATT came in through my email.
Two days after submitting my application.
I died.
My heart sank in my chest.
It was the real deal.
I had 30 days to take my exam (by February 13).

Somehow, I mustered the courage to sign up for my exam.
I initially set it up for 2.2.15, which was a Monday.
After thinking about it more, I changed it to that Thursday, 2.5.15.

Paying the $200 to Pearson View and hitting submit nearly killed me.
Everyone at work was laughing at me.
I was pretty determined not to let anyone know when I was taking my test.
I don't think I could have handled it if I didn't pass and everyone was asking me about it.
The only people that knew besides my family were Amanda, Brenna, and Laura, the other nurses I work with.
I think I finally caved and told Dr. Garry and Scott, with strict instructions that they were not allowed to ask about the test the day after.
Thankfully, they listened.

I was okay at doing practice questions.
Okay I was horrible at it.
If I did one chapter a day, I was feeling pretty good!
Nothing that I felt would be enough to pass, but I was trying.

I remembered Renea telling us to study, pray, and then get a blessing.
I also had a thought to go to the temple.
I have been absolutely horrible about making the time to go this last year.
I've had every excuse in the book, and it's really pathetic that I'm surrounded by temples but can't make the time to go.
Well, we made the time to go.
And Satan put in overtime to make sure that didn't happen.

We went about two weeks before my test, and it took everything in me to get through the front doors.
It felt like I was pushing through a sea of something and everything was pulling me back.
Spiritually, I was fighting to get through those doors.
It was incredible the instant relief I felt as soon as I crossed that threshold.
It brought me to tears right there in the lobby of the temple.
I felt so lost and in such dire need of help that it was everything I could do to keep it together.
I remember telling Dan how afraid I was that I wouldn't pass.
I wasn't studying enough.
I knew that.
But I also knew that I was smart.
I could do this.

The next weekend, the weekend before my exam, we also went to the temple.
It was in this experience I had the feeling of calm and peace come over me.
It wasn't exactly comforting.
It was a peace that whatever happens, it will all be okay.
Not exactly reassuring, but it was all I had.

The week of the test, I didn't do a single question.
I did look at Renea's lecture notes and test taking strategies.
Those were INSANELY helpful!

The morning of my test, I got a blessing from my wonderful husband.
I don't remember much of what was said.
The only thing that sticks out about it was one phrase.
"Let your faith be greater than your fear"

I recalled this phrase many times throughout the rest of Thursday morning.
I headed out the door, put the address in my GPS.
It said it would take me an hour to get there!
I totally started freaking out.
I could not for the life of me figure out why it would take an hour to get to Draper.
I remembered that phrase again.
I turned on my location, and that time was cut in half.
I would make it just in time for the test at 8am.
Faith greater than fear.

My stomach ended up with a lead weight in it at some point on that drive.
Walking in to the building, I felt like I was signing my life away.
It was all on the line.
Right here.
Right now.
The culmination of my entire education reduced to one test.

As I was checking in, the guy asked me how I was doing.
"Okay."
It was honest.
I wasn't good, or great, or even remotely happy for that matter.
This all just needed to be over and done with so I didn't have to think about it.

I was escorted back to my cubicle to take my test.
I turned off the question counter.
I did not want to know where I was at.
I also didn't want to start freaking out if the test didn't shut off after 75 questions.
At this point, I just had to have faith that my education had prepared me.
That I was ready for this test.
That Heavenly Father would pull through for me.

The last time I checked the question counter was question #67.
I answered the question in front of me and had a thought that I would check where I was at after this  questions.
I answered it, clicked next, and my test shut off.
I totally jumped in my seat.
My heart sank in my chest.
It was over.
I had no idea how many questions I had answered.
I raised my hand and the proctor came and got me from my seat.
I signed out and left.
It was over.
All that stress for an hour and a half test.

I drove home, met Dan for late breakfast at Ihop, and decided that I should probably go to work.
I didn't want to be bored at home.
Dan had class.
Might as well go to work and make some money.

Amanda started checking that night to see if I had passed my NCLEX.
She would check DOPL to see if my license had been posted.
Scott started checking too.
I was determined not to look until Monday at least.

The weekend came and went.
Monday morning, I checked DOPL right when I woke up (5am).
License status: ACTIVE.
I shot straight up out of bed and kept saying "I passed! I passed!"

A few weeks later, I got my license in the mail.
It's pretty legit.
And now, I can officially say I'm a nurse.
Arielle, RN.
Hell yes.

Night Shift Diaries: Final Installment

I finished my final capstone shift a few weeks ago at UVRMC. I must say, it was a little more difficult than I thought it would be to finish. 

I've grown so much through this experience, and discovered that what I am really capable of. 

I've learned to be fiercely independent in caring for my patients. 

I've also learned that it's perfectly okay to ask for help. 

I have learned that having a good group of people that you work with can make any night pretty fantastic, despite the patient load or the "crankiness" of those patients. 

I built friendships and relationships that I hope to keep for quite some time. 

I found that I secretly (or not so secretly) love working night shift.

A few highlights from my last night shift as a nursing student:

-Addictions

Myles is an addict going through withdrawal.

Actually, he's an addict to students who do all his work.

On my last shift, he mentioned it was good that he had worked the day before too, because then he could go through withdrawal and get one last hit before I was really done.

He was complaining that he was going through withdrawal and actually had to do his own work.

Of course, he was kidding.

But it made me feel pretty good to know I had actually been helpful and not a drag.

Since finishing, I have visited a few times. 

Each time, Myles reminds me that he misses my help.

We've decided we make an excellent team and could handle anything.

-Laughing

The 6th floor is a great place to laugh about balls and weenies.

Meat balls, that is.

And the little sausage weenies in barbecue sauce.

Generally, the 6th floor is a great place to laugh hysterically about anything.

-Polygamy

We had a polygamist patient on the floor.

Myles said he might ask me to be his wife.

I replied that IF he asked me that, I would punch him in the balls.

