HABAN: blessed

Showing posts with label blessed. Show all posts

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

St. George Trip + Weekend

This weekend, Dan's work had a retreat in St. George.

They have one every year just over a couple of days, and this was the first one for us!

We have been looking forward to it for a couple months now, anxiously awaiting the arrival of June.

It also happened to coincide with the weekend that Dan's cousin, Aiko and her husband Todd were baptizing their little baby girl.

It was a little too perfect, as we would come to find out, to be able to do all of it in one weekend.

But we thought it was great timing and why not do it all!

It was also the same weekend as the ward party, and I was a little bummed to be missing that.

Awesome barbecue and homemade ice cream?

Who wouldn't want to miss that!

I had it all planned out.

Work half day on Thursday and take Friday off; we'd be back by Sunday night so I could work on Monday.

But as all well-laid plans go, you know exactly where it went.

Also, I got this crazy idea bouncing around in my head to chop my hair off.

So I had to find time to squeeze that in before we left.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

NCLEX

First things first: I could NEVER ever ever EVER have done this without these two.

The devil takes physical form in a test known as the NCLEX.

Those five innocent letters put together equal the most terrifying and horrific test to culminate my nursing career.

Let's preface this by saying I am the world's greatest procrastinator.

If there was a medal for it, I would win.
Not even kidding.

I had a great plan for passing said test.
I gave myself a two week break after school (Christmas break and all).
We were traveling to AZ for a few days over New Years anyway, so I figured it was a good time to take a break.
Then, we totaled our car driving to AZ.
Another story for another day.

When we got back from our adventure, I had every intention of studying!
The thing is, I seriously could not make myself care for the life of me.
To add insult to injury, I was already working full time and trying to adjust to life post-graduation.
Honestly, I was probably a little depressed.
It's a hard transition going from having a million things to do all the time to just working and studying for this heinous test.

I had to wait for my authorization to test, and that wouldn't happen until after my degree had been posted.
Degree posted on January 6.
I got online and filled out the application with DOPL.
I drove up one morning in the week following the degree posting to get my fingerprints done.
One of the nastiest mornings to drive all the way up to SLC.
All the rain made for an interesting drive up.
I turned in my application, got my fingerprints done, and paid the $100 application fee.
I was told it could take up to a week before getting my authorization to test.

Drove back and went to work.
I set up my account with Pearson View as well.
That was a little nerve-racking.
Then my ATT came in through my email.
Two days after submitting my application.
I died.
My heart sank in my chest.
It was the real deal.
I had 30 days to take my exam (by February 13).

Somehow, I mustered the courage to sign up for my exam.
I initially set it up for 2.2.15, which was a Monday.
After thinking about it more, I changed it to that Thursday, 2.5.15.

Paying the $200 to Pearson View and hitting submit nearly killed me.
Everyone at work was laughing at me.
I was pretty determined not to let anyone know when I was taking my test.
I don't think I could have handled it if I didn't pass and everyone was asking me about it.
The only people that knew besides my family were Amanda, Brenna, and Laura, the other nurses I work with.
I think I finally caved and told Dr. Garry and Scott, with strict instructions that they were not allowed to ask about the test the day after.
Thankfully, they listened.

I was okay at doing practice questions.
Okay I was horrible at it.
If I did one chapter a day, I was feeling pretty good!
Nothing that I felt would be enough to pass, but I was trying.

I remembered Renea telling us to study, pray, and then get a blessing.
I also had a thought to go to the temple.
I have been absolutely horrible about making the time to go this last year.
I've had every excuse in the book, and it's really pathetic that I'm surrounded by temples but can't make the time to go.
Well, we made the time to go.
And Satan put in overtime to make sure that didn't happen.

We went about two weeks before my test, and it took everything in me to get through the front doors.
It felt like I was pushing through a sea of something and everything was pulling me back.
Spiritually, I was fighting to get through those doors.
It was incredible the instant relief I felt as soon as I crossed that threshold.
It brought me to tears right there in the lobby of the temple.
I felt so lost and in such dire need of help that it was everything I could do to keep it together.
I remember telling Dan how afraid I was that I wouldn't pass.
I wasn't studying enough.
I knew that.
But I also knew that I was smart.
I could do this.

The next weekend, the weekend before my exam, we also went to the temple.
It was in this experience I had the feeling of calm and peace come over me.
It wasn't exactly comforting.
It was a peace that whatever happens, it will all be okay.
Not exactly reassuring, but it was all I had.

The week of the test, I didn't do a single question.
I did look at Renea's lecture notes and test taking strategies.
Those were INSANELY helpful!

