Saturday morning, Dan and I went to the temple. We haven't gone all summer; we never really made the time to go together, and between summer sales, and then his car accident, we were pretty busy. We finally made the time to go, and I was so thrilled. I had been looking forward to it for days. That morning though, I just felt like I'd been beaten down and pushed around. I felt like absolute crap about myself, and did not want to go to the temple at all. I flopped down (dramatic...I know) on the bed and just started bawling. It was a little ridiculous in retrospect, but it happened. Dan sat down right next to me, and asked, "Is Satan working pretty hard on you too?"
In my moping and crying trying to find a happy place, I hadn't even noticed Dan was struggling too. We sat for a minute, and then I got up, dried up, and we left for the temple. I felt so much IMMEDIATE peace as soon as I walked through the doors of the temple. It always amazes me how every single fleeting thought that plagues your mind outside just leaves when you cross the threshold. It's overwhelming. But it is so necessary, for in that peace and quiet, I find that I have come to know of my Heavenly Father's existence and very real love for me and awareness of me.
I feel my Savior's love in all the world around me. His spirit warms my soul through everything I see.
I feel my Savior's love; it's gentleness enfolds me, and when I kneel to pray, my heart is filled with peace.
I feel my Savior's love and know that He will bless me. I offer Him my heart; my shepherd He will be.
He knows I will follow Him, give all my life to Him. I feel my Savior's love, the love He freely gives me.
I left the temple feeling very blessed, and very happy. Saturday evening, Satan decided to go at me again though. Unfortunately, this fight did not go over so well. I was sobbing in the bathroom, and could not, for the life of me, stop. It took me staring myself down in the mirror, and verbally saying out loud each and every blessing I had been given that day that I could think of. I kept going for probably 10 minutes, listing blessings off in rapid succession. But I noticed something. By the end, I wasn't crying, I wasn't feeling down on myself for x, y, or z, I was actually happy. My spirit felt like and I was smiling.
Sunday morning came, and as we were getting ready for Church, we listened to MoTab radio on Pandora. It always puts me in the right mind set for Church. In Relief Society, the lesson was on a talk given in General Conference from April, Elder Holland's "Lord, I believe." This was one of my favorite talks from conference for the honest message it conveys and how much it helped me feel like I am not failing on my journey through life. I wanted to write down a few of the highlights from the lesson for me.
The father appealed to Jesus with what must have been last-resort desperation in his voice: "If thou can'st do any thing," he said, "have compassion on us, and help us." "Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief."
"Straightway," the scripture says--not slowly nor skeptically nor cynically but "straightway"--the father cries out in his unvarnished parental pain, "Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." In response to new and still partial faith, Jesus heals the boy, almost literally raising him from the dead, as Mark describes the incident.
1. When facing the challenge of faith, the father asserts his strength first and only then acknowledges his limitation
-In moments of fear or doubt or troubling times, hold the ground you have already won, even if that ground is limited. In the growth we all have to experience in mortality, the spiritual equivalent of this boy's affliction or this parent's desperation is going to come to all of us. When those moments come and issues surface, the resolution of which is not immediately forthcoming, hold fast to what you already know and stand strong until additional knowledge comes.
-The size of your faith or the degree of your knowledge is not the issue--it is the integrity you demonstrate toward the faith you do have and the truth you already know.
This point was brought up in the discussion: How can we exert our faith and our testimony BEFORE asking for help. Some of the responses were to develop good habits in the good times (reading your scriptures, saying prayers, attending the temple) because they will carry you through the bad/difficult times. Another was to have gratitude. My favorite was a friend who said that during a difficult trial in her life, she reflected back on Nephi's psalm, which says "I know in whom I have trusted." It brought her comfort because although the situation was difficult, and she didn't know what was going to happen next, she knew who it was that she trusted.
2. When problems come and questions arise, do not start your quest for faith by saying how much you do not have, leading as it were with your "unbelief." That is like trying to stuff a turkey through the beak!
-I am not asking you to pretend to faith you do not have. I am asking you to be true to the faith you do have.
-Sometimes we act as if an honest declaration of doubt is a higher manifestation of moral courage than is an honest declaration of faith. It is not! So let us all remember the clear message of this scriptural account: Be as candid about your questions as you need to be; life is full of them on one subject or another. But if you and your family want to be healed, don't let those questions stand in the way of faith working its miracle.
Blessings and recognizing them: there are ways that He answers our prayers and helps us that we cannot see!
3. You have more faith than you think you do because of what the Book of Mormon calls "the greatness of the evidences." "Ye shall know them by their fruits."
-This is a diving work in process, with the blessing s of it abounding in every direction so please don't hyperventilate if from time to time issues arise that need to be examined, understood, and resolved. They do and they will. In this Church, what we know will always trump what we do not know. And remember, in this world, everyone is to walk by faith.
*Be kind regarding human frailty--your own as well as that of those who sever with you in a Church led by volunteer, mortal men and women. Except in the case of His only perfect Begotten Son, imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with. That must be terribly frustrating to Him, but He deals with it. So should we.
-Limitation is not in the divinity of the work.
4. When doubt or difficulty come, do not be afraid to ask for help.
-A 14 year old boy recently said to be a little hesitantly, "Brother Holland, I can't say yet that I know the Church is true, but I believe it is." I hugged that boy until his eyes bulged out. I told him with all the fervor of my soul that belief is a precious word, an even more precious act, and he need never apologize for "only believing." I told him that Christ Himself said, "Be not afraid, only believe," a phrase which, by the way, carried young Gordon B. Hinckley into the mission field. I told this boy that belief was always the first step toward conviction and that the definitive articles of our collective faith forcefully reiterate the phrase "We believe." And I told him how very proud I was of him for the honesty of his quest.
What was once a tiny seed of belief for me has grown into the tree of life, so if your faith is a little tested in this or any season, I invite you to lean on mine.
I loved the point that Ashley Riggs (the teacher) made at this statement. She said that this is one of the great things about this society of women! We can lean on each other during the difficult times and be that strength and support for one another. She said we should invite others to lean on us for a while if they need to. I'll help to hold you up for a little bit.
I know that only at our peril would we allow doubt or devils to sway us from its path. Hope on. Journey on. Honestly acknowledge your questions and your concerns, but first and forever fan the flame of your faith, because all things are possible to them that believe.
There will come a time, or you will reach a point, where you can't do it on your own. But the beautiful thing is we were never meant to do it on our own. That's why we have a Savior!
I read this scripture Sunday night, and it was so incredibly fitting given the day's events.
Mosiah 23:21 "Nevertheless, the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and their faith."
I thought about it, thinking first of all that's a little twisted to purposely throw obstacles in our way, but then I thought about how those obstacles are thrown out of complete love for us and are intended to help us grow and turn to Christ, and be more willing to let go and let Him help us. There's a saying that I love, it says: Let go, and Let God. So much truth in those 5 simple words.
I kept reading, and verse 22 said: "Nevertheless, whosoever putteth his trust in him the same shall be lifted up at the last day"
We are promised, PROMISED!, that if we put our faith and our trust in the Lord, He will make our burdens light, and we will be delivered.
Days like Sunday, I'm so so grateful for an omniscient and omnipotent Heavenly Father who absolutely and completely knows me. My every weakness, shortcoming, insecurity, strength, talent, and even the very deepest desires of my heart, He knows.
And if you want to listen to Elder Holland's talk, I find the message to be even more profound.
In the words of Elder Holland, Hope on. Journey on.