-Excellent work ethic

On my last shift, Myles and I split up the work to divide and conquer.

I complimented (very sarcastically) his excellent work ethic.

He helped get all of our stuff done before I left.

His reasoning: he has to get used to doing all his own work again.

-Homemade brownies

I seriously would bring brownies at least every other week.

It's nice to have a little treat to help you make it through the evening.

Everyone loves them.

It's nothing crazy. Just a fudge brownie and a dark chocolate brownie mixed together.

Myles was eating one of said brownies.

Then he made a smart ass comment to Mycami, and started choking.

We couldn't help but laugh.

That's what you get.

-Your mom jokes.

Traci came into the break room while we were eating lunch and had to share the following two jokes.

Admittedly, they were stupid.

And that's why it was so funny.

Joke #1: Your mom's so dumb she bought tickets to Xbox live.

Joke #2: Your mom's so ugly she went to a One direction concert and they ran the other direction.

-Last highlight of the evening: I started an IV on Myles!

Success. I've still got it.

Guess it wasn't too painful after all.

And so ends my night shift career (for now) on the 6th floor at UVRMC.

It's been real.

And I really loved each moment of it.

How could you not with so many awesome people to work with?

I can't wait to go back.

Night Shift Diaries: Installment 2

This morning I finished my first 3 in a row.

Let's just say I slept from 7 till 3 today after I got home.

It was totally wicked.

I finally feel like I'm getting it.

The confidence thing is getting better and better.

I can do an assessment and chart it without much difficulty.

I took 3 patients on my own this week, and then helped with the other patients as well.

I actually feel like I'm making progress and one day I'll actually be able to take 6 patients. 

It's a great feeling.

I got home on Tuesday morning and threw my scrubs in the washer.

I took a nap, switched the wash, and got ready for work.

I went to work, and then came home to get ready for clinical.

HUGE problem: my white scrub top was dirty.

AFTER being washed.

The sleeves have a weird grey hue to them and the whole shirt has weird spots on it.

What gives!

So instead of getting the brownies finished, I had to leave early to go buy a new scrub top.

Sucked. I had to bring brownies because Myles and I lost a bet.

You see on Monday night, we were watching Love it or List it while eating lunch.

We bet with Bruce (the pct) that they would love the house. He thought they would list it.

Loser brought dessert. 

Myles and I lost. They listed the house.

Anyway, so I left the brownies at home.

Dan so sweetly and lovingly brought them to me at the hospital around 9.

It was so nice to see him for a few minutes.

We don't get to see each other as often as we'd like because I'm doing nights. 

It's all in the little things for us these days.

And the brownies were a huge hit!

The second highlight of the evening was not a pretty one.

I have smelled some pretty awful things in the last 3 years of nursing school.

Truly.

I know everyone who works in health care has inadvertently smelled some pretty terrible things.

But never have I ever actually started to heave because of a smell.

I've come close, but have always been able to pull myself together and soldier on.

Last night, it happened.

I started gagging and heaving at a smell.

Myles had warned me about it, but I figured it's just like the other smells.

You just don't breathe through your nose and really just don't breathe at all if you can help it.

It didn't work.

Oh heavenly days I was so glad that no one could see me and that any inflection in my voice didn't change.

I walked right back out, with a good excuse of needing to get some clorox wipes.

It was the strangest feeling!

My eyes were watering and I could feel my blood pressure dropping.

Seriously, I've never actually almost thrown up because of a smell.

Now I can check that off the bucket list. 

Thankfully after 5 min or so of pulling myself together, I walked right back in and finished the task.

No gagging or heaving.

I know this is totally disgusting, but it's these little gems that I want to remember.

Stinky smells are not gems per say, but it's an impactful memory for me. 

One that reminds me that I can do anything when I have the drive and motivation to get it done.

Another gem that I forgot to blog about:

A week or so ago, we had a patient that had CBI.

Unfortunately, the catheter kept clotting off so we would have to slam in 60mL of saline to try to break up the clots.

If the catheter is not super securely held, the force of pushing in the saline will pop the syringe right off.

I was helping Myles and when he started to push in the saline, I got sprayed.

No joke.

With bloody, urine saline.

Disgusting.

But seriously hilarious.

Myles felt so bad, but it was super funny.

Especially now.

Anyway, there's the funnies for the last few weeks.

On a bright note, I am more than halfway done with my clinical shifts!

10 down. 8 to go!!

Night Shift Diaries: Installment 1

I worked at the hospital last night. 

It was epic. For several reasons. 

Let's start from the top.

Myles was charging, so I had to be there an hour earlier than the usual 6pm.

Normal 5 o'clock traffic getting off the freeway in Provo.

I switch lanes because the left turn lane is 3 blocks away.

I notice that everyone in front of me is slowing down.

Expected. 5 o'clock traffic. 

Then it's a sudden stop.

I could've crapped a brick. I was not expecting it. 

Thankfully, I had space to stop without totally slamming on the brakes. 

Then the dead stop doesn't start to move again. 

For 1 minute. 2 minutes. 3 minutes.

In my head, I'm thinking what the heck is going on?!

I started looking around and that's when I saw a guy writhing in pain on the road. 

Motorcycle sideways on the street. 

My heart completely sank. 

In that moment, I was reassured that neither my husband nor my children will ever own a motorcycle. 

We then continued to sit there for 10 more minutes or so. 

The police show up. Then the ambulance and the fire truck. 

Thankfully, the guy looked okay because he was moving around some, and he had a helmet on.

The next few minutes were interesting. 

I had to reverse my car a block to get around the accident.

It was an experience I hope never to do again. 

I stopped by Dan's work to quickly say hello and goodbye.

You see, I was already late. 

I was supposed to be on the floor at the hospital as I pulled into Dan's work.

I had to stop though. 

I wouldn't see him for the next 12 hours and even then, only for a few precious moments before he would have to leave for work.

Working nights kind of sucks a lot in that respect.