The morning of my test, I got a blessing from my wonderful husband.
I don't remember much of what was said.
The only thing that sticks out about it was one phrase.
"Let your faith be greater than your fear"

I recalled this phrase many times throughout the rest of Thursday morning.
I headed out the door, put the address in my GPS.
It said it would take me an hour to get there!
I totally started freaking out.
I could not for the life of me figure out why it would take an hour to get to Draper.
I remembered that phrase again.
I turned on my location, and that time was cut in half.
I would make it just in time for the test at 8am.
Faith greater than fear.

My stomach ended up with a lead weight in it at some point on that drive.
Walking in to the building, I felt like I was signing my life away.
It was all on the line.
Right here.
Right now.
The culmination of my entire education reduced to one test.

As I was checking in, the guy asked me how I was doing.
"Okay."
It was honest.
I wasn't good, or great, or even remotely happy for that matter.
This all just needed to be over and done with so I didn't have to think about it.

I was escorted back to my cubicle to take my test.
I turned off the question counter.
I did not want to know where I was at.
I also didn't want to start freaking out if the test didn't shut off after 75 questions.
At this point, I just had to have faith that my education had prepared me.
That I was ready for this test.
That Heavenly Father would pull through for me.

The last time I checked the question counter was question #67.
I answered the question in front of me and had a thought that I would check where I was at after this questions.
I answered it, clicked next, and my test shut off.
I totally jumped in my seat.
My heart sank in my chest.
It was over.
I had no idea how many questions I had answered.
I raised my hand and the proctor came and got me from my seat.
I signed out and left.
It was over.
All that stress for an hour and a half test.

I drove home, met Dan for late breakfast at Ihop, and decided that I should probably go to work.
I didn't want to be bored at home.
Dan had class.
Might as well go to work and make some money.

Amanda started checking that night to see if I had passed my NCLEX.
She would check DOPL to see if my license had been posted.
Scott started checking too.
I was determined not to look until Monday at least.

The weekend came and went.
Monday morning, I checked DOPL right when I woke up (5am).
License status: ACTIVE.
I shot straight up out of bed and kept saying "I passed! I passed!"

A few weeks later, I got my license in the mail.
It's pretty legit.
And now, I can officially say I'm a nurse.
Arielle, RN.
Hell yes.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

LAST first day of school

Well ladies and gents, it actually happened. I have finally started my VERY LAST semester of nursing school EVER!!!!! <-- If you can't tell how I feel about it, take a look at all those exclamation points. I'm excited to say the least.

As first days go, it was fine. Boring. Overwhelming. And almost a somber feeling. This is the last first day of school I will have until I get super crazy and go back for a masters degree. This is the last first day I will have with this amazing group of people I have been so privileged to embark on this journey with. But it was also a very happy feeling. We are nearly there. We did it. We survived MedSurg. And then we all survived ICU despite those awful quizzes. The homestretch is here...finally.

I can honestly say though, I thoroughly enjoyed every last drop of summer. I did not do a single NCLEX prep question, or worry about any assignments. That was pure bliss.

I will be doing my capstone rotation on the 6th floor at UVRMC. Night shift. It should be fun. I'm a little worried about staying awake at night, but I'm sure it will be fine. Just an adjustment. Dan is a little sad about having to sleep alone, but Ruby will totally snuggle up to him! He'll be just fine.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear."

Capstone: prepare to be demolished.

Xxo, me.

Monday, October 14, 2013

High on life

You guys...today has been a great day. Phenomenal, in fact. I did not think it would end this way, considering everything I had to do today.

Last night, I was studying and finishing up some homework that was due this morning. I went to bed around 12:30 and woke up at 5 this morning to get everything finished. No sleep for nursing students. Anyway, I get ready, finish the homework and head to school. We had a Professionalism Conference today...blah. Really, these things are kind of a drag. The keynote speaker always loses me 15 minutes into the presentation. It didn't help today that I had to study for a test I was taking later that day.

To make it even better, they dimmed the lights. It should be cardinal rule during any presentation that extends longer than 30 minutes that you MUST do the following:
1. Keep the room cold--okay, not so much cold, but definitely NOT warm
2. Keep the bright lights on
3. Be engaging, or at least entertaining--powerpoint is not engaging. Or at least that's what they tell us in school. And it wouldn't hurt if they threw in a joke every now and then.

So anyway, we get through the keynote speaker (hallelujah) and then we had 3-30 minute break out sessions. Usually these are kind of a drag too. Surprisingly, and gratefully, today they were not. They were actually quite interesting. Well, 2/3 were interesting, which is a pretty good run for these professionalism conferences.

We get lunch, and then some of us had to rush off to a Global Health information meeting. Next summer, we get to participate in a global health semester, which is the semester where most people go abroad (Ghana, Tonga, Taiwan, India...). I have always planned on staying in Utah for this semester--I'm a little attached to my husband and sleeping in my own bed next to him. Today, I had quite a little revelation, or inspiration. Whatever you want to call it. It was awesome! And a little daunting.

