Proud wife moment

I have to brag about my sweet husband for a moment. 

And I won't apologize for it because I'm his wife and it's my job to brag about him and be proud of him.

Today, Dan had the day off. 

We desperately needed grocery. 

Bare cupboards.  Practically empty fridge and freezer. 

You know the type.

So my sweet husband wanted to go grocery shopping with me.

We hit up Costco and then Walmart. 

As we're standing in line to check out, there's an older lady in front of us. She's a little slow at loading her groceries onto the check out stand. Totally fine. I'm not in a rush or anything.

My sweet husband offered to help her out. 

I was so proud at that moment to remember that this is the man I married. 

He's the one I get to spend the rest of my life and eternity with.

And then I was a little embarrassed that I've never offered to help anyone like that.

She was so sweet and thanked him profusely as he was helping and then again as she left.

My heart swelled in my chest.

There's also a lady standing behind us with two young boys. She's struggling with the both of them. And one is throwing a small tantrum.

Probably nap time.

Seriously I commend her for even venturing out with two kids. 

I don't know if I could do that.

Dan turns to her and asks if he could help her load her groceries on the check out stand.

Again, I felt so proud and happy and then ashamed that I had never done the same for anyone.

She thanked him. 

We left. 

I made the comment that I bet he'd just made their day with a small act of service.

I'm so blessed to have him as my partner and companion.

I'm so grateful that my children will have him as their father.

I'm so grateful he's the type of person who is always thinking of others. 

I hope our children will pick up that attribute from him. 

I hope one day to be half as awesome as he is. 

Thankfully, I get to learn from him each day.

And tomorrow, I get to try again.

I am the luckiest.

The wrong side of the bed

Today has just been a day. One of those days. Where it just starts off all kinds of wrong right from the second you open your eyes. Those days.

I could not for the life of me fall asleep last night. Literally was awake staring at the ceiling for an hour. Then it just was not a restful sleep. I feel like I woke up without ever really getting any sleep. Strike 1.

I woke up late, and didn't have time to put on make up or do something with my hair or anything like that. I was just going to the dentist, so really no big deal. But sometimes I really would just like to get ready a little bit and feel better about myself. Strike 2.

I went to the dentist and the usual hygienist isn't there. Sad day, but no big deal. I really like my hygienist. She's awesome. Anyway, the "fill-in/substitute" hygienist was pleasant, nice, but not really the same at all. She basically pointed out everything I'm doing "wrong" in taking care of my teeth.
-I need an electric toothbrush
-I brush too hard and it's causing receding gums
-I have demineralization and need to change my toothpaste to one with fluoride and calcium (Thanks, it's been there for a while...not getting any worse)
-I need to floss every day (Don't we all...)
The list goes on...

Now let me get this out: I'm one of those people that loves the dentist. Weird I know, but I really do love that feeling of having my teeth all clean and no cavities. Well, unfortunately, I left feeling anything but happy that I went to the dentist this morning. Strike 3.


To make the rest of a long day short, I had to take ATI. I got a level 2 which on any other day I would be super happy about. For those who don't know, level 2 is likely to exceed NCLEX standards--so why not be happy about that right? For the life of me, I was ticked about it. So dumb. Strike 4.

Then I tried to go to the gym with Dan. I get through 2 different exercises and I just start bawling. Left the gym. Didn't even work up a sweat. Strike 5.

Drive home. Pissed I didn't get in any kind of a work out. Bawled even more in the car. Full on sobbing. It is really just ridiculous. Strike 6.

I've struck out like a million times today. The only thing I got right today, in my own head, was to love this wonderful man of mine. Through thick and thin, bad and good, he loves me just the same, perhaps even more. I don't even know how I got so lucky, but I did. And thank goodness for him.

He's such a fixer, and today it was super helpful. We're going to try something new with the gym thing. Monday Wednesday Friday hitting the gym in the morning. Here's to turning over a new leaf and trying something new. I have high hopes for this working, because somethings gotta give.

And here's to tomorrow being a better day than today.

Smothered with gravy

Sometimes, I look at our life and feel like all we do is eat, sleep, work, and go to school. That latter part happens to take over my life quite frequently despite my best efforts. We've stayed up many a night and had many a "car chat" and what to do and how to make sure we're okay despite all this business and fluff. Dan definitely gets more upset about it than I do, but I attribute that to him being way more in tune to not only the Spirit, but our relationship as well.

I find myself complacent with where our life is, mostly because I know that school is temporary. Just a little longer. The light is finally at the end of the tunnel and we are almost there. If you'd asked me this last year, I would have totally agreed because it felt like there was no end in sight. But now, here I am. Graduating in December. You have no idea how long I have waited to say that, or even write those words down. No more qualifiers, NEXT December, or December of 2014. No. Now I can just say December. It's a beautiful thing.

Side tracking. I don't want to look back on these years and only remember school. I want to remember all the laughing we did through this tough years, and how these years have helped us to learn to laugh through difficult and tough situations, and through times were we honestly probably did not have time to laugh. If anything, I want to look back on these years, poor college students working and going to school and living in a basement apartment, and smile with fondness because these are the simple years, and the very very blessed years. Not that future years won't be simple or blessed, but these are the years that I help to form and shape the rest of my life. These are the experiences I will relate to my children over and over as they grow up. And I want those to be happy memories, not just a monotonous routine of work, school and sleep.