But it's okay. We make the time in those little moments.

When I got back into the car to leave, it wouldn't start.

Seriously. WTF.

Guess what? I pulled in so fast that I didn't shift the car into park.

In fact, it was stuck in reverse.

*Palm to face.*

Dan came to the rescue and all was well.

Finally made it to the hospital 15 minutes late. Not the end of the world. 

The shift was awesome.

Actually, a little on the slow side.

But it turned out to be brilliant.

Probably the best shift I've ever had in terms of morale.

Tracey, Myles and  I all got the giggles around 330 and we were doomed since then.

I'm sure most of it was the tired and too much caffeine.

But it was hilarious.

So much in fact Myles and I would go into fits of giggles for the rest of the shift.

I had to leave the charge nurse report because I couldn't stop laughing.

I tried to compose myself and come back in.

I opened the door and looked at Myles and immediately started right in laughing again.

The best part about it all, it was the kind of laughing that makes your stomach hurt.

And then you start crying because you just can't help yourself.

It was fantastic.

Now, to get some sleep and then go for round 2 tonight.

Bring it on.

I'm making brownies and we may be teaching Myles how to twerk.

Stay tuned.

Destruction at it's finest

Lately, Miss Ruby has taken to being a destructive little crap face. 

And I say crap face with the utmost love for her. 

But really. Dan sent me this picture last night while I was working at the hospital.

Yeah. She tore open the couch. 

To what end, I'll never know nor will I understand. 

She baffles me when she acts out.

She really never destroys anything. Not even when she was teething. 

And now, at almost 5 months old, she's taken to being destructive. 

Go team.

Thankfully 98% of the time, she's cute and snuggly like this.

Oh Ruby girl. 

You slay me sometimes. 

Here's to much more frequent and longer walks to get out this excess puppy energy. 

Night life

I did my first night shift on Friday. 

Holy cow it was exciting/nerve racking/interesting/fulfilling/exhausting.

Did you catch all that? 

I'm very proud to say that I survived and with only minimal caffeine. 

But we'll get to that part. 

I was supposed to work on Friday, but I had told Scott that I wouldn't be in because it was my first shift and all that jazz. I had planned to run a few errands in the morning, take half a benadryl around 11, sleep till 3, and then get ready to go. 

First shift and all, I wanted to be prepared and ready to go. 

As all well-laid plans go, it went straight to hell.

Not even kidding. 

I got guilted into coming into work, and what was supposed to be only an hour to help with charts turned into 2.5 hours and lunch to Masa (which if you've never been, GO!! Right now. Delicious.).

After finally getting home, I started getting ready and suddenly was completely dreading going to clinical. 

It's that awful pit feeling in your stomach.

I get it every semester before the first clinical. 

This was no different. 

Except no preassessment on my patient.

And it's night shift. 

NBD.

I stopped by Dan's work on the way to clinical, said hello, I love you, all that cute gushy stuff that married people say to each other. Reminded him of a few things I needed him to do when he got home, and I was off. 

Walking into the hospital, I had a minor moment of panic. You see there are 2 sets of elevators at UVRMC: the west elevators and the east elevators, the latter being the ones I needed to take. However, I didn't know the east elevators existed. 

I've only been on the west elevators to see a friend who had a baby.

Those elevators only go up to the 4th floor.

I needed to get up to the 6th floor. 

In my minor moment of panic, I decided to keep walking around the corner hoping and praying that another set of elevators would appear. 

Lo and behold, there they were. In all their shiny chrome glory. 

My preceptor is awesome. Hands down he's pretty legit. 

His name is Myles and I'd say we're in for a rocking semester. 

It's always nice when within 5 minutes of meeting someone you can joke around and be laughing. 

We had a great night. Fairly uneventful. New admit, and an adventure down to radiology. 

Did I mention I didn't get a nap at all on Friday? 

Well, I paid for that dearly between the hours of 1 and 3 am. 

Nodding off, my body practically begging for some sleep.

My preceptor even told me I could go take a quick nap. 

To which I definitely declined.

Seriously, never forgetting that again. The nap, I mean.  

I had a great and glorious plan to forego the caffeine. 

As I mentioned above, like most greatly laid plans, that went straight to hell. 

I finally caved around 245 and found the nearest vending machine. 

Surprisingly, I sipped it very slowly. Not really sure why, but it helped. 

I didn't get this huge jolt/rush of caffeine to my system. So, while I did wake up, I didn't crash 2 hours later, which was a huge blessing.

I just knew if I could make it to 4 am I would be totally fine. 

The rest of the evening whisked right on by, and before I knew it, we were giving report to the oncoming nurse. And when I say we, I mean Myles.

Let's be honest: first shift, the only thing I was super comfortable with besides head to toe assessments was hanging IVs. 

Got that in the bag. 

I learned a few great tips from Myles in the first shift: 

1. Chart as you go. That way it never gets put off and you don't have to remember what you did. 

2. Be a real human being with the patient's. 

I know that last one sounds pretty obvious, but it was really refreshing to see someone actually implement it. Sometimes, and I'm definitely guilty of it, nurses get too busy and too caught up in what they need to get done, that they don't take a minute to just sit with the family and talk to them. It was great to see that put into action and how well it works. 

And because we could all use a good duck face at 630 am after being awake for 23 hours....

One shift down, 17 to go. 

Oh brother. 

LAST first day of school

Well ladies and gents, it actually happened. I have finally started my VERY LAST semester of nursing school EVER!!!!! <-- If you can't tell how I feel about it, take a look at all those exclamation points. I'm excited to say the least. 

As first days go, it was fine. Boring. Overwhelming. And almost a somber feeling. This is the last first day of school I will have until I get super crazy and go back for a masters degree. This is the last first day I will have with this amazing group of people I have been so privileged to embark on this journey with. But it was also a very happy feeling. We are nearly there. We did it. We survived MedSurg. And then we all survived ICU despite those awful quizzes. The homestretch is here...finally. 

