NCLEX

First things first: I could NEVER ever ever EVER have done this without these two.

The devil takes physical form in a test known as the NCLEX.

Those five innocent letters put together equal the most terrifying and horrific test to culminate my nursing career.

Let's preface this by saying I am the world's greatest procrastinator.

If there was a medal for it, I would win.
Not even kidding.

I had a great plan for passing said test.
I gave myself a two week break after school (Christmas break and all).
We were traveling to AZ for a few days over New Years anyway, so I figured it was a good time to take a break.
Then, we totaled our car driving to AZ.
Another story for another day.

When we got back from our adventure, I had every intention of studying!
The thing is, I seriously could not make myself care for the life of me.
To add insult to injury, I was already working full time and trying to adjust to life post-graduation.
Honestly, I was probably a little depressed.
It's a hard transition going from having a million things to do all the time to just working and studying for this heinous test.

I had to wait for my authorization to test, and that wouldn't happen until after my degree had been posted.
Degree posted on January 6.
I got online and filled out the application with DOPL.
I drove up one morning in the week following the degree posting to get my fingerprints done.
One of the nastiest mornings to drive all the way up to SLC.
All the rain made for an interesting drive up.
I turned in my application, got my fingerprints done, and paid the $100 application fee.
I was told it could take up to a week before getting my authorization to test.

Drove back and went to work.
I set up my account with Pearson View as well.
That was a little nerve-racking.
Then my ATT came in through my email.
Two days after submitting my application.
I died.
My heart sank in my chest.
It was the real deal.
I had 30 days to take my exam (by February 13).

Somehow, I mustered the courage to sign up for my exam.
I initially set it up for 2.2.15, which was a Monday.
After thinking about it more, I changed it to that Thursday, 2.5.15.

Paying the $200 to Pearson View and hitting submit nearly killed me.
Everyone at work was laughing at me.
I was pretty determined not to let anyone know when I was taking my test.
I don't think I could have handled it if I didn't pass and everyone was asking me about it.
The only people that knew besides my family were Amanda, Brenna, and Laura, the other nurses I work with.
I think I finally caved and told Dr. Garry and Scott, with strict instructions that they were not allowed to ask about the test the day after.
Thankfully, they listened.

I was okay at doing practice questions.
Okay I was horrible at it.
If I did one chapter a day, I was feeling pretty good!
Nothing that I felt would be enough to pass, but I was trying.

I remembered Renea telling us to study, pray, and then get a blessing.
I also had a thought to go to the temple.
I have been absolutely horrible about making the time to go this last year.
I've had every excuse in the book, and it's really pathetic that I'm surrounded by temples but can't make the time to go.
Well, we made the time to go.
And Satan put in overtime to make sure that didn't happen.

We went about two weeks before my test, and it took everything in me to get through the front doors.
It felt like I was pushing through a sea of something and everything was pulling me back.
Spiritually, I was fighting to get through those doors.
It was incredible the instant relief I felt as soon as I crossed that threshold.
It brought me to tears right there in the lobby of the temple.
I felt so lost and in such dire need of help that it was everything I could do to keep it together.
I remember telling Dan how afraid I was that I wouldn't pass.
I wasn't studying enough.
I knew that.
But I also knew that I was smart.
I could do this.

The next weekend, the weekend before my exam, we also went to the temple.
It was in this experience I had the feeling of calm and peace come over me.
It wasn't exactly comforting.
It was a peace that whatever happens, it will all be okay.
Not exactly reassuring, but it was all I had.

The week of the test, I didn't do a single question.
I did look at Renea's lecture notes and test taking strategies.
Those were INSANELY helpful!

The morning of my test, I got a blessing from my wonderful husband.
I don't remember much of what was said.
The only thing that sticks out about it was one phrase.
"Let your faith be greater than your fear"

I recalled this phrase many times throughout the rest of Thursday morning.
I headed out the door, put the address in my GPS.
It said it would take me an hour to get there!
I totally started freaking out.
I could not for the life of me figure out why it would take an hour to get to Draper.
I remembered that phrase again.
I turned on my location, and that time was cut in half.
I would make it just in time for the test at 8am.
Faith greater than fear.

My stomach ended up with a lead weight in it at some point on that drive.
Walking in to the building, I felt like I was signing my life away.
It was all on the line.
Right here.
Right now.
The culmination of my entire education reduced to one test.

As I was checking in, the guy asked me how I was doing.
"Okay."
It was honest.
I wasn't good, or great, or even remotely happy for that matter.
This all just needed to be over and done with so I didn't have to think about it.

I was escorted back to my cubicle to take my test.
I turned off the question counter.
I did not want to know where I was at.
I also didn't want to start freaking out if the test didn't shut off after 75 questions.
At this point, I just had to have faith that my education had prepared me.
That I was ready for this test.
That Heavenly Father would pull through for me.

The last time I checked the question counter was question #67.
I answered the question in front of me and had a thought that I would check where I was at after this  questions.
I answered it, clicked next, and my test shut off.
I totally jumped in my seat.
My heart sank in my chest.
It was over.
I had no idea how many questions I had answered.
I raised my hand and the proctor came and got me from my seat.
I signed out and left.
It was over.
All that stress for an hour and a half test.

I drove home, met Dan for late breakfast at Ihop, and decided that I should probably go to work.
I didn't want to be bored at home.
Dan had class.
Might as well go to work and make some money.

Amanda started checking that night to see if I had passed my NCLEX.
She would check DOPL to see if my license had been posted.
Scott started checking too.
I was determined not to look until Monday at least.

The weekend came and went.
Monday morning, I checked DOPL right when I woke up (5am).
License status: ACTIVE.
I shot straight up out of bed and kept saying "I passed! I passed!"