On that note, we got home last night and I was instantly tired. This is a frequent occurrence from being so "go go go" all the time. We had dinner and were watching an episode of Burn Notice to relax before hitting some homework before bed. We were sitting on our bed, and started wrestling! We do this a lot and it mostly ends in a lot of tickling and laughing till I get the hiccups and someone crying out "UNCLE!!" Last night was no different. I was laughing so hard and had all the blankets shoved up next to my face. Dan was on top of me and tickling me, and I said "I'm being smothered...like gravy!"

He stopped, looked at me with the "What the heck did you just say?" face, and then started laughing. I probably said it a few more times because he totally didn't understand what I was saying. A few minutes later, I realized I probably should've said I felt like a potato being smothered in gravy. Equally weird, but we were rolling on the floor laughing. We do that a lot. Mostly at stupid things I say or my punitive attempt to whistle every time my cell phone rings (it's a whistling tune). But laughing breaks up the stress and monotony of school. Laughing keeps you happy. Laughing keeps the heart and soul young.

(Dan's surprise birthday party, 2011)

The Perfect Marriage

I've been wanting to write about this since yesterday but I didn't quite know how to say it. I still don't, but I can't get it out of my head and it really really needs to leave so I can focus on other things in my life.

The perfect marriage...what is it? Where does it start?

For me, it started right here...

For me, it started out as a forever kind of love, in the right kind of place, with the perfect man for me right by my side.

It was everything and more that I had dreamed about since I was a little girl. It's everything I had been taught in primary and throughout young women's unfolding right before my eyes.

It has been the greatest struggle of my entire life.
It has been the greatest blessing in my entire life.
It has been the greatest decision for my life.


In my eyes, the perfect marriage is the one you will go to hell and back for, the one you stay up all night fighting and crying for, and the one that at the end of the day, you're so so grateful you get to curl up next to them at night and sleep.

I tell Dan a lot that I'm the lucky one in this marriage, that I scored big and I definitely married up in all respects. I don't know that I tell him enough though. Our marriage is no where near perfect, but I wouldn't trade all the time we've had together and all the fights we've had for the world. Because after those fights, there's a sweet surrender and a realization that as angry and hurt as we might be, there's no where else I'd rather be in the entire world than right there with him, struggling and fighting and loving him, all at the same time. It's a complicated feeling. It's a complicated love.
Love is complicated. Period.

I really don't think they prepare you enough for marriage growing up. I know we all get the devotionals and the young womens/mens lessons about finding the right person and making sure you keep your standards high and date the people with your same values and standards, but I really don't think they teach you what to do after. After you find the right person. After you get married in the temple. After. It almost gets pushed off to the side and it kind of feels like they shove you out the doors and say good luck! Call us if you need anything!

I know this really isn't how it goes, and I'm definitely dramatizing it, but oblige me for a few minutes.

It seems like all around us, people we know, and even friends, are fighting and having trouble in their marriage. Quite honestly, I hate hearing about it. I don't mind being the listening ear that a friend needs, but it sucks to hear about that kind of stuff because then it gets me all worried about them, and to be frank, I don't have enough hours in the day to worry about myself and my marriage, and I definitely do not have the hours to worry about theirs. That sounds harsh, but I'm a straight forward kind of person.  I always have been.

Anyway, I listen and think to myself, there has to be some sort of program or class that you could go to before you get married. Like a marriage prep class. A legit one. I told Dan the other day (and don't get offended if I'm wrong) that if the Church held a class as sort of an "After the I do's" to open people's eyes into what marriage really is, I don't think nearly as many people would get divorced as do now. I mean, so much time and effort is taken to make sure you're prepared to go through the temple, why not a class to help prepare you for what married life is really like?

I love love love being married. It's by far the best decision I've ever made in my life. But it is hard. It is really freaking hard. And if you don't want it, if you don't need that relationship, that companionship in your life, you'll never make it. Forever is a really long time and that decision should not be made lightly. So much time and effort is put into teaching us to find the right person, and I think sometimes we get so caught up in that that we forget to be the right person for someone else. We forget those traits and qualities within ourselves.

I heard this quote somewhere, and I have absolutely loved it: You have to like yourself single if you're ever going to like yourself married.

I loved myself single (that sounds horrible, but roll with me). Ask any of my friends, I was happy and crazy and so completely comfortable with myself and who I am that I really didn't care what anyone else thought of me. I love myself married. I'm not nearly as crazy anymore, at least not in public. I still do some pretty weird things around the house and Dan just looks and me and laughs. I think he know's it's the Raegan and Abbie coming out in me. I still do not care what anyone thinks of me, and I'm happy.

I think the perfect marriage is one that you can be yourself in, the one that accepts you with all your flaws and all the imperfections, and still loves you just the same if not more. It's the one that compliments your strengths and weaknesses. It's the one where love grows deep within your soul each and every day. It's the one that encourages you to keep trying to keep pushing through the failures and the bumps in the road. It's the one that builds you up on the very worst of days. It's the one that does not accept failure as an option. It's the one that is centered and founded upon Christ.

Perfect is complicated. Perfect is negotiable. Perfect is whatever you make it. Perfect is perfect for you.

I love Dan more than words will ever be able to express. I hope my actions reflect even the smallest portion of the love I feel for him. He's my rock and strength, and if I have learned anything in this last year it's that I need him in my life and with him and the Lord on my side, I can conquer any mountain one step at a time. We're no where near perfect, but we're perfect for each other. And I wouldn't trade that love for the world.

Happy One Year Anniversary (one month and one day late :]).

And here's to many many more to come...