I can honestly say though, I thoroughly enjoyed every last drop of summer. I did not do a single NCLEX prep question, or worry about any assignments. That was pure bliss. 

I will be doing my capstone rotation on the 6th floor at UVRMC. Night shift. It should be fun. I'm a little worried about staying awake at night, but I'm sure it will be fine. Just an adjustment. Dan is a little sad about having to sleep alone, but Ruby will totally snuggle up to him! He'll be just fine. 

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear." 

Capstone: prepare to be demolished. 

Xxo, me.

Looking forward to the future

I haven't been on here in quite awhile. In fact, I've all but completely neglected this blog, but I just can't apologize for it. I have been so busy with school and just life in general that even when the thought crosses my mind to blog, it's usually right before my head hits the pillow. And lets be honest, when that happens, I'm out like a light in 5 minutes flat. Really. I could probably hold a record in the fastest time to fall asleep.

In all seriousness though, I've been thinking a lot lately about my future. I graduate next year. NEXT YEAR!!! You have no idea how long I have been waiting to say the words "I graduate in December...THIS December." No more "next December." No more "2014." I can now say {almost} this year!!

Dan has been asking me what I am going to do after school, and to be frank, I haven't the slightest clue what I will do after school. It terrifies me. The dream has always been to graduate nursing school and to be a nurse. After that, I have no idea what I am going to do. When Dan asked me the other night what I was going to do after school, after a long conversation, I finally said:

I guess I'll have to find a new dream.

I don't know about you, but finding a new dream is down right scary. Especially when I have had this dream planned out to the "T" since I was 8 years old. You think I'm kidding about that last part, but sadly I'm not. So in the spirit of finding that new dream, I have been led to think a lot about what other goals I want to accomplish with my life, a more serious bucket list of sorts. Of course I have a bucket list going {refer to this post} but that's more trivial things...if you can call starting a clinic in Africa trivial.

Family. That's really what has been on my mind. I cannot wait to start my own little family one day. The thought is absolutely terrifying and I cannot imagine being entirely responsible for a new little life. I can't imagine the struggle it would be to bring that little life into this world. But when I see pictures like this, my heart aches for something that makes our family complete.

This is Dan holding our nephew Kason after he was born (almost 7 years ago!!). I just stumbled upon this picture and I cannot wait for that to be our baby he's holding.

I know for a lot of people it's not a huge deal. You want a family, then have baby! It's never been that simple for me though. I have a plan and a goal and a dream. And things for this dream have never gone according to plan. But I have 1 year left. I can do this. Power through, finish one dream, then move onto the next right?

I'll probably be over this in a few days, and realize how absolutely insane I would have to be to deliberately try to have a baby right now, especially as school winds down and I take the NCLEX. But it creeps into the back of my mind more than I care to admit. Maybe that's just Heavenly Father's way of reminding me what I really do want out of this life, consciously or subconsciously. For now, it's a good thing my awesome friend Kristi lives close and has an adorable baby!!

New dream: a family. 

High on life

You guys...today has been a great day. Phenomenal, in fact. I did not think it would end this way, considering everything I had to do today.

Last night, I was studying and finishing up some homework that was due this morning. I went to bed around 12:30 and woke up at 5 this morning to get everything finished. No sleep for nursing students. Anyway, I get ready, finish the homework and head to school. We had a Professionalism Conference today...blah. Really, these things are kind of a drag. The keynote speaker always loses me 15 minutes into the presentation. It didn't help today that I had to study for a test I was taking later that day. 

To make it even better, they dimmed the lights. It should be cardinal rule during any presentation that extends longer than 30 minutes that you MUST do the following:
1. Keep the room cold--okay, not so much cold, but definitely NOT warm
2. Keep the bright lights on
3. Be engaging, or at least entertaining--powerpoint is not engaging. Or at least that's what they tell us in school. And it wouldn't hurt if they threw in a joke every now and then.

So anyway, we get through the keynote speaker (hallelujah) and then we had 3-30 minute break out sessions. Usually these are kind of a drag too. Surprisingly, and gratefully, today they were not. They were actually quite interesting. Well, 2/3 were interesting, which is a pretty good run for these professionalism conferences.

We get lunch, and then some of us had to rush off to a Global Health information meeting. Next summer, we get to participate in a global health semester, which is the semester where most people go abroad (Ghana, Tonga, Taiwan, India...). I have always planned on staying in Utah for this semester--I'm a little attached to my husband and sleeping in my own bed next to him. Today, I had quite a little revelation, or inspiration. Whatever you want to call it. It was awesome! And a little daunting.

The instructors started talking about the group that goes to Washington D.C. for their study abroad. Something about their little 2 minute presentation really spoke to me, and I just had this feeling, the small little ones in the back of your mind, telling me that's where I wanted to and needed to go. I went to a little informational meeting about it, and I kept getting more and more excited.

But the excitement had to be put on hold. I had to study for a test, which proved to be quite difficult. I could not for the life of me focus. But FINALLY (after 3 hours of dinking around trying to study), I buckled down, studied hard, and sailed pretty well through the test. I was so happy with my grade! It was an entire letter grade improvement from the first test--who wouldn't be happy with that.

Then I was able to get back to the excitement of Global Health. I talked to Dan, and he instantaneously said yes! I had to ask him 3 or 4 or 10 times if he was sure he was okay with me being gone for 8 days and spending a little extra money to go to D.C. He was. He's awesome!! So kids, I did it. I signed up to go to D.C. for my global health study abroad and I'm so so excited about it. And Dan is already brainstorming ways for us to help raise a little money to pay for some of the cost to go (he really is the best husband ever!).

Anyway, I'm a little high on life right now. I've had a great day, which is quite the change from Friday (thank goodness) and I just feel so so blessed in my life to have married the man I did, to be at the school I'm at, and to be in this wonderful nursing program that has presented me with countless opportunities to grown, succeed, and diversify myself from other nursing students. I feel truly and richly blessed.

Happy Monday everyone!