A few weeks later, I got my license in the mail.
It's pretty legit.
And now, I can officially say I'm a nurse.
Arielle, RN.
Hell yes.

High on life

You guys...today has been a great day. Phenomenal, in fact. I did not think it would end this way, considering everything I had to do today.

Last night, I was studying and finishing up some homework that was due this morning. I went to bed around 12:30 and woke up at 5 this morning to get everything finished. No sleep for nursing students. Anyway, I get ready, finish the homework and head to school. We had a Professionalism Conference today...blah. Really, these things are kind of a drag. The keynote speaker always loses me 15 minutes into the presentation. It didn't help today that I had to study for a test I was taking later that day. 

To make it even better, they dimmed the lights. It should be cardinal rule during any presentation that extends longer than 30 minutes that you MUST do the following:
1. Keep the room cold--okay, not so much cold, but definitely NOT warm
2. Keep the bright lights on
3. Be engaging, or at least entertaining--powerpoint is not engaging. Or at least that's what they tell us in school. And it wouldn't hurt if they threw in a joke every now and then.

So anyway, we get through the keynote speaker (hallelujah) and then we had 3-30 minute break out sessions. Usually these are kind of a drag too. Surprisingly, and gratefully, today they were not. They were actually quite interesting. Well, 2/3 were interesting, which is a pretty good run for these professionalism conferences.

We get lunch, and then some of us had to rush off to a Global Health information meeting. Next summer, we get to participate in a global health semester, which is the semester where most people go abroad (Ghana, Tonga, Taiwan, India...). I have always planned on staying in Utah for this semester--I'm a little attached to my husband and sleeping in my own bed next to him. Today, I had quite a little revelation, or inspiration. Whatever you want to call it. It was awesome! And a little daunting.

The instructors started talking about the group that goes to Washington D.C. for their study abroad. Something about their little 2 minute presentation really spoke to me, and I just had this feeling, the small little ones in the back of your mind, telling me that's where I wanted to and needed to go. I went to a little informational meeting about it, and I kept getting more and more excited.

But the excitement had to be put on hold. I had to study for a test, which proved to be quite difficult. I could not for the life of me focus. But FINALLY (after 3 hours of dinking around trying to study), I buckled down, studied hard, and sailed pretty well through the test. I was so happy with my grade! It was an entire letter grade improvement from the first test--who wouldn't be happy with that.

Then I was able to get back to the excitement of Global Health. I talked to Dan, and he instantaneously said yes! I had to ask him 3 or 4 or 10 times if he was sure he was okay with me being gone for 8 days and spending a little extra money to go to D.C. He was. He's awesome!! So kids, I did it. I signed up to go to D.C. for my global health study abroad and I'm so so excited about it. And Dan is already brainstorming ways for us to help raise a little money to pay for some of the cost to go (he really is the best husband ever!).

Anyway, I'm a little high on life right now. I've had a great day, which is quite the change from Friday (thank goodness) and I just feel so so blessed in my life to have married the man I did, to be at the school I'm at, and to be in this wonderful nursing program that has presented me with countless opportunities to grown, succeed, and diversify myself from other nursing students. I feel truly and richly blessed.

Happy Monday everyone!

*Side note: I realized that I should probably blog more often so that it's not just "I hate my life" rants and "Life is awesome" posts. Just a thought--it may or may not happen. I just can't quite commit to that one.

Little Miracles

You guys...we have a slight problem. I have been doing a TON (literally a ton) of OB prep before I start clinical this Friday. I'm seriously so excited to actually be on the floor, and to top it all off I get to start out in Labor & Delivery!!! If you had talked to me about this a week ago, I would not have been this excited, at all.

What has caused this change of heart, you might ask? All of this OB prep. And touring the hospital last week to see where we would be each week as we rotate through all the mother/baby services at the U of U hospital. I just watched a video that basically takes you through the entire process of having a baby-conception to birth. So freaking awesome.

Really. Like it is no small miracle that so many things go right so often.

And to make this even better, at clinical on Friday I actually got to witness a birth!!! I could have cried (I didn't...that's awkward). But there was such a presence and at least for me, I could feel the Spirit so close in that moment. I really am going to enjoy my L&D semester.

BUT...it did remind me that I am definitely not ready to have babies of my own yet.

Good thing I have a year and half left of nursing school to get used to that idea of pushing a baby out. But, man I can't wait to see what they will look like...

I believe

Sunday was an especially enlightening day for me. I think, given Saturday's events, Sunday was exactly what I needed, and my Heavenly Father knew that.

Saturday morning, Dan and I went to the temple. We haven't gone all summer; we never really made the time to go together, and between summer sales, and then his car accident, we were pretty busy. We finally made the time to go, and I was so thrilled. I had been looking forward to it for days. That morning though, I just felt like I'd been beaten down and pushed around. I felt like absolute crap about myself, and did not want to go to the temple at all. I flopped down (dramatic...I know) on the bed and just started bawling. It was a little ridiculous in retrospect, but it happened. Dan sat down right next to me, and asked, "Is Satan working pretty hard on you too?"

In my moping and crying trying to find a happy place, I hadn't even noticed Dan was struggling too. We sat for a minute, and then I got up, dried up, and we left for the temple. I felt so much IMMEDIATE peace as soon as I walked through the doors of the temple. It always amazes me how every single fleeting thought that plagues your mind outside just leaves when you cross the threshold. It's overwhelming. But it is so necessary, for in that peace and quiet, I find that I have come to know of my Heavenly Father's existence and very real love for me and awareness of me.

