Don't cry because it's over

SMILE because it happened.

This post is going to be more self reflective. Just a heads up.

I realized today that I don't really have a handle on death. The entire concept, the whole idea...it just doesn't sit well with me. I'm not comfortable with it, and I don't like it. Going into nursing, I figured I should get a grip on it real quick.

Let me preface this for a second, just so no one thinks I'm a serious wacko for posting this.
First point: We had to read a book at the beginning of the semester called Life with Big Al. It is about a gentleman who gets early onset Alzheimer's disease and it's basically a journal that his wife (who is his caregiver) keeps through the entire journey until his "graduation day." Reading that book was a challenge on one hand because my grandpa passed away from Alzheimer's a few years ago. So the subject matter struck a chord with me. On the other hand, I couldn't imagine losing my husband...ever. The thought of it makes me burst into tears actually and it fills me with the greatest fear. 

Second point: I'm studying nursing. I'm currently in the gerontology section of the program and I do my clinical in a nursing care facility. I love it. I honestly dread going and never look forward to it, but the second I'm there and see my patients, I'm completely filled will so much love and happiness for all these people that I work with. However, it's also caused me to develop this petrifying fear of aging. But that's another story for another day. 

Third point: I've never had someone close to me pass away besides one set of grandparents. And when both of those happened, it was always a good thing. That sounds morbid, but my grandpa had Alzheimer's...he wasn't there anymore for me. I think I started grieving long before he actually passed away so when it finally happened, it was almost relieving in the sense that when I saw him again, he would know me. He would be the grandpa I remember that knew my face, sang me songs, and always sent me home with a small sandwich bag full of nuts. My grandma's was also good because she was finally with my grandpa again. Who wouldn't be happy about that one?

So back to the whole reason this ever came up--today in my gerontology class we talked about dementia, and Judy Seegmiller (the wife of the gentleman mentioned above with early onset Alzheimer's) came into our class today to talk to us about her experience. It was so beautiful and you can tell she absolutely understands her calling in life. She understands that it was her mission to take care of her husband, and later her son, and all that she has to give to the world. She's amazing. I wish everyone could meet her. Hearing her story though, couldn't help but make me think and wonder. I realized that I really am not comfortable with death and the idea of it. If it comes up, I honestly get so uncomfortable and shy away from it. I feel like being LDS we should have this complacency with death--that it's not over and it's okay. But it still hurts. It doesn't take away the grief you feel knowing that one day you'll see them again. It only gets easier to deal with. 

I called Dan on the way home from class and was just balling. I'm sure he probably thought I'd gone a little off my rocker at the moment, but he's so sweet. He just listens and always reminds me that everything will be alright in the end, and that if it's not alright, it's not the end (among other things). 

I'm not really sure where else I wanted to go with this one. Like I said...it was more of a ramblings to clear my head. I doubt if this one even makes it to being legitimately posted for the blogger world.

I guess if anything that's coming out of this one is that I need to rely on my Heavenly Father for everything, but especially the things I don't understand or can't quite wrap my head around. I'm realizing to take the little things and remember them. Take all those precious moments I have with the people I love and cherish them forever. The thought makes me so so so grateful for the time I do have with Dan, the time I have had, and the time we will have together. I'm so grateful for my eternal marriage, to know that death is not the end (no matter how much I don't like the idea) and that it gives us just one more thing to look forward to. 

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. 

Friday the 13th.

I'm not a superstitious person. Never have been. It's something I pride myself on a little bit.
In fact, I'm so not superstitious that I chose to get married on May 13th...which happened to be a Friday. My dad even asked me when I was planning the wedding if I didn't want to move it up a day and get married on the 12th. I said nope!! (of course!)

Looking back...I just wanted to share a couple of my favorite pictures from that day.

Walking out of the temple. I distinctly remember after the sealing and everyone had walked out of the room, it was just Dan and I, we were smiling uncontrollably, and I could finally breathe. Like all of this pressure and stress to make sure we were in the right place at the right time was lifted. We had made it. And we're together for time and ALL eternity. The best feeling in the entire world.

Some of the friends and family that were able to be there and share our day.

I miss these two girls more than words can say. I love love love our skype times more than anything, and it's so good to catch up and realize how great my best friends are. We're crazy, we're silly, and we definitely still have not changed. I can't wait till we're all in the same state again!!!

Over the last year and a half, I've come to realize how truly great and wonderful my sisters are. Really. I lucked out with my in laws, and I couldn't ask for better sisters. I love talking to them! I love feeling comfortable around them too, like I really belong to this family. I couldn't ask for better sisters than Jami and Rhianna.

I love love love these girls. And I'd do anything for them. Being married, and moving away has been so good for our relationships because I really want to talk to them and hear about their lives, where before I really took it for granted how much I saw them and got to spend time with them. I really think you grow closer as a family when you have to branch out and grow.

This picture always makes me laugh because Dan and I were both so so tired. Running on no sleep and no food for the last 2 days. So graciously, Wendy Terry offered to run down to the Circle K and get us some drinks. Naturally, I chose the dew...of course. And Dan did too. It was amazing, and I'm so glad that BrieAnna got a picture with the drinks in it!