The instructors started talking about the group that goes to Washington D.C. for their study abroad. Something about their little 2 minute presentation really spoke to me, and I just had this feeling, the small little ones in the back of your mind, telling me that's where I wanted to and needed to go. I went to a little informational meeting about it, and I kept getting more and more excited.

But the excitement had to be put on hold. I had to study for a test, which proved to be quite difficult. I could not for the life of me focus. But FINALLY (after 3 hours of dinking around trying to study), I buckled down, studied hard, and sailed pretty well through the test. I was so happy with my grade! It was an entire letter grade improvement from the first test--who wouldn't be happy with that.

Then I was able to get back to the excitement of Global Health. I talked to Dan, and he instantaneously said yes! I had to ask him 3 or 4 or 10 times if he was sure he was okay with me being gone for 8 days and spending a little extra money to go to D.C. He was. He's awesome!! So kids, I did it. I signed up to go to D.C. for my global health study abroad and I'm so so excited about it. And Dan is already brainstorming ways for us to help raise a little money to pay for some of the cost to go (he really is the best husband ever!).

Anyway, I'm a little high on life right now. I've had a great day, which is quite the change from Friday (thank goodness) and I just feel so so blessed in my life to have married the man I did, to be at the school I'm at, and to be in this wonderful nursing program that has presented me with countless opportunities to grown, succeed, and diversify myself from other nursing students. I feel truly and richly blessed.

Happy Monday everyone!

*Side note: I realized that I should probably blog more often so that it's not just "I hate my life" rants and "Life is awesome" posts. Just a thought--it may or may not happen. I just can't quite commit to that one.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

I believe

Sunday was an especially enlightening day for me. I think, given Saturday's events, Sunday was exactly what I needed, and my Heavenly Father knew that.

Saturday morning, Dan and I went to the temple. We haven't gone all summer; we never really made the time to go together, and between summer sales, and then his car accident, we were pretty busy. We finally made the time to go, and I was so thrilled. I had been looking forward to it for days. That morning though, I just felt like I'd been beaten down and pushed around. I felt like absolute crap about myself, and did not want to go to the temple at all. I flopped down (dramatic...I know) on the bed and just started bawling. It was a little ridiculous in retrospect, but it happened. Dan sat down right next to me, and asked, "Is Satan working pretty hard on you too?"

In my moping and crying trying to find a happy place, I hadn't even noticed Dan was struggling too. We sat for a minute, and then I got up, dried up, and we left for the temple. I felt so much IMMEDIATE peace as soon as I walked through the doors of the temple. It always amazes me how every single fleeting thought that plagues your mind outside just leaves when you cross the threshold. It's overwhelming. But it is so necessary, for in that peace and quiet, I find that I have come to know of my Heavenly Father's existence and very real love for me and awareness of me.

I feel my Savior's love in all the world around me. His spirit warms my soul through everything I see.
I feel my Savior's love; it's gentleness enfolds me, and when I kneel to pray, my heart is filled with peace.
I feel my Savior's love and know that He will bless me. I offer Him my heart; my shepherd He will be.
He knows I will follow Him, give all my life to Him. I feel my Savior's love, the love He freely gives me.

I left the temple feeling very blessed, and very happy. Saturday evening, Satan decided to go at me again though. Unfortunately, this fight did not go over so well. I was sobbing in the bathroom, and could not, for the life of me, stop. It took me staring myself down in the mirror, and verbally saying out loud each and every blessing I had been given that day that I could think of. I kept going for probably 10 minutes, listing blessings off in rapid succession. But I noticed something. By the end, I wasn't crying, I wasn't feeling down on myself for x, y, or z, I was actually happy. My spirit felt like and I was smiling.

Sunday morning came, and as we were getting ready for Church, we listened to MoTab radio on Pandora. It always puts me in the right mind set for Church. In Relief Society, the lesson was on a talk given in General Conference from April, Elder Holland's "Lord, I believe." This was one of my favorite talks from conference for the honest message it conveys and how much it helped me feel like I am not failing on my journey through life. I wanted to write down a few of the highlights from the lesson for me.

The father appealed to Jesus with what must have been last-resort desperation in his voice: "If thou can'st do any thing," he said, "have compassion on us, and help us." "Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief."

"Straightway," the scripture says--not slowly nor skeptically nor cynically but "straightway"--the father cries out in his unvarnished parental pain, "Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." In response to new and still partial faith, Jesus heals the boy, almost literally raising him from the dead, as Mark describes the incident.