I feel my Savior's love in all the world around me. His spirit warms my soul through everything I see.
I feel my Savior's love; it's gentleness enfolds me, and when I kneel to pray, my heart is filled with peace.
I feel my Savior's love and know that He will bless me. I offer Him my heart; my shepherd He will be.
He knows I will follow Him, give all my life to Him. I feel my Savior's love, the love He freely gives me.

I left the temple feeling very blessed, and very happy. Saturday evening, Satan decided to go at me again though. Unfortunately, this fight did not go over so well. I was sobbing in the bathroom, and could not, for the life of me, stop. It took me staring myself down in the mirror, and verbally saying out loud each and every blessing I had been given that day that I could think of. I kept going for probably 10 minutes, listing blessings off in rapid succession. But I noticed something. By the end, I wasn't crying, I wasn't feeling down on myself for x, y, or z, I was actually happy. My spirit felt like and I was smiling.

Sunday morning came, and as we were getting ready for Church, we listened to MoTab radio on Pandora. It always puts me in the right mind set for Church. In Relief Society, the lesson was on a talk given in General Conference from April, Elder Holland's "Lord, I believe." This was one of my favorite talks from conference for the honest message it conveys and how much it helped me feel like I am not failing on my journey through life. I wanted to write down a few of the highlights from the lesson for me.

The father appealed to Jesus with what must have been last-resort desperation in his voice: "If thou can'st do any thing," he said, "have compassion on us, and help us." "Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief."

"Straightway," the scripture says--not slowly nor skeptically nor cynically but "straightway"--the father cries out in his unvarnished parental pain, "Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." In response to new and still partial faith, Jesus heals the boy, almost literally raising him from the dead, as Mark describes the incident.

1. When facing the challenge of faith, the father asserts his strength first and only then acknowledges his limitation
          -In moments of fear or doubt or troubling times, hold the ground you have already won, even if that ground is limited. In the growth we all have to experience in mortality, the spiritual equivalent of this boy's affliction or this parent's desperation is going to come to all of us. When those moments come and issues surface, the resolution of which is not immediately forthcoming, hold fast to what you already know and stand strong until additional knowledge comes.
          -The size of your faith or the degree of your knowledge is not the issue--it is the integrity you demonstrate toward the faith you do have and the truth you already know.

This point was brought up in the discussion: How can we exert our faith and our testimony BEFORE asking for help. Some of the responses were to develop good habits in the good times (reading your scriptures, saying prayers, attending the temple) because they will carry you through the bad/difficult times. Another was to have gratitude. My favorite was a friend who said that during a difficult trial in her life, she reflected back on Nephi's psalm, which says "I know in whom I have trusted." It brought her comfort because although the situation was difficult, and she didn't know what was going to happen next, she knew who it was that she trusted. 

2. When problems come and questions arise, do not start your quest for faith by saying how much you do not have, leading as it were with your "unbelief." That is like trying to stuff a turkey through the beak!
          -I am not asking you to pretend to faith you do not have. I am asking you to be true to the faith you do have.
          -Sometimes we act as if an honest declaration of doubt is a higher manifestation of moral courage than is an honest declaration of faith. It is not! So let us all remember the clear message of this scriptural account: Be as candid about your questions as you need to be; life is full of them on one subject or another. But if you and your family want to be healed, don't let those questions stand in the way of faith working its miracle. 

Blessings and recognizing them: there are ways that He answers our prayers and helps us that we cannot see!

3. You have more faith than you think you do because of what the Book of Mormon calls "the greatness of the evidences." "Ye shall know them by their fruits."
          -This is a diving work in process, with the blessing s of it abounding in every direction so please don't hyperventilate if from time to time issues arise that need to be examined, understood, and resolved. They do and they will. In this Church, what we know will always trump what we do not know. And remember, in this world, everyone is to walk by faith. 

*Be kind regarding human frailty--your own as well as that of those who sever with you in a Church led by volunteer, mortal men and women. Except in the case of His only perfect Begotten Son, imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with. That must be terribly frustrating to Him, but He deals with it. So should we.
          -Limitation is not in the divinity of the work.

4. When doubt or difficulty come, do not be afraid to ask for help.
          -A 14 year old boy recently said to be a little hesitantly, "Brother Holland, I can't say yet that I know the Church is true, but I believe it is." I hugged that boy until his eyes bulged out. I told him with all the fervor of my soul that belief is a precious word, an even more precious act, and he need never apologize for "only believing." I told him that Christ Himself said, "Be not afraid, only believe," a phrase which, by the way, carried young Gordon B. Hinckley into the mission field. I told this boy that belief was always the first step toward conviction and that the definitive articles of our collective faith forcefully reiterate the phrase "We believe." And I told him how very proud I was of him for the honesty of his quest.

What was once a tiny seed of belief for me has grown into the tree of life, so if your faith is a little tested in this or any season, I invite you to lean on mine.

I loved the point that Ashley Riggs (the teacher) made at this statement. She said that this is one of the great things about this society of women! We can lean on each other during the difficult times and be that strength and support for one another. She said we should invite others to lean on us for a while if they need to. I'll help to hold you up for a little bit. 

I know that only at our peril would we allow doubt or devils to sway us from its path. Hope on. Journey on. Honestly acknowledge your questions and your concerns, but first and forever fan the flame of your faith, because all things are possible to them that believe.

There will come a time, or you will reach a point, where you can't do it on your own. But the beautiful thing is we were never meant to do it on our own. That's why we have a Savior!
I read this scripture Sunday night, and it was so incredibly fitting given the day's events. 
Mosiah 23:21  "Nevertheless, the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and their faith."
I thought about it, thinking first of all that's a little twisted to purposely throw obstacles in our way, but then I thought about how those obstacles are thrown out of complete love for us and are intended to help us grow and turn to Christ, and be more willing to let go and let Him help us. There's a saying that I love, it says: Let go, and Let God. So much truth in those 5 simple words. 