Love my girlfriends! Even though we've all gone separate ways, I love seeing little news feeds pop up on FB about how their doing. And one of these lovely ladies is getting married tomorrow!! Congrats Jacq!

Dan and I had the best friends at EA! Seriously, the BEST group of friends. And 3 of the people in this picture are getting married this year...so far. I'm sure there will be more. I love looking at pictures of us and remembering all the good times we had in Thatcher, all the trouble we got into, and the many many nights of exciting games/pranks/bonfires/river expeditions.

Cutting the cake. Love this picture. One of my all time faves.

Dancing with my daddy.
"I loved her first" by Heartland

So much in love...you're alone in this place, like there's nobody else in the world.

"Give In to Me" Garrett Hedlund and Leighton Meester

Happy Friday the 13th. I think it's my favorite day ever.
Love my husband. And I'm so so grateful to have him forever :]

2011...what you were all about

January: I went back to school at EA to start my last semester there. I had no idea where I was going to go after that, but I knew I was graduating that semester.

February: Things got pretty serious between Dan and I. We knew we were going to get married, just not when or any of those other minor details. I also applied to BYU. It was pretty much the only option I had left. ASU's nursing program was just a numbers game, and I couldn't count on that. So I applied.

March: We got engaged!!! That's right! We were getting married. Then commenced the insufferable wedding planning. Just kidding, it really wasn't bad, mostly because I didn't care. Sorry Mom!! We went wedding dress shopping over spring break and found the perfect dress!

April: I found out I got into BYU...so after Texas we were headed to Provo. School was winding down for the semester, and I think it finally started to hit me that I would really miss Thatcher.

May: I went through the temple for my own endownments. That was such a special day for both of us. I loved every minute of it. Actually I was pretty violently sick 3 days before...like throwing up and peeing out my bum (sorry for the visual). So I didn't really eat anything and my mom was all freaked out I would pass out during the temple ceremony.
Oh...and we got married...and moved to Texas, where it's hotter than Satan's balls....and gradumacated from EAC. Woot woot!!

June: May was pretty busy, and June was a nice month of relaxation. I got to be great friends with Jaynee, and I'm so grateful that we did become friends. Oh and I got a wicked tan. I guess that Texas sun and heat is good for something.

July: Fourth of July bbq with Edge, and more of Dan selling door to door. Still had a wicked tan. It was awesome.

August: Jaynee left Texas so she could hang out in Pima, and LEAVE ME...but mostly so that Izzee girl could come whenever she decided to. The A/C went out in the car. We were sweating our little hineys off anywhere we went. We had to replace an engine mount on the car...and then everything worked perfectly!! Seriously, we found the best mechanic that fixed our car for a screamin deal!! But on the brighter side of things, we did get GREAT gas mileage while the A/C was out. I left to come to Provo and started school the last week in August.

September: You sucked. I was alone. It was awful. But on the brighter side (again) I started watching Kason once a week while Jami was at institute, and that was actually pretty fun. He definitely kept me on my toes. I also had class with Caitlin twice a week, and that was always entertaining. Then Dan came home!!! Woo hoo!! HAPPY HAPPY DAY!!!

October: General Conference was awesome! Loved it. Halloween was awesome at Jeni's house! Oh and I found out I got into the nursing program at BYU!!

November: Thanksgiving!! It was so good to see my family again. They came up for Thanksgiving and we had it with the Kimball side of the family. Black Friday shopping...at 10am. So much better than 4am.

December: The long (actually short) haul to finals. Finals. Shoot me. School's out!! And our very first Christmas together. I still have to blog about that. It was awesome though. I love it. And tonight is New Years Eve. Pretty excited about that!!

2011 has been wonderful. I learned a lot about myself as a person, and as a friend, especially adapting to the marriage relationship. It's been a learning experience, but an enjoyable and exciting one. And it can only up from here.

Times like these

So I really need to get more creative with these titles, because I'm pretty sure the only difference between this one and the first one is the first word. Pathetic.

Days/Times...whatever you want to call it...like these make me miss the way things used to be just a few short months ago.

Texas: as much as I hated you and the sweltering humid heat, I have some of the best memories from you. I got to hang out with one of my best friends Jaynee every day, work out, and lay poolside working on the tan, and talking about everything the way girls do. I miss that a lot.

I miss having girlfriends period that I can just call and tell them I'm coming over, and we don't really do much of anything all day. I miss talking about all the crazy things that are happening in our lives, and the drama that was going around the office. I miss talking about Izzee girl. I can't wait to meet that adorable little neice of mine. How pathetic is it that I love her so much already, and I've never even met her!

I mean look at her! Who could not love this adorable little girl!

Its funny how you get used to things being the way they are, right before they change on you. Jaynee and I would talk a lot and joke around about how we wished we would have been friends sooner, but she scared us, and we bugged the crap out of her! Haha funny stuff.