1. When facing the challenge of faith, the father asserts his strength first and only then acknowledges his limitation
-In moments of fear or doubt or troubling times, hold the ground you have already won, even if that ground is limited. In the growth we all have to experience in mortality, the spiritual equivalent of this boy's affliction or this parent's desperation is going to come to all of us. When those moments come and issues surface, the resolution of which is not immediately forthcoming, hold fast to what you already know and stand strong until additional knowledge comes.
-The size of your faith or the degree of your knowledge is not the issue--it is the integrity you demonstrate toward the faith you do have and the truth you already know.

This point was brought up in the discussion: How can we exert our faith and our testimony BEFORE asking for help. Some of the responses were to develop good habits in the good times (reading your scriptures, saying prayers, attending the temple) because they will carry you through the bad/difficult times. Another was to have gratitude. My favorite was a friend who said that during a difficult trial in her life, she reflected back on Nephi's psalm, which says "I know in whom I have trusted." It brought her comfort because although the situation was difficult, and she didn't know what was going to happen next, she knew who it was that she trusted.

2. When problems come and questions arise, do not start your quest for faith by saying how much you do not have, leading as it were with your "unbelief." That is like trying to stuff a turkey through the beak!
-I am not asking you to pretend to faith you do not have. I am asking you to be true to the faith you do have.
-Sometimes we act as if an honest declaration of doubt is a higher manifestation of moral courage than is an honest declaration of faith. It is not! So let us all remember the clear message of this scriptural account: Be as candid about your questions as you need to be; life is full of them on one subject or another. But if you and your family want to be healed, don't let those questions stand in the way of faith working its miracle.

Blessings and recognizing them: there are ways that He answers our prayers and helps us that we cannot see!

3. You have more faith than you think you do because of what the Book of Mormon calls "the greatness of the evidences." "Ye shall know them by their fruits."
-This is a diving work in process, with the blessing s of it abounding in every direction so please don't hyperventilate if from time to time issues arise that need to be examined, understood, and resolved. They do and they will. In this Church, what we know will always trump what we do not know. And remember, in this world, everyone is to walk by faith.

*Be kind regarding human frailty--your own as well as that of those who sever with you in a Church led by volunteer, mortal men and women. Except in the case of His only perfect Begotten Son, imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with. That must be terribly frustrating to Him, but He deals with it. So should we.
-Limitation is not in the divinity of the work.

4. When doubt or difficulty come, do not be afraid to ask for help.
-A 14 year old boy recently said to be a little hesitantly, "Brother Holland, I can't say yet that I know the Church is true, but I believe it is." I hugged that boy until his eyes bulged out. I told him with all the fervor of my soul that belief is a precious word, an even more precious act, and he need never apologize for "only believing." I told him that Christ Himself said, "Be not afraid, only believe," a phrase which, by the way, carried young Gordon B. Hinckley into the mission field. I told this boy that belief was always the first step toward conviction and that the definitive articles of our collective faith forcefully reiterate the phrase "We believe." And I told him how very proud I was of him for the honesty of his quest.

What was once a tiny seed of belief for me has grown into the tree of life, so if your faith is a little tested in this or any season, I invite you to lean on mine.

I loved the point that Ashley Riggs (the teacher) made at this statement. She said that this is one of the great things about this society of women! We can lean on each other during the difficult times and be that strength and support for one another. She said we should invite others to lean on us for a while if they need to. I'll help to hold you up for a little bit.

I know that only at our peril would we allow doubt or devils to sway us from its path. Hope on. Journey on. Honestly acknowledge your questions and your concerns, but first and forever fan the flame of your faith, because all things are possible to them that believe.

There will come a time, or you will reach a point, where you can't do it on your own. But the beautiful thing is we were never meant to do it on our own. That's why we have a Savior!
I read this scripture Sunday night, and it was so incredibly fitting given the day's events.
Mosiah 23:21 "Nevertheless, the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and their faith."
I thought about it, thinking first of all that's a little twisted to purposely throw obstacles in our way, but then I thought about how those obstacles are thrown out of complete love for us and are intended to help us grow and turn to Christ, and be more willing to let go and let Him help us. There's a saying that I love, it says: Let go, and Let God. So much truth in those 5 simple words.

I kept reading, and verse 22 said: "Nevertheless, whosoever putteth his trust in him the same shall be lifted up at the last day"
We are promised, PROMISED!, that if we put our faith and our trust in the Lord, He will make our burdens light, and we will be delivered.

Days like Sunday, I'm so so grateful for an omniscient and omnipotent Heavenly Father who absolutely and completely knows me. My every weakness, shortcoming, insecurity, strength, talent, and even the very deepest desires of my heart, He knows.

And if you want to listen to Elder Holland's talk, I find the message to be even more profound.

In the words of Elder Holland, Hope on. Journey on.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Car Accident

Well friends...it happened. Dan's very first car accident since we've been married. Thankfully, everyone was okay and no one was seriously injured. Unfortunately, our car was in pretty bad shape.