I kept reading, and verse 22 said: "Nevertheless, whosoever putteth his trust in him the same shall be lifted up at the last day"
We are promised, PROMISED!, that if we put our faith and our trust in the Lord, He will make our burdens light, and we will be delivered. 

Days like Sunday, I'm so so grateful for an omniscient and omnipotent Heavenly Father who absolutely and completely knows me. My every weakness, shortcoming, insecurity, strength, talent, and even the very deepest desires of my heart, He knows.

And if you want to listen to Elder Holland's talk, I find the message to be even more profound.

In the words of Elder Holland, Hope on. Journey on.

A little pick me up

This week went from fairly low key to crazy intense and stressful in matter of hours. Such is life.

Today I made a list, like I always do, of all the things I absolutely HAVE to get done by certain days (ex. Process paper due Wednesday night) and then off to the side all the things I should really get started on (ex. End of Life teaching paper due April 15th, Research executive summary due April 15th).

Today, I started to feel overwhelmed, like I always do, when I saw that mountain of a list to climb by the end of the week.

Today...turned out a little bit differently though thanks to this little gem.

John 14:3-4

And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.

And whither I go ye know, and the way ye know.

This was in my End of Life class, and we were talking about legal and ethical issues at end of life (advanced directives, power of attorney, etc.). However, it hit me a little differently in the sense that all the work and effort I am putting into this life and especially my education is valuable, and it means something not only to me here, but in the next life as well. And Christ knows how hard I have been working to achieve this goal and the struggle it's been. He has not forgotten me, and while I'm busting my butt here to make that goal a reality, He is preparing a place for me.

In my Father's house there are many mansions...

I'm hoping one of those mansions is for me.

Happy Monday.

Easters

I just wanted to take a minute (literally a minute-I need to catch some shut eye!) and express my gratitude for Easter Sunday. I really hate the commercialism of it all and the easter bunny, but we won't get into that. I'm so grateful for the Atonement in my life and for a Savior who sank below it all to bring me back up, to make it possible for me to have a fighting chance in this life, who has given me the opportunity to wipe the slate clean and try again tomorrow. For that, I will be forever indebted and grateful to him.

I believe in Christ; He is my King!

With all my heart to Him I'll sing;

I'll raise my voice in praise and joy,

In grand amens my tongue employ.

I believe in Christ; He is God's Son.

On earth to dwell His soul did come.

He healed the sick; the dead He raised,

Good works were His; His name be praised.

I believe in Christ; oh blessed name!

As Mary's son He came to reign

'Mid mortal men, his earthly kin,

To save them from the woes of sin.

I believe in Christ, who marked the path,

Who did gain all His Father hath,

Who said to men: "Come, follow me,

That ye, my friends, with God may be."

I believe in Christ--my Lord, my God!

My feet He plants on gospel sod.

I'll worship Him with all my might;

He is the source of truth and light.

I believe in Christ; He ransoms me.

From Satan's grasp He sets me free,

And I shall live with joy and love

In His eternal courts above.

I believe in Christ; He stands supreme!

From Him I'll gain my fondest dream;

And while I strive through grief and pain,

His voice is heard: "Ye shall obtain."

I believe in Christ; so come what may,

With Him I'll stand in that great day

When on this earth He comes again

To rule among the sons of men.

-Bruce R. McConkie

Power in the Priesthood

I have always had a pretty strong faith and belief in the power of the priesthood. I've utilized it many a time throughout my life, and Heavenly Father has always come through for me (not that I ever doubted He would). I had a great roommate and friend in college who asked me once if she would like me to write down what was said in the blessing. The thought had never occurred to me, and I was honestly a little taken back. How sweet that advice was and how much I continue to cherish it today. She wrote down the words from the blessing I received that night, and I read it often.

There seems to be recurring themes for me whenever I receive a priesthood blessing. If you would oblige me for a moment, I would like list just a few.

1. My Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me

2. They are proud of me

3. Seek guidance from the scriptures

These three have always come up (along with a few others) in each blessing I have received since college (basically the ones I have asked for and have had very spiritual experiences during). The one that always hits me so close to home though is that my Heavenly Father loves me, and so does Jesus Christ. In that moment, when those words are spoken, I have to catch my breath. My chest starts pounding, and it is undeniably the Spirit speaking to my soul that this is true. That He does love me. Me! For all my faults and short comings, I'm still striving to do what is right, and He loves me.

Wednesday of last week, I woke up with a sore throat. I did not think too much of it, but I started taking Mucinex like it's nobody's business. (See this post and you'll understand.) My best friend is getting married this week, and I did not want to be sick. Anyway, Wednesday came and went. Thursday rolls around, still have a sore throat, and little bit of head congestion. Keep taking Mucinex. After I got out of class, I had a bunch of errands to run, mostly groceries so I wouldn't have to buy any till after we got back from Arizona.

I came home, took a shower, got ready (well...I did my hair) and headed off to Costco. As I was driving, and later shopping through Costco, I could feel my body weakening, and this distinct ache in the back of my chest. It only got worse, and I pretty seriously considered not going to WalMart. Then I remembered...we have no food in the fridge. Dan needs something to eat for dinner. Suck it up and go. So I did. I called Dan though (he was on his way to an Elder's quorum meeting) and asked if he  could find another person to help give me a blessing. I had clinical the next day and really could not (nor did I want to) miss it. He said he would. I soldiered on.