*Side note: I realized that I should probably blog more often so that it's not just "I hate my life" rants and "Life is awesome" posts. Just a thought--it may or may not happen. I just can't quite commit to that one.

Rant

If you're not in the mood for a "frustrated, I'm a little pissed at the world, can't stand my life" kind of moment, come back another day. That's just who I am this week.

Guys, it will be a HUGE and FANTASTIC miracle if I make it through this semester without either
1. Being medicated
2. Taking up drinking
3. or Doing hard drugs

It's a damn joke, my life. And believe me, this is me trying to have a good attitude about it. But clearly that's not working yet. I'm still fighting too hard against the stupid loop holes nursing school forces you to jump through. I'm sure in the morning, I will be ready to face my life, deal with my issues, and start jumping so damn high that I'll have reached the clouds. Until then, welcome to my little pity party.

This semester has been THE most challenging by far since I started school. Balancing my marriage, school, work, my health and well being, and my own spirituality has proven to be So. Hard. I feel like I'm constantly running on empty, and there's always more work to be done than I have time or energy to give.

School feels so insanely unorganized with too much work to get done in a week, let alone a day, and get enough sleep to continue functioning. I really do stay pretty on top of my life. I have a calendar, and a planner, and reminders in my phone. I get things done. I do them right. But for one reason or another, I completely spaced on part of my assignment. To add insult to injury, my instructor was less than helpful or understanding about it, and to be honest, a little condescending and unforgiving. I understand that I didn't get it done, and that's fine. I can own that. What really grinds at me is that it's the first week of clinical. How in the world are we expected to get every single little thing right the very first week. Can't you cut a girl just a little slack? Take points off for being late, whatever, but at least show a little kindness and understanding.

Just empathize a little. Recognize that I, the STUDENT NURSE, don't know everything. I am just LEARNING. I don't have 20+ years of nursing experience in one particular field under my belt. I haven't seen THAT much. And what I have seen has been in 3 separate fields, and no two fields are alike. Respect that I am trying to learn and master skills. I'm trying to apply the things I have learned in YOUR lecture to my clinical experience.

The stress and anxiety of it all is making me sick. Literally. My stomach has been in knots for the last week. Today, I barely made it out of the hospital before I burst into tears because it's too much. Much too much.

So tomorrow will be a better day. Tomorrow HAS to be a better day. For now, I'm going to finish a few things and just be done for the evening.

Checking out. 

Pulling my hair out

I feel like this is my life right now. Today. Tomorrow. This week. This whole damn semester. 

I wouldn't be all that surprised if by the end of the semester I have some grey hair, or my hair is falling out. It's ridiculous to say the least. So much for this being the "easy" semester of nursing school. It's already turning out to be much more difficult that Med-Surg. Not in the content, but in the amount of work they're asking us to do. You guys, it's a freaking joke. 

Care for a sample? 

For tomorrow, I have to have read 2 chapters in my Mom/Baby book (mind you these chapters are like 80-100 pgs long each), 30 pages plus another 80 page chapter for Pediatrics, and then 4 different articles for Ethics. 

Oh and to add icing to this cake, I have a public health module that I have to complete by the end of the week...which let's be real for a minute--it's a waste of my freaking time. I pay my college tuition not so I can do it online, but so I can sit in a classroom and have instructors teach me. Ugh. We won't get into that.

I feel like in a nutshell, this semester is a mess. It's all over the place and so completely disorganized I can't even stand it. I try so hard to keep myself organized and I just feel more and more frustrated with each email that I get telling me about a different assignment, or changes to an assignment. I kind of want to scream at someone to get their shit together. The faculty expect that out of us, don't you think it's rightly fair that we expect that out of them? 

I get that occasionally there's going to be changes, and not everything works out in real life as well as it looks on paper. But really, it's like one thing after another. And I'm over it. Done. Checked out. Ready for it to be Christmas break and onto a new semester. 

At the end of the day, this is what my life feels like. A complete and utterly disgusting mess. And I hate it. It gives me so much stress because everything is all over the place despite my best efforts to keep it organized. Not joking-I have a planner (that I'm ACTUALLY using this semester to write everything down) and a white board that's probably 3-4 feet long with a gigantic calendar drawn on it and all of my assignments color coded so I know what's what. I'm pretty freaking organized. 

But it's still not enough. I probably should consider investing in a personal secretary to keep me on task and getting my assignments completed. 

Because, at the end of the day...I feel like this. Crash and burn. 

At some point...somethings gotta give. At some point...this will all get better. At SOME POINT...I will look back on these days and laugh...or at least smile. Right?

Little Miracles

You guys...we have a slight problem. I have been doing a TON (literally a ton) of OB prep before I start clinical this Friday. I'm seriously so excited to actually be on the floor, and to top it all off I get to start out in Labor & Delivery!!! If you had talked to me about this a week ago, I would not have been this excited, at all.

What has caused this change of heart, you might ask? All of this OB prep. And touring the hospital last week to see where we would be each week as we rotate through all the mother/baby services at the U of U hospital. I just watched a video that basically takes you through the entire process of having a baby-conception to birth. So freaking awesome.

Really. Like it is no small miracle that so many things go right so often.

And to make this even better, at clinical on Friday I actually got to witness a birth!!! I could have cried (I didn't...that's awkward). But there was such a presence and at least for me, I could feel the Spirit so close in that moment. I really am going to enjoy my L&D semester.

BUT...it did remind me that I am definitely not ready to have babies of my own yet.

Good thing I have a year and half left of nursing school to get used to that idea of pushing a baby out. But, man I can't wait to see what they will look like...

3 Cheers for the Weekend

Yay for Saturday!!! In my opinion, one of the best days of the week. This semester, it will be an especially welcomed day. You see, this semester, I have clinical on Fridays...for 12 hours. I may die. I really am excited though, and this week I'm on Labor & Delivery!!! I thought I would be totally freaked out by the idea, but I really am excited for it.