Yeah...it was bad. So here's what happened:

Dan left for work about 7:45 am on Tuesday, June 25th. He was driving down 400 South in Springville heading towards the freeway. There's only one stop light from the freeway to Main street (a good 3-4 miles away). In the mornings, the traffic can get pretty backed up at that one light and if you're not paying attention, accidents happen that you can in no way avoid. Such was this lovely Tuesday morning.

I was sitting at home, Dan had just left, and I was cleaning up from making his lunch. I was probably checking out instagram or something, and I got a phone call from Dan (5 minutes after he had left). I thought it was to read scriptures together.

D: I just got into a car accident

A: No you didn't. Are you serious?

D: Yes...

A: *Slight panic* Umm okay, well are you okay?

D: Yeah I'm okay.

A: Alright, call the police and I will be right there!

Seriously, how sad is that that I thought my husband was joking when he told me he was in a car accident? Bad wife right there. But he literally had JUST left, and he sounded so calm on the phone that I didn't think anything had happened. Poor guy was probably in shock. I called my mom and I can feel my adrenaline kicking in and my heart is racing and I'm frantically searching for some basketball shorts and a t shirt to throw on. I felt so bad for waking her up (it was 6:45 AZ time) but she was awesome! I was trying to calm myself down but it was hard. I took off down the street and it felt like twice as long to get to where the accident was. I could see the police lights up the street and the traffic backing up. When I came up over the hill and I saw the damage to the lady that hit Dan's car, my heart just sank. The entire front end of her car was smashed. Then I saw our car. I've never been so anxious to see Dan in my entire life. There were 2 more cars ahead of Dan that got hit as well, so I had to park a few feet ahead of the accident. It's kind of a surreal moment because you see all the wreckage, but your mind can't take it all in. I had a one track mind at the time...just get to Dan.

That's probably way more dramatic than anyone cares to read, but it really was how I was feeling. I knew in my heart he was okay (and he had told me) but I just needed to see him and get that reassurance that everything really was okay.

Here's how Dan described the accident (in my words): Traffic was pretty far backed up, almost to the top of the hill, not unusual for a Tuesday morning. He looked down to call me so we could read scriptures, and he heard screeching and then he got hit. He doesn't remember actually getting hit (thank goodness), but he said that his first thought, as soon as he got the car out of the way of traffic, was to make sure everyone was okay.

And since diagrams are always helpful, here's two. One before the accident, and another for after the accident.

Basically, what happened was this: the lady who caused the accident was going down the road (probably 45-50 mph-the speed limit) and Dan was backed up with the traffic to almost the top of the hill. This is one of those hills that you can't see what's on the other side at all until you're on the very top of it. So you have no clue what color the light is until you're on the other side. Unfortunately for her, Dan was right there. She slammed on her brakes, and slammed into Dan. She hit Dan so hard, that he slammed into car #1 and car #1 hit car #2 (okay more like love tapped-car #2 barely had a dent in the bumper).

Our back bumper was barely hanging on, and the front wasn't hanging on too well either. Even looking at these pictures, it makes me so sad. We've only had that car for 6 months.

This is the damage to car #1 from Dan hitting it.

This is the car that hit Dan. Her car was JACKED UP. Dan said that there was smoke coming from her engine for a few minutes after the accident. Thankfully, she was okay.

So after an hour or so getting the accident cleaned up, and getting the preliminary copy of the police report, we went home. In all honesty, we probably should not have driven our car home, but we did. The steering column was totally wacked, and the back two tired looked like they could buckle in any minute. It was the longest 2 mile drive back home ever. To add insult to injury, we had to go like 25 mph the entire way.

Duke's of Hazard style...so ghetto. Love it.

So we spent the rest of Tuesday dealing with car insurance companies, claims, x-rays, and the chiropractor. And over the last few weeks, more calls from the insurance company and claims and chiropractor. We found out yesterday that the car is totaled. I went over to the body shop and cleaned everything out of the car. I probably could have cried had I been in a more emotional state. Thankfully I wasn't, but it really was sad. It got take away from the body shop today. No more taters to speak of.

All through this experience, I've honestly felt so blessed. The mechanic told us, after having one look at the car, that we were so lucky to have an old car. The old cars have steel bumpers, and that basically saved Dan from A LOT more serious injuries. Then we also found out yesterday too that we are getting more money for the car than we had originally thought. That was a huge relief because car shopping with not so much mulah is really quite depressing. Oh and one more HUGE blessing, the car insurance company called yesterday and they need the title in order to send us the check for the money from the totaled car. Well...we couldn't find it last night. Looked everywhere and could not find it. I was super frustrated to say the least. When I got home from work this afternoon, I started searching, and low and behold I found it!! Hallelujah!! Last blessing, our awesome upstairs neighbors have an extra car that they don't use over the summer and they have been so kind to let us borrow it until we get a new car! Thank you has never been so inadequate. They truly are gems. Thank you Jenkins!!