Almost. Making it out of WalMart was a struggle. By this point (and I'm not even exaggerating), I had absolutely no confidence in my muscle strength to keep me moving. I was literally trying to get out of WalMart as fast as I could so I could get home. My back was aching furiously and it was all I could do to wait to cry till I got home.

Being the great nursing student I am, I figured I either had a cold or the flu...though a sinking feeling told me it was the flu. I was not having it. WebMD was anything but vague, so I made some soup and crawled into bed with the Office, praying that Dan would get home soon.

He did and I was able to receive a blessing. I had a thought in my mind as they laid their hands on my head: Heavenly Father, I'm turning this over to you. I can't do it anymore. Pretty much those exact words. I was promised that my faith would make me whole. I sincerely prayed that night to help my body heal so that I could at least function at clinical the next day. I went to be around 830 that night. I woke up at 1230 still not feeling great, but went back to sleep. 530 rolled around and I jumped right out of bed. Felt like I had never been better. My body did not hurt at all! No small miracle in my opinion. I really wanted to die the night before.

It not only gave me an incredible amount of peace, but also faith and knowledge that my Heavenly Father is aware of me. Completely. He knows my needs, and the desires of my heart. He also allows me to grow in faith. I'm so so grateful that I had the prompting, thought, inspiration, whatever you want to call it, to ask for a blessing. Somewhere in my mind I knew that that was the only way I was going to make it to clinical the next day.

He delivered...like He always does. This experience was extremely evident, but it only helped me to see that He always answers, and always lives up to His promises. Perhaps not always in ways that we can see, but He does. And the answers are always in ways that we need.

Cheers to the freaking weekend

Three day weekend was just what the doctor ordered!! Let's just go with a brief overview.

FRIDAY: Clinical, buddy day. Enough said. It was so freaking legit and made me so excited that I'm going to be a nurse soon!! However, not the point of the post. I suppose that will wait for another day. Friday night we FINALLY had our clinical group date that we'd been planning since last semester!! Robin was in town for a few days, and it's early enough in the semester that we all had a free evening. It also happened to be Clark's birthday! So we ordered pizza, made some cupcakes, sang happy birthday, and just hung out for the night. Cami and Matt, Robin, Jordan, Kaci, and Ashley and Clark were all over and we had a blast. It was a much needed comedic relief from the stress that we're all already feeling with this semester.

So each of the married couples told the story of how they met/proposal. It was pretty funny to say the least and all of us were practically rolling on the floor with laughter. The highlight for me of Cami and Matt's story was that in high school, Matt was a wrestler. And the way Cami puts it, he had black hair (dyed for wrestling) and was anorexic (to stay in his weight class). Haha. The highlight for me of Ashley and Clark's story was that Clark used SO MANY ONE LINERS on Ashley! Haha major cheese ball but hilarious at the same time! It was great and so nice to feel like we have friends that all of us actually get along with each other. After everyone had left, Cami and Matt were stayed for a bit talking to us, and between Cami and I we have quite a bit of "funds" starting. First we have the "pedicure fund" and then there's the "sushi fund" and I'm sure there are a few more we came up with!

Truth: making married friends is HARD!! Fact: all of us that night got along so well! All the girls of course, but the guys totally did too and that made me so happy! I love having couple friends!

SATURDAY: We had the Bunker's over! We were quite the party animals this last weekend. A rare occasion for us! We talked for quite a bit and played some Monopoly. I thought it would be pretty boring, but it actually ended up being super fun with only 4 people playing. Dan ended up completely bankrupt because he landed on Ed's "Boardwalk" property. $1400 in rent...can't really see why he went broke, haha. It was pretty funny, and the game ended after that. It was nice to have them over though because I feel like they were some of our first real friends that we made since being married. I love that we can go a few months without hanging out and things are still the same when we do get together again! Like I said, I love having couple friends! I just wish I had more time to hang out with them!

SUNDAY: Church. The sacrament. Spending the day with Dan. I just love Sundays. We made kalua and rice for dinner...I could go to heaven just thinking about it! Caitlin and Tyler came over for dinner too, and that was nice to see them again! I haven't seen Caitlin since she left for Christmas break. And she lives in the same state! It's just a testament to how busy I really am. Dan also made sweet bread after Caitlin and Tyler left. It's so so yummy! I didn't take any pictures of these loaves though...next time!! Next time!!

MONDAY: I decided it was time to lose my bread making virginity. I was so inspired by Dan's bread making skills the night before, and about a week ago, I came across my mom's bread recipe. So, I decided What the heck! I'll make bread today, and put this KitchenAid to good use! It was quite an experience to say the least! First of all, I really did not think all the required flour was going to fit into the mixing bowl. It barely did. Second, the dough was practically pouring over the sides by the time it was finished mixing. Third, it was so MESSY! Flour was in every which direction from the KitchenAid out and I had so much dough all over my fingers, I probably could have made another loaf. Okay, slight over exaggeration, but I really did have a ton of dough on my fingers.

Another reason it got so messy...well we're like kids some days, and we started putting flour all over each other. And since Dan has such a cute butt...I couldn't resist!

Then I let it rise for an hour, and it got HUGE!

I separated it into the bread pans, and after it baked, I had to have a slice, fresh and hot out of the oven. It did not disappoint. Our bread making ventures this weekend were quite the success. I, for one, was extremely proud of my bread!