In celebration of the end and survival of the first week back to school, guess what I am doing today? Homework. But I'm actually happy about it, because I am trying really hard to stay on top of school this year, not procrastinate (too terribly bad--old habits die hard), and be prepared for all my lectures. I've committed to myself to spend {at least} an hour every Saturday to getting organized for the next week and getting any last minute loose ends from the previous week tied up and completed. So far, we're doing good!

Anyway, school has been great so far and I'm really excited for the upcoming weeks and months ahead. Bring on the screaming mommas and crying babies!! 

Winner winner Chicken dinner!

Let me start off by saying I never win anything. Ever. So much to the point that I stop even trying because I'm just like "ehh...whatevs." You know the feeling. Second, my best friend is getting married next week (HOLLAH) so you can only guess what that means....ARIZONA NEXT WEEK! I'm so stoked to get out of this horrendous cold weather and see some sunshine that actually has some heat packed into it! Of course, I'm also starting to get sick. It hit me yesterday, and today it's gotten worse. I think it's just a cold, but I've been downing mucinex like a mother to try and nip it in the butt. 

But back to contests. Dan works with a lady who is a part of this blog: http://ryrpacers.blogspot.com. Check it out. It's actually pretty cool. Well they were having a giveaway and Dan said we should enter because the prize was compression socks. I have been looking  into getting a pair of stockings for nursing because I can already feel my legs hurting halfway through the shift. I really really REALLY do not want varicose veins either. Hand over the granny stockings and keep my legs looking pretty! Anyway, so we entered the contest. Moved on with life, did homework, and went to bed. Oh and I took some mucinex...

I had lab this morning. Chest tubes and phlebotomy. Great fun actually, except we didn't know we were sticking each other. Luckily, it was successful on all fronts. I had a successful draw and Morgan had a successful draw on me! Susie (one of our instructors) had a vein finder/scanner type thing. I think we decided it reads the oxygenation off your skin with this red light...anyway, your veins are completely black under this light. It was LEGIT!! This is what it looked like under the light, except pretend the light was red instead of green. Same idea though. (picture pulled from the internet-I was too fascinated to take my own picture)

I have research right after, and I had 2 different texts from Dan saying Guess what?! Well, 2 hours later, I texted him back and then he said that I had won the compression socks!!! I totally didn't believe him, because I really never win anything. I checked on my phone though, and sure enough I had won! 

Crazy stuff huh?! Anyway, it just about made my entire day. That, and I didn't hyperventilate when Morgan was sticking me with the needle. I really am quite ridiculous and seriously traumatized. Oh well...it can only go up from here! So these are the kind of socks I'm getting! I picked black just so Dan and I can both wear them. I'm so so excited!!! (Photo from procompression.com).

Happy Thursday everyone!! Off to run errands and get crap done. 

ARIZONA BOUND NEXT WEEK!!!

Challenge

Leaving the gym yesterday, I really remembered why I've let things get this way. It is hard. Really effing hard (for lack of a better word). Guess what makes it even harder? When you're dehydrated. Word. So here's the story. Yesterday I had a med-surg test that I didn't start studying for until Tuesday morning. Procrastinating? Yes. Basically I've worked procrastination to an art. I should probably get an award. Anyway, back to the story. So I went to school at 11 and was at school from 11-6. Took my test at 6. And hit the gym around 645. Oh and I forgot my water bottle.

So I pansied out big time. But at least I went right? That's what I keep telling myself.

1.25 miles; 17:16.

Note to self: Never ever EVER forget water bottle again!

On a side note, I found this interesting article a few days ago and I really like it. If you want to read it, click here! Basically, it was saying to use your bathroom scale wisely because it can actually sabotage your weight loss/fitness goals. It recommended to check your weight NO MORE THAN once a week, and even then, don't rely on the number. Rely on how you feel! If you feel great and you think you look great, then that's GREAT!! Make sense? Anyway, I really liked it because it's helping me not focus so much on the number, but how my body feels. Already I'm feeling so much better! And after just 2 days, my clothes already fit better!!

I have this goal: I want to make it to 80 without having any chronic illnesses and I want my heart to still like me. After that, I'm pretty convinced that you're bound to get something because your body is wearing out. But if I can make it to 80...I will be one happy lady :]

The {almost} successful IV start

Today was IV insertion day. To say I've been a nervous wreck is the understatement of the year. Seriously, it's a little ridiculous. But I was determined to stick someone, and let someone else stick me. It's really the only way to learn...and develop sympathy for your patients.

I let Lauren stick me, and due to the semester of phlebotomy I took, and being stuck in my antecubital area on both arms...I'm a little traumatized. I gave blood a few months ago and really thought I was going to pass out from the anxiety of getting stuck with the large bore needle. It's bad. So I just asked Lauren to stick me in my hands. For me, those don't hurt at all. She {gratefully} obliged! Don't judge me for this anxiety I'm about to relay to you. I don't know how else to explain it other than a traumatized anxiety.

I can't watch myself getting stuck. I tense up, and that makes everything hurt THAT much worse, and make your vein THAT much harder to find. I turned my head and started focusing on my breathing--slow, controlled, and trying to stay relaxed. I felt super bad because after it was over, Lauren and I both realized we were stressed for each other, and not ourselves! Anyway, she stuck me and my stupid vein rolled right out of the way! I felt so bad for her, but it didn't hurt me, and she was fine. 

Then I got ready to stick Mariah. She had some AWESOME antecubital veins. Right on the surface, and big! Seriously, they were beautiful! I had everything all ready, inserted the needle, saw the flash, and was starting to push the catheter completely into the vein when all of the sudden the needle is retracting! I was so completely in shock because I didn't remember pushing the safety to retract the needle, but apparently I did. Sucks because everything was going so well!! So since she has this catheter in her arm, she starts bleeding and it was a huge blur. I just remember thinking I have to stop this bleeding! Luckily we were in school so my instructor is right there and she's helping me the whole time. We stopped the bleeding, and in retrospect, what seemed like an eternity to get the catheter out actually happened super fast. Thank goodness Mariah is such a champ and was not freaking out at all! 