In summary, car accidents suck. But we have felt extremely watched over and blessed through the entire trial, despite the major set back of being down to one car again. I've been so assured again and again that my Heavenly Father is so aware of us and knows what we're going through right now. I have never been more sure that my Savior knows me.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Blessings

Sometimes I find myself feeling very lost and confused amidst the craziness of this life and all the shenanigans that go on in the day to day scenes. I always get reminded in those low moments of how much I truly am blessed, and how much my Heavenly Father knows me very personally. I'm reminded that He knows exactly what is going on in my life and He is aware of how I am feeling.

Today was one of those moments where I was reminded of those very blessings that in the everyday moments often get looked over.

Take some time tonight to think of a few blessings you may have overlooked today.

Remember the little things. And the big ones.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Power in the Priesthood

I have always had a pretty strong faith and belief in the power of the priesthood. I've utilized it many a time throughout my life, and Heavenly Father has always come through for me (not that I ever doubted He would). I had a great roommate and friend in college who asked me once if she would like me to write down what was said in the blessing. The thought had never occurred to me, and I was honestly a little taken back. How sweet that advice was and how much I continue to cherish it today. She wrote down the words from the blessing I received that night, and I read it often.

There seems to be recurring themes for me whenever I receive a priesthood blessing. If you would oblige me for a moment, I would like list just a few.

1. My Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me

2. They are proud of me

3. Seek guidance from the scriptures

These three have always come up (along with a few others) in each blessing I have received since college (basically the ones I have asked for and have had very spiritual experiences during). The one that always hits me so close to home though is that my Heavenly Father loves me, and so does Jesus Christ. In that moment, when those words are spoken, I have to catch my breath. My chest starts pounding, and it is undeniably the Spirit speaking to my soul that this is true. That He does love me. Me! For all my faults and short comings, I'm still striving to do what is right, and He loves me.

Wednesday of last week, I woke up with a sore throat. I did not think too much of it, but I started taking Mucinex like it's nobody's business. (See this post and you'll understand.) My best friend is getting married this week, and I did not want to be sick. Anyway, Wednesday came and went. Thursday rolls around, still have a sore throat, and little bit of head congestion. Keep taking Mucinex. After I got out of class, I had a bunch of errands to run, mostly groceries so I wouldn't have to buy any till after we got back from Arizona.

I came home, took a shower, got ready (well...I did my hair) and headed off to Costco. As I was driving, and later shopping through Costco, I could feel my body weakening, and this distinct ache in the back of my chest. It only got worse, and I pretty seriously considered not going to WalMart. Then I remembered...we have no food in the fridge. Dan needs something to eat for dinner. Suck it up and go. So I did. I called Dan though (he was on his way to an Elder's quorum meeting) and asked if he could find another person to help give me a blessing. I had clinical the next day and really could not (nor did I want to) miss it. He said he would. I soldiered on.

Almost. Making it out of WalMart was a struggle. By this point (and I'm not even exaggerating), I had absolutely no confidence in my muscle strength to keep me moving. I was literally trying to get out of WalMart as fast as I could so I could get home. My back was aching furiously and it was all I could do to wait to cry till I got home.

Being the great nursing student I am, I figured I either had a cold or the flu...though a sinking feeling told me it was the flu. I was not having it. WebMD was anything but vague, so I made some soup and crawled into bed with the Office, praying that Dan would get home soon.

He did and I was able to receive a blessing. I had a thought in my mind as they laid their hands on my head: Heavenly Father, I'm turning this over to you. I can't do it anymore. Pretty much those exact words. I was promised that my faith would make me whole. I sincerely prayed that night to help my body heal so that I could at least function at clinical the next day. I went to be around 830 that night. I woke up at 1230 still not feeling great, but went back to sleep. 530 rolled around and I jumped right out of bed. Felt like I had never been better. My body did not hurt at all! No small miracle in my opinion. I really wanted to die the night before.

It not only gave me an incredible amount of peace, but also faith and knowledge that my Heavenly Father is aware of me. Completely. He knows my needs, and the desires of my heart. He also allows me to grow in faith. I'm so so grateful that I had the prompting, thought, inspiration, whatever you want to call it, to ask for a blessing. Somewhere in my mind I knew that that was the only way I was going to make it to clinical the next day.

He delivered...like He always does. This experience was extremely evident, but it only helped me to see that He always answers, and always lives up to His promises. Perhaps not always in ways that we can see, but He does. And the answers are always in ways that we need.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Don't cry because it's over

SMILE because it happened.

This post is going to be more self reflective. Just a heads up.