Monday afternoon, Dan wanted to go fishing. I was pretty excited about it and excited to maybe get to use my fly fishing pole that Dan had bought me for Christmas. We went up Spanish Fork Canyon to Diamond Fork River. We drove into a campsite and found a spot pretty close to the river. We went to pull off the road a little ways (there were other track marks from multiple tires), and we had just barely pulled off when the front left tire sank straight down into the snow. Suck. It was pretty interesting, and we were seriously stuck, and stuck good. Like we rocked the car, shoved brush under the tires to get better traction, and the car would not move! The tires just kept spinning. Even more frustrating though, the tires would start to go forward, roll just enough, and then slip back into the hole. Luckily for us, there were other people stuck right around the corner. We walked over to ask for help, and helped them push their car out, and they came over to help us.

I was really afraid at this point that we would have to get pulled out. We didn't have a tow rope. Neither did they. Crap. I got back into the car, and we tried to push it out. It worked!!!! First time too. It was such a blessing! We made it out just fine, and even found Pitch Perfect at Redbox to watch!! The evening ended with eating chili with Caitlin and Tyler, and watching the movie.

It has been a great weekend. Now back to the grind. LOTS of homework to catch up on.

Abide with me

In lew of the recent election results, it would not be too far fetched to say I haven't been in the best of moods. Okay, I'll be honest, I voted for Romney...but in the back of my head I always kind of felt like it wouldn't work out. It would be too good to be true. After all, these are the days that try men's souls, and when men's heart's shall fail them.

Aside from all that, it's been a pretty hectic week or two with school, just generally feeling behind and not on top of things. So that's adding quite a bit more stress and anxiety. Now I should probably start considering that the next 4 years will be less than ideal. But I have faith. I have faith that the Lord will provide a way, that this is what is supposed to happen, and that for whatever reason, this is to be the enduring trial of faith. I didn't pick him, I didn't elect him president, but somewhere, someone else did because they believe in him. This is the reality, that we're in for another four years.

I saw this on a friend's post (I think it came from the Church's official press release about the results of the election) that we need to now pray for our president, that he will make decisions in the BEST interests of our country, pray that he receives guidance and direction, pray that the legislature will be able to make decisions for our country and come to agreements. Pray, and have faith.

Things will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.

One of the lines from a Church hymn that I absolutely love, Abide with Me, came to mind on Tuesday, long  before the results were in, and it has since given me great comfort.

Through cloud and sunshine, Lord...abide with me.

And to be honest, I'm not worried (this could be a moment of strength that will pass, but I surely hope not). It doesn't look like a bright and ideal future, but that's what I've been given, and I for one am going to do my very best to make that future "as bright as my faith." (Thomas S. Monson)

Don't cry because it's over

SMILE because it happened.

This post is going to be more self reflective. Just a heads up.

I realized today that I don't really have a handle on death. The entire concept, the whole idea...it just doesn't sit well with me. I'm not comfortable with it, and I don't like it. Going into nursing, I figured I should get a grip on it real quick.

Let me preface this for a second, just so no one thinks I'm a serious wacko for posting this.
First point: We had to read a book at the beginning of the semester called Life with Big Al. It is about a gentleman who gets early onset Alzheimer's disease and it's basically a journal that his wife (who is his caregiver) keeps through the entire journey until his "graduation day." Reading that book was a challenge on one hand because my grandpa passed away from Alzheimer's a few years ago. So the subject matter struck a chord with me. On the other hand, I couldn't imagine losing my husband...ever. The thought of it makes me burst into tears actually and it fills me with the greatest fear. 

Second point: I'm studying nursing. I'm currently in the gerontology section of the program and I do my clinical in a nursing care facility. I love it. I honestly dread going and never look forward to it, but the second I'm there and see my patients, I'm completely filled will so much love and happiness for all these people that I work with. However, it's also caused me to develop this petrifying fear of aging. But that's another story for another day. 

Third point: I've never had someone close to me pass away besides one set of grandparents. And when both of those happened, it was always a good thing. That sounds morbid, but my grandpa had Alzheimer's...he wasn't there anymore for me. I think I started grieving long before he actually passed away so when it finally happened, it was almost relieving in the sense that when I saw him again, he would know me. He would be the grandpa I remember that knew my face, sang me songs, and always sent me home with a small sandwich bag full of nuts. My grandma's was also good because she was finally with my grandpa again. Who wouldn't be happy about that one?

So back to the whole reason this ever came up--today in my gerontology class we talked about dementia, and Judy Seegmiller (the wife of the gentleman mentioned above with early onset Alzheimer's) came into our class today to talk to us about her experience. It was so beautiful and you can tell she absolutely understands her calling in life. She understands that it was her mission to take care of her husband, and later her son, and all that she has to give to the world. She's amazing. I wish everyone could meet her. Hearing her story though, couldn't help but make me think and wonder. I realized that I really am not comfortable with death and the idea of it. If it comes up, I honestly get so uncomfortable and shy away from it. I feel like being LDS we should have this complacency with death--that it's not over and it's okay. But it still hurts. It doesn't take away the grief you feel knowing that one day you'll see them again. It only gets easier to deal with. 

I called Dan on the way home from class and was just balling. I'm sure he probably thought I'd gone a little off my rocker at the moment, but he's so sweet. He just listens and always reminds me that everything will be alright in the end, and that if it's not alright, it's not the end (among other things). 

I'm not really sure where else I wanted to go with this one. Like I said...it was more of a ramblings to clear my head. I doubt if this one even makes it to being legitimately posted for the blogger world.

I guess if anything that's coming out of this one is that I need to rely on my Heavenly Father for everything, but especially the things I don't understand or can't quite wrap my head around. I'm realizing to take the little things and remember them. Take all those precious moments I have with the people I love and cherish them forever. The thought makes me so so so grateful for the time I do have with Dan, the time I have had, and the time we will have together. I'm so grateful for my eternal marriage, to know that death is not the end (no matter how much I don't like the idea) and that it gives us just one more thing to look forward to. 