I  miss my roommates, Abbie and Raegan. We did so much crazy crap together, and we didn't have a care in the world. Okay, maybe like one or two. But it didn't ever show. We took spontaneous trips down to the river to tan on the conversion dam and read Me and Mr. Darcy. We stayed up till all hours of the morning talking about life and the things we do to get by. I miss that. A lot.

I miss reading scriptures with Dan every morning before he left for work. It always started my day off on the right foot, so that at least if something was going to go wrong, we had done one thing right that day. I kind of feel like we get stuck in the routine of school and work, and we just don't make the time to read them. I miss that a lot.

I miss having class with Dan four days a week. It was so fun going to anatomy and knowing that I would get to see him. I mean yeah I get to see him every day now, and that is the best thing ever-don't get me wrong. But it was nice that in addition to seeing him just about every day when we were dating that we go to have class together to. And I miss beating him on tests ;] just kidding! I miss the way he'd fall asleep every Thursday in lab, and all the little side conversation's we'd be having with Damron and Hope, Jodi, and Steph all while Ms. G was teaching. Oops!

I miss the sun, and the heat. Seriously, this cold crap is ridiculous! It was 17 degrees yesterday and the high was only 28. Yeah not cool. I miss the feeling of the heat on my skin. The sun I swear only gives light right now, no heat. Depressing thought.

I miss the simplicity that Texas offered, when the only thing I had to worry about was what to make for dinner, and making sure we paid utilities on time. Yeah, that was the life I'm telling you. And not that life got all that much more complicated after we moved to Utah, but school does something to you. It seriously just sucks the energy out of you and along with it, it's just so much harder to be happy. Maybe that's just because finals are next week and I'm feeling a little stressed (emphasis on the little).

But at the end of the day, I would trade any of things, because seriously, if we could have it all, and all at once, I don't think I'd really be as happy and I think I would. It's too much. I guess what I'm realizing as I write this is that there's a time and a season for everything, and a purpose for everything as well.

I am so grateful that for even a small instance, all these things got to be mine. How lucky am I? At the end of the day, I'm so extremely blessed that I wouldn't even know where to start listing off the blessings. So don't mind the melancholy reminiscing, and a little bit of complaining, but I really am grateful for each of these things in my life, and so much more.

I love this crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful, beautiful life.

Ignite the Light and Let it SHINE.

So it's New Years Eve and this year's definitely not been what I expected at all. I tend to think of my years relative to the school year. So in thinking about the actual year...I've gotta go WAYYY back to last semester. So far!! I know. I'm getting old. Blah.

Sparing the boring and drawn out details...I'll just recap the year really (and I mean really) quickly. Ideally 12 sentences or less.
January: Second semester of college, I've got the hang of things a little better, and a new roommate.
February: New roommate (Brinlee) turns out to be just the perfect fit, Valentines day--absolutely hate it...okay "hate" is a little strong, but you get the idea...not my favorite holiday.
March: SPRING BREAK!! California and Disneyland=LOVE. Met Dan at the library (see what good little students we are...we met at the library!)
April: Hmm...not too much to say here. Pretty sure this was the first official date with Dan watching planet earth eating popcorn and drinking hawaiian punch, spent lots (and I mean lots) of time floating down the river, which conveniently worked out to always be on Tuesdays so Hannah and I frequently went to nutrition smelling like delicious river mud nastiness.
May: Some things literally went to hell and I never planned on them coming back, finished my first year of college, and headed home, more relieved than anything to be leaving Thatcher and parting ways with some people.
June: Work work work all week long, and I can't complain too much. It kept me busy and from thinking about a lot of things. Enjoyed soaking up the summer sun every chance I got. ALSO: Everyone left on their missions!! And so the mass letter writing begins...
July: Work work work...visit Utah and see all the cousins, family, explore Provo Canyon, and visit the Clarks.
August: Work, back to school. I learned a lot about forgiveness and gave up my vices. Started talking to a few people again. Went to FRY MESA the first weekend back in Thatcher.
September: Peppersauce Caves in Tuscon, Rees and Tracee's wedding, going on a second "first date" with Dan to see the Last Exorcism....which I'm pretty sure I swore under my breath the entire time and then laughed as soon as it was over.
October: GF status. Yeahhh...still adjusting to that one. Halloween block party :]
November: Thanksgiving break...much much much needed and I can't exactly say I was excited to go back to school, except to see Dan. ONE
December: Meeting the fam...went MUCH better than I had planned. Missing him entirely too much it's honestly quite ridiculous, but I guess that's what happens. Christmas in Utah, seeing all the cousins, mass insanity. Oh and snow in Arizona...right in my backyard. Got into the nursing program...and then deciding not to do it at EA. Probably one of the hardest decisions I've had to make in a long time. Relying on the Lord that He knows what's best and has the best intentions for me.

So now I'm sitting here looking at where I've been and where I'm going, and honestly if there's one thing I've learned this last year, NOTHING goes according to plan. It's quite frustrating but I'm managing. Let's see what next year brings. :]

Here's to 2010 and all the ups and downs. As for 2011: Bring it on!