I realized today that I don't really have a handle on death. The entire concept, the whole idea...it just doesn't sit well with me. I'm not comfortable with it, and I don't like it. Going into nursing, I figured I should get a grip on it real quick.

Let me preface this for a second, just so no one thinks I'm a serious wacko for posting this.
First point: We had to read a book at the beginning of the semester called Life with Big Al. It is about a gentleman who gets early onset Alzheimer's disease and it's basically a journal that his wife (who is his caregiver) keeps through the entire journey until his "graduation day." Reading that book was a challenge on one hand because my grandpa passed away from Alzheimer's a few years ago. So the subject matter struck a chord with me. On the other hand, I couldn't imagine losing my husband...ever. The thought of it makes me burst into tears actually and it fills me with the greatest fear.

Second point: I'm studying nursing. I'm currently in the gerontology section of the program and I do my clinical in a nursing care facility. I love it. I honestly dread going and never look forward to it, but the second I'm there and see my patients, I'm completely filled will so much love and happiness for all these people that I work with. However, it's also caused me to develop this petrifying fear of aging. But that's another story for another day.

Third point: I've never had someone close to me pass away besides one set of grandparents. And when both of those happened, it was always a good thing. That sounds morbid, but my grandpa had Alzheimer's...he wasn't there anymore for me. I think I started grieving long before he actually passed away so when it finally happened, it was almost relieving in the sense that when I saw him again, he would know me. He would be the grandpa I remember that knew my face, sang me songs, and always sent me home with a small sandwich bag full of nuts. My grandma's was also good because she was finally with my grandpa again. Who wouldn't be happy about that one?

So back to the whole reason this ever came up--today in my gerontology class we talked about dementia, and Judy Seegmiller (the wife of the gentleman mentioned above with early onset Alzheimer's) came into our class today to talk to us about her experience. It was so beautiful and you can tell she absolutely understands her calling in life. She understands that it was her mission to take care of her husband, and later her son, and all that she has to give to the world. She's amazing. I wish everyone could meet her. Hearing her story though, couldn't help but make me think and wonder. I realized that I really am not comfortable with death and the idea of it. If it comes up, I honestly get so uncomfortable and shy away from it. I feel like being LDS we should have this complacency with death--that it's not over and it's okay. But it still hurts. It doesn't take away the grief you feel knowing that one day you'll see them again. It only gets easier to deal with.

I called Dan on the way home from class and was just balling. I'm sure he probably thought I'd gone a little off my rocker at the moment, but he's so sweet. He just listens and always reminds me that everything will be alright in the end, and that if it's not alright, it's not the end (among other things).

I'm not really sure where else I wanted to go with this one. Like I said...it was more of a ramblings to clear my head. I doubt if this one even makes it to being legitimately posted for the blogger world.

I guess if anything that's coming out of this one is that I need to rely on my Heavenly Father for everything, but especially the things I don't understand or can't quite wrap my head around. I'm realizing to take the little things and remember them. Take all those precious moments I have with the people I love and cherish them forever. The thought makes me so so so grateful for the time I do have with Dan, the time I have had, and the time we will have together. I'm so grateful for my eternal marriage, to know that death is not the end (no matter how much I don't like the idea) and that it gives us just one more thing to look forward to.

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Why Sunday's are my favorite...and then some

(Preface...I wrote this ohhh 2 weeks-ish ago, and said nursing test that will be discussed later, well I have another one coming up. Oh the irony. This one I predict will go much better).

Not only do I get to spend the ENTIRE day with my wonderful wonderful husband, but it’s also the day that I get to be at Church, and feel the love of my Heavenly Father as I learn and grow more and more in the gospel. I know I can (and should) be doing this every day, but Sunday is just that day that’s set aside specifically for this one purpose. And that’s just one of the many reasons I love love Sundays.

But in order to understand this love a little bit better, we need to rewind to Saturday.

Saturday was the last day to take my nursing test. Yes I am a procrastinator. Always have been, and I’m pretty sure I always will, though I do have the resolve just about every week that I will do better (and for the most part this semester that’s worked out pretty well…except for this test). So I took Dan to work Saturday morning, and came home to study. I studied studied studied my little brain out, and I felt like I was doing okay. Then I realized that the study guide that had been handed out only had half the material on it. First “crap.”

I found the rest of the study guide online, downloaded it, and then proceeded to finish studying. I go to pick Dan up from work at 1 and had a little inkling to check the testing center line conditions (I had heard that on Thursday the lines were out the door and the wait was an hour to get in). Since the testing center closes at 4 on Saturdays, that means the last test is handed out at 3. So I wanted to be there around 2 just to be on the safe side. I checked the line conditions on my phone, and low and behold, it was packed! Second “crap.”