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. 

Why Sunday's are my favorite...and then some

(Preface...I wrote this ohhh 2 weeks-ish ago, and said nursing test that will be discussed later, well I have another one coming up. Oh the irony. This one I predict will go much better).

Not only do I get to spend the ENTIRE day with my wonderful wonderful husband, but it’s also the day that I get to be at Church, and feel the love of my Heavenly Father as I learn and grow more and more in the gospel. I know I can (and should) be doing this every day, but Sunday is just that day that’s set aside specifically for this one purpose. And that’s just one of the many reasons I love love Sundays.

But in order to understand this love a little bit better, we need to rewind to Saturday.

Saturday was the last day to take my nursing test. Yes I am a procrastinator. Always have been, and I’m pretty sure I always will, though I do have the resolve just about every week that I will do better (and for the most part this semester that’s worked out pretty well…except for this test). So I took Dan to work Saturday morning, and came home to study. I studied studied studied my little brain out, and I felt like I was doing okay. Then I realized that the study guide that had been handed out only had half the material on it. First “crap.”

I found the rest of the study guide online, downloaded it, and then proceeded to finish studying. I go to pick Dan up from work at 1 and had a little inkling to check the testing center line conditions (I had heard that on Thursday the lines were out the door and the wait was an hour to get in). Since the testing center closes at 4 on Saturdays, that means the last test is handed out at 3. So I wanted to be there around 2 just to be on the safe side. I checked the line conditions on my phone, and low and behold, it was packed! Second “crap.”

I panicked. Completely and utterly panicked. I hadn’t finished looking through all the material and hadn’t even really hit the important stuff. I rushed home with Dan in tow, burst through the front door, gathered up all the pages I’d been studying, printed off the study guide I’d been working on, and ran back out the door. I was in tears. It was a little ridiculous, but I honestly and truly felt like I was about to legitimately fail a test for the first time in my life. I had made a goal to get all A’s on my tests this semester, and so far I’d done just that: New Testament, Statistics, and this Nursing test was going to ruin it all. (This part was like the overwhelming “crap” going on in my head. Don’t judge, I have high standards for myself.)

We booked it to school, Dan dropped me off, and I was still in tears because I knew there was no way this one was happening. I didn’t deserve it on any account to do well on this test, and I sure as heck did not deserve to even ASK for the help I DEFINITELY DID NOT deserve. I get to the testing center, and just catch out of the corner of my eye a glimpse of the line: it was out the door. Third “crap.” (Though this one might have gone through my head more colorfully).

This time I kept the tears in, after all I didn’t want to fail a test and be completely embarrassed on campus all in the same day. A girl’s gotta keep a little dignity with her. So I’m standing in line, which surprisingly moved fairly quickly, and looking through all the powerpoint slides, frantically trying to remember all the things I’ve learned the last few weeks. I offered up a silent, pleading prayer, fully acknowledging that I had not prepared enough and that I knew I didn’t deserve any help on this one, but asking just the same. I had done all the reading (really, ALL the readings), all the homework, paid attention in class, and I just prayed that that would be enough, to just help me remember THAT stuff. I had another thought, to read my scriptures.

I came across this little gem: 2 Nephi 11:7

“For if there be no Christ, there be no God; and if there be no God we are not, for there could have been no creation. But there is a God, and he is Christ, and he cometh in the fulness of his own time.”

I’m a firm believer that He hears me, that He knows exactly who I am, and that He completely understands why I do the things I do. I’m also a firm believer that He knows exactly what I need to hear when I need to hear it. I’ve read this scripture before, and it hit me then much like it did on Saturday. Only this time, when I read that, it was almost like I felt Him tell me It’s okay, I can make up the difference, I know you’re not perfect, and you were never meant to be in this life. All I ask is that you try and consecrate your life to me. (In a lot more simpler feelings that words cannot quite express).

The test went great, in fact better than I could have hoped. I knew everything on the test except maybe 5 questions, and of those 5 I still felt moderately comfortable with the information. I turned it in, called Dan, and then decided to check my score. I was secretly in my heart of hearts hoping for an A (even if it was a 90, it’s still an A), all the while knowing that if I had gotten a B I would have been overjoyed! It loaded, and I almost broke down in tears right there. I had only missed 3 questions, and gotten a 93.6%.

You know those moments when you don’t even know where to begin to express how grateful you are for all the blessings in your life (especially the ones you see immediately) and “thank you” just never seems adequate, but it’s the only thing you can say?

This was one of those.

I jumped (practically) into Dan’s arms when I saw him, and I think he was honestly more excited than I was about this. Before I walked in to take the test, he had text me this: I CAN DO THIS! I AM SMART! I HAVE FAITH! I AM HAPPY! (these were each repeated 3x). I breathed a sigh of relief and it was all I could do to keep from crying (it was an emotional day) and smiling and laughing all at the same time. And then I told Dan crap! Now this means I have to keep the A’s on tests up! Haha go figure I was looking to let myself out of that goal!

Then Sunday came, remember it’s my favorite day of the week, and Dan was teaching Sunday School and had us look up this scripture: 3 Nephi 1:12-14

“And it came to pass that he cried mightily unto the Lord all that day; and behold, the voice of the Lord came unto him saying:

Lift up your head and be of good cheer; for behold, the time is at hand, and on this night shall the sign be given, and on the morrow come I into the world, to show unto the world that I will fulfill all that which I have caused to be spoken by the mouth of my holy prophets.

Behold I come unto my own, to fulfill all things which I have made known unto the children of me from the foundation of the world, and to do the will, both of the Father and of the Son—of the Father because of me, and of the Son because of my flesh. And behold, the time is at hand, and this night shall the sign be given.”