So that's my story for today. It was quite exciting and even thought I didn't get to set up the entire IV system, I'm pretty proud of myself for getting into her vein!! Nursing school...it twists your sense of humor and excitement. 

89.7

What a joke. Seriously. If it's gonna be a "B" then let's not be so cruel. For real. Freaking nursing tests...

Oh well, it's over. Now onto the long haul to finish the rest of the week, TB test tomorrow, CPR class Friday, finals next week. Boom.
Crank this baby out.

Why Sunday's are my favorite...and then some

(Preface...I wrote this ohhh 2 weeks-ish ago, and said nursing test that will be discussed later, well I have another one coming up. Oh the irony. This one I predict will go much better).

Not only do I get to spend the ENTIRE day with my wonderful wonderful husband, but it’s also the day that I get to be at Church, and feel the love of my Heavenly Father as I learn and grow more and more in the gospel. I know I can (and should) be doing this every day, but Sunday is just that day that’s set aside specifically for this one purpose. And that’s just one of the many reasons I love love Sundays.

But in order to understand this love a little bit better, we need to rewind to Saturday.

Saturday was the last day to take my nursing test. Yes I am a procrastinator. Always have been, and I’m pretty sure I always will, though I do have the resolve just about every week that I will do better (and for the most part this semester that’s worked out pretty well…except for this test). So I took Dan to work Saturday morning, and came home to study. I studied studied studied my little brain out, and I felt like I was doing okay. Then I realized that the study guide that had been handed out only had half the material on it. First “crap.”

I found the rest of the study guide online, downloaded it, and then proceeded to finish studying. I go to pick Dan up from work at 1 and had a little inkling to check the testing center line conditions (I had heard that on Thursday the lines were out the door and the wait was an hour to get in). Since the testing center closes at 4 on Saturdays, that means the last test is handed out at 3. So I wanted to be there around 2 just to be on the safe side. I checked the line conditions on my phone, and low and behold, it was packed! Second “crap.”

I panicked. Completely and utterly panicked. I hadn’t finished looking through all the material and hadn’t even really hit the important stuff. I rushed home with Dan in tow, burst through the front door, gathered up all the pages I’d been studying, printed off the study guide I’d been working on, and ran back out the door. I was in tears. It was a little ridiculous, but I honestly and truly felt like I was about to legitimately fail a test for the first time in my life. I had made a goal to get all A’s on my tests this semester, and so far I’d done just that: New Testament, Statistics, and this Nursing test was going to ruin it all. (This part was like the overwhelming “crap” going on in my head. Don’t judge, I have high standards for myself.)

We booked it to school, Dan dropped me off, and I was still in tears because I knew there was no way this one was happening. I didn’t deserve it on any account to do well on this test, and I sure as heck did not deserve to even ASK for the help I DEFINITELY DID NOT deserve. I get to the testing center, and just catch out of the corner of my eye a glimpse of the line: it was out the door. Third “crap.” (Though this one might have gone through my head more colorfully).

This time I kept the tears in, after all I didn’t want to fail a test and be completely embarrassed on campus all in the same day. A girl’s gotta keep a little dignity with her. So I’m standing in line, which surprisingly moved fairly quickly, and looking through all the powerpoint slides, frantically trying to remember all the things I’ve learned the last few weeks. I offered up a silent, pleading prayer, fully acknowledging that I had not prepared enough and that I knew I didn’t deserve any help on this one, but asking just the same. I had done all the reading (really, ALL the readings), all the homework, paid attention in class, and I just prayed that that would be enough, to just help me remember THAT stuff. I had another thought, to read my scriptures.

I came across this little gem: 2 Nephi 11:7

“For if there be no Christ, there be no God; and if there be no God we are not, for there could have been no creation. But there is a God, and he is Christ, and he cometh in the fulness of his own time.”

I’m a firm believer that He hears me, that He knows exactly who I am, and that He completely understands why I do the things I do. I’m also a firm believer that He knows exactly what I need to hear when I need to hear it. I’ve read this scripture before, and it hit me then much like it did on Saturday. Only this time, when I read that, it was almost like I felt Him tell me It’s okay, I can make up the difference, I know you’re not perfect, and you were never meant to be in this life. All I ask is that you try and consecrate your life to me. (In a lot more simpler feelings that words cannot quite express).

The test went great, in fact better than I could have hoped. I knew everything on the test except maybe 5 questions, and of those 5 I still felt moderately comfortable with the information. I turned it in, called Dan, and then decided to check my score. I was secretly in my heart of hearts hoping for an A (even if it was a 90, it’s still an A), all the while knowing that if I had gotten a B I would have been overjoyed! It loaded, and I almost broke down in tears right there. I had only missed 3 questions, and gotten a 93.6%.

You know those moments when you don’t even know where to begin to express how grateful you are for all the blessings in your life (especially the ones you see immediately) and “thank you” just never seems adequate, but it’s the only thing you can say?

This was one of those.

I jumped (practically) into Dan’s arms when I saw him, and I think he was honestly more excited than I was about this. Before I walked in to take the test, he had text me this: I CAN DO THIS! I AM SMART! I HAVE FAITH! I AM HAPPY! (these were each repeated 3x). I breathed a sigh of relief and it was all I could do to keep from crying (it was an emotional day) and smiling and laughing all at the same time. And then I told Dan crap! Now this means I have to keep the A’s on tests up! Haha go figure I was looking to let myself out of that goal!

Then Sunday came, remember it’s my favorite day of the week, and Dan was teaching Sunday School and had us look up this scripture: 3 Nephi 1:12-14

“And it came to pass that he cried mightily unto the Lord all that day; and behold, the voice of the Lord came unto him saying:

Lift up your head and be of good cheer; for behold, the time is at hand, and on this night shall the sign be given, and on the morrow come I into the world, to show unto the world that I will fulfill all that which I have caused to be spoken by the mouth of my holy prophets.