So it’s talking about the sign of Christ’s birth that would be seen in the America’s, but the bolded part was really the message he was looking to grasp from this. I think the background information is important though. Anyway, it was just another one of those that I felt was directed to me personally (though I’m sure many people felt that way too).

Dan had these words written on the chalkboard: OPPOSITIONàPOSITIONàPOSITIVE

It looked something like this after he was done explaining everything:

OPPOSITIONàPOSITIONàPOSITIVE

The underlying message was that we should be positive when we face our trials and to never back down.

Take home message: be positive through your opposition. You don't have to like it, but be happy through it. If there's anything I have learned throughout my life (geez it sounds like I've lived forever) it's that my Heavenly Father knows me. He loves me. He is aware of me. Time and time again I'm reminded of that, and it always makes me cry...but a happy cry. A grateful cry. It's a goal of mine to personally try to be happy. All the time. Even if I have to fake it for a bit till I really believe it.

Anddd...since this was originally written 2 weeks ago...test update: I have gotten A's on all my tests, except 1 (and that one was a B)! (I have a theory on that...more to come later.)

We thank thee oh God for a Prophet

So this is already an amazing General Conference!

President Monson announced 2 new temples:
1. Tucson Arizona (That makes temple #6 in Arizona!!!!!)
2. Peru

And then, as if the Tucson Temple wasn't exciting enough, the age for missionaries was changed:
1. Men can go now at 18 instead of 19
2. Women can go now at 19 instead of 21

I am so so so excited and this is already turning into the most spiritually uplifting weekend. And it can only get better from here.

Happy Conference Weekend everyone :]

And if you want to watch it, here's the link: http://www.lds.org/general-conference/october-2012-landing-page?lang=eng

"We thank thee, oh God, for a Prophet to guide us in these latter days."

He knows me

A couple of days ago, well more like the last week, has felt like climbing the mountain of trials and challenges. I won't bore you with the details, but it had just been a rough couple of days. So I remembered that I hadn't read my scriptures and decided that I really needed to read them. It had been one of those days where I just didn't quite know how we would make it through this one. Not going to lie, I felt like, in that moment, that my Heavenly Father had forgotten about me a little bit, and I felt myself losing a little bit of faith. (I was pretty emotional at the time...hence the irrational thoughts/feelings).
I came across this scripture while I was reading:

But that ye have patience, and bear with all those

afflictions, with a firm hope that ye shall one day

rest from all your afflictions.

-Alma 34:41

I have heard of people having the experiences where they flip open the scriptures and the answer to their challenge/question/trial, but I've never had that happen to me. This time it did. And I was extremely grateful for it.

It reminded me more than anything to have patience, and more importantly, hope. That one day all this will be over, and one day I will find eternal rest and peace.

To make it that much better, when one door closed, the window opened, and we're going to make it.

And to make it THAT much more better (yes...more better) I have this guy by my side each and every day to help me through anything that comes our way.
I know that with him, we can get through anything.
There's no one else I'd rather have by my side than him, and I know my Heavenly Father knew that I would need him.
I still say that I'm so grateful to this day that He and I agreed on him.

 5.13.11: Best decision I ever made.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger....right?

Let's just lay this out straight: today has been a day from Hell. (I even capitalized it so it's not swearing--see Abbie I'm working on it!!) There's honestly no other way to put it without using any explitives--note: I haven't used ANY today. And yes I am patting myself on the back for it. You'll see why.

So I get up this morning knowing that I've got a crap ton of stuff to do today so that I can start nursing school in two weeks. First blow of the morning: processing my background check takes 4-6 weeks!! (WHY HELLO BLOW FROM WAY THE HECK OUT IN LEFT FIELD!) I only just found out I got into nursing school a week ago. Someone please tell me how I'm supposed to get all this done in that time frame. After much crying (yes I rediscovered my tear ducts today. They still work--no surprise), I put myself together as best I could and raced across the valley with my mother in tow to get all this stuff done.

Second blow of the morning: after talking to the nursing director (finally!) she informed me that I have to have the above mentioned fingerprints processed because that's a part of passing your cna. Apparently it's not enough to have a fingerprint clearance card, have passed my cna test, and have just found out that I got in so all of this crap does in fact HAVE to be done. Great.

Third blow of the morning: well the lady at the board of nursing said there's no way to make it go any faster. Screwed into the ground. Oh well, it still has to be done so at least I can get a job at a hospital and work as a cna.

So after much more crying and frustration--I tell you I'm such a girl. Abbie knows this...she has to suffer through it on a pretty regular basis--I came to the conclusion that it's probably not gonna happen for me this semester. It's just not lining up in a way that it's even plausible that it's gonna happen. I mean after all, 4 weeks doesn't shrink into 2. Talking to my mom in the car on the way home, it just is making a little more sense. She brought up an interesting point though. Maybe the test isn't actually getting in, maybe the test is saying no and having faith in the Lord that even though it's gonna take a little longer, I'll be a nurse one day. It's gonna happen.

Whew. So that puts a lot on my mind to think about for tonight. I've got a nice long list of all the things I've got to ask when I say my prayers. I hope He doesn't tire from hearing me. I feel like I've talked his ear off quite a lot lately. Maybe that's the other problem...I'm talking too much and not listening enough. It wouldn't be the first time.

So I'm doing it. I'm gonna let it go, and trust the Lord. He knows what's best and He's got the best perspective from way up there I'm sure.

Now it's just off to order books and figure out where I'm going to school next year. Any suggestions? Except Idaho...sorry Kendra--it's just too stinkin cold up there! :]