Behold I come unto my own, to fulfill all things which I have made known unto the children of me from the foundation of the world, and to do the will, both of the Father and of the Son—of the Father because of me, and of the Son because of my flesh. And behold, the time is at hand, and this night shall the sign be given.”

So it’s talking about the sign of Christ’s birth that would be seen in the America’s, but the bolded part was really the message he was looking to grasp from this. I think the background information is important though. Anyway, it was just another one of those that I felt was directed to me personally (though I’m sure many people felt that way too).

Dan had these words written on the chalkboard: OPPOSITIONàPOSITIONàPOSITIVE

It looked something like this after he was done explaining everything:

OPPOSITIONàPOSITIONàPOSITIVE

The underlying message was that we should be positive when we face our trials and to never back down.

Take home message: be positive through your opposition. You don't have to like it, but be happy through it. If there's anything I have learned throughout my life (geez it sounds like I've lived forever) it's that my Heavenly Father knows me. He loves me. He is aware of me. Time and time again I'm reminded of that, and it always makes me cry...but a happy cry. A grateful cry. It's a goal of mine to personally try to be happy. All the time. Even if I have to fake it for a bit till I really believe it.

Anddd...since this was originally written 2 weeks ago...test update: I have gotten A's on all my tests, except 1 (and that one was a B)! (I have a theory on that...more to come later.)

The struggle bus

This week has been less than ideal...and it's only Tuesday. Let's just say for arguments sake that three tests in one week does not have the most promising and uplifting of outlooks. Too say it's quite daunting is the understatement of the year.

But all the same, this too shall pass. Because last time I checked, three tests in 6 days does not equate to the world ending. Before I know  it, Saturday will be here, and this hellish week will be a distant memory.
Unfortunately, not too distant.
The reality is, after this week, I have another test next week, and another one the week after.
At least those I will have some legitimate time to study for.

Yesterday (Monday) was a long day. Monday's are always long days. I'm at school from 8 am till 7 pm, but I'm over that much of it. Yesterday was an exceptionally long day. I didn't sleep all that well the night before, and I knew how much stress this week was holding in it's grimy little hands waiting to unleash upon me. I braved the day, much like I always do, and went to lab. This is where it starts to roll down hill.

We had to give all our shots again. No big. The time constraint...that was big. I had to prepare all the oral meds, calculate four doses, prepare and administer four shots in about 30-45 minutes. Now to all the experienced nurses out there, this is cake, child's play. But to the itty bitty little stressed out nursing student, this is slightly short of hell. Anyway, it came and went and was over, thank goodness. Only it wasn't. I'd forgotten to give one shot, so I hurried and grabbed the supplies, drew up the dosage and gave the shot. Fatal mistake.

I failed epically in that last 30 seconds before giving the injection. I pretty much committed a cardinal sin of nursing. I didn't check the expiration date on the vial. It was expired. In August. Fail fail fail.

Okay, so it wasn't fatal, but it's was pretty ridiculous. Thankfully it was only 0.9% sodium chloride in sterile saline, but still. It's the entire principle of the matter.

Here comes the kicker: we didn't even realize it was expired until 3 hours later. Thankfully (for embarrassment's sake) I wasn't the only one who'd administered the expired meds. Unfortunately, this called for an incident report--this pretty little pink paper that asks you what happened/who was hurt/what can be done to correct it in the future...blah blah blah. You get it.

Filled it out, turned it in. No harm done, except maybe to my bruised ego. It was just the culmination of everything and it turned Monday into one of those days where I really just can't wait to go home and be done with it all. Struggling. Seriously struggling. I need a break. STAT. Even if it's just a 3 day weekend. Something.

Today, I was hopeful, if only slightly so. I went to school, preparing full well for the stats test I have to take tonight (I'm determined to get all A's and pay no late fees on any tests this semester) and guess what gets brought up in class...the expired vials. I shouldn't be so sensitive because it wasn't just me who made the mistake, and if anything it was to help everyone else realize how easy mistakes are made and that we need to be more careful, blah blah blah. But it sucks, knowing that one of those people they're talking about it  you. It makes you feel like you have a sign across your forehead that says Hey it's me! I'm the one they're talking about! I'm the one who forgot to check the expiration date! It's an awkward feeling, and not one that I enjoy.

Thankfully, my instructor is THE BEST and after talking to her after class, she really reassured me that it's perfectly okay, and that all the incident report is is a formality IN CASE something happens, which hopefully it won't. Rough way to learn how to fill one of those baby's out.

Anyway, it's only Tuesday, and midday at that, and I'm riding the struggle bus...hard. Knocking stuff down left and right. Hopefully after this test is over, I'll feel a little less out of control and all over the place, but it's not likely.

Bahhh...when do I graduate again?!

How many fingers am I holding up?

The nursing exam is over. Thank goodness! And to make that even better, I got a 93% on the test! Woot woot!! After Dan picked me up from the test, we got some food and went to get sealant at Home Depot for our table!!! <--As you can see, I'm pretty significantly excited about this last one.

We get home and were super exhausted from the food, and when we get tired, we start giggling about all the silly little things in the world. And so ensued a tickle fight of sorts, which ended with more laughing. So then I was poking Dan in the chest (he had his eyes closed...supposedly) and he kept smacking my hand with his when I'd go to poke him. Then I realized he didn't really have his eyes closed, so I did the only logical thing there was to prevent this: put the pillow on his head.

And just to test and make sure he really couldn't see, I asked the question:
How many fingers am I holding up? (2)
Two.
How did you know?! Okay let's try again...How many fingers am I holding up? (4)
Four.

Now at this point I knew he just HAD to be looking! No one get's two guesses in a row right unless you can see! Well...he's a good guesser. Haha I really was a little freaked out because he got both of them right, but he definitely couldn't see through the pillows.

We started to watch a movie, and very very quickly, he fell asleep.

I love moments like this.