I panicked. Completely and utterly panicked. I hadn’t finished looking through all the material and hadn’t even really hit the important stuff. I rushed home with Dan in tow, burst through the front door, gathered up all the pages I’d been studying, printed off the study guide I’d been working on, and ran back out the door. I was in tears. It was a little ridiculous, but I honestly and truly felt like I was about to legitimately fail a test for the first time in my life. I had made a goal to get all A’s on my tests this semester, and so far I’d done just that: New Testament, Statistics, and this Nursing test was going to ruin it all. (This part was like the overwhelming “crap” going on in my head. Don’t judge, I have high standards for myself.)

We booked it to school, Dan dropped me off, and I was still in tears because I knew there was no way this one was happening. I didn’t deserve it on any account to do well on this test, and I sure as heck did not deserve to even ASK for the help I DEFINITELY DID NOT deserve. I get to the testing center, and just catch out of the corner of my eye a glimpse of the line: it was out the door. Third “crap.” (Though this one might have gone through my head more colorfully).

This time I kept the tears in, after all I didn’t want to fail a test and be completely embarrassed on campus all in the same day. A girl’s gotta keep a little dignity with her. So I’m standing in line, which surprisingly moved fairly quickly, and looking through all the powerpoint slides, frantically trying to remember all the things I’ve learned the last few weeks. I offered up a silent, pleading prayer, fully acknowledging that I had not prepared enough and that I knew I didn’t deserve any help on this one, but asking just the same. I had done all the reading (really, ALL the readings), all the homework, paid attention in class, and I just prayed that that would be enough, to just help me remember THAT stuff. I had another thought, to read my scriptures.

I came across this little gem: 2 Nephi 11:7

“For if there be no Christ, there be no God; and if there be no God we are not, for there could have been no creation. But there is a God, and he is Christ, and he cometh in the fulness of his own time.”

I’m a firm believer that He hears me, that He knows exactly who I am, and that He completely understands why I do the things I do. I’m also a firm believer that He knows exactly what I need to hear when I need to hear it. I’ve read this scripture before, and it hit me then much like it did on Saturday. Only this time, when I read that, it was almost like I felt Him tell me It’s okay, I can make up the difference, I know you’re not perfect, and you were never meant to be in this life. All I ask is that you try and consecrate your life to me. (In a lot more simpler feelings that words cannot quite express).

The test went great, in fact better than I could have hoped. I knew everything on the test except maybe 5 questions, and of those 5 I still felt moderately comfortable with the information. I turned it in, called Dan, and then decided to check my score. I was secretly in my heart of hearts hoping for an A (even if it was a 90, it’s still an A), all the while knowing that if I had gotten a B I would have been overjoyed! It loaded, and I almost broke down in tears right there. I had only missed 3 questions, and gotten a 93.6%.

You know those moments when you don’t even know where to begin to express how grateful you are for all the blessings in your life (especially the ones you see immediately) and “thank you” just never seems adequate, but it’s the only thing you can say?

This was one of those.

I jumped (practically) into Dan’s arms when I saw him, and I think he was honestly more excited than I was about this. Before I walked in to take the test, he had text me this: I CAN DO THIS! I AM SMART! I HAVE FAITH! I AM HAPPY! (these were each repeated 3x). I breathed a sigh of relief and it was all I could do to keep from crying (it was an emotional day) and smiling and laughing all at the same time. And then I told Dan crap! Now this means I have to keep the A’s on tests up! Haha go figure I was looking to let myself out of that goal!

Then Sunday came, remember it’s my favorite day of the week, and Dan was teaching Sunday School and had us look up this scripture: 3 Nephi 1:12-14

“And it came to pass that he cried mightily unto the Lord all that day; and behold, the voice of the Lord came unto him saying:

Lift up your head and be of good cheer; for behold, the time is at hand, and on this night shall the sign be given, and on the morrow come I into the world, to show unto the world that I will fulfill all that which I have caused to be spoken by the mouth of my holy prophets.

Behold I come unto my own, to fulfill all things which I have made known unto the children of me from the foundation of the world, and to do the will, both of the Father and of the Son—of the Father because of me, and of the Son because of my flesh. And behold, the time is at hand, and this night shall the sign be given.”

So it’s talking about the sign of Christ’s birth that would be seen in the America’s, but the bolded part was really the message he was looking to grasp from this. I think the background information is important though. Anyway, it was just another one of those that I felt was directed to me personally (though I’m sure many people felt that way too).

Dan had these words written on the chalkboard: OPPOSITIONàPOSITIONàPOSITIVE

It looked something like this after he was done explaining everything:

OPPOSITIONàPOSITIONàPOSITIVE

The underlying message was that we should be positive when we face our trials and to never back down.

Take home message: be positive through your opposition. You don't have to like it, but be happy through it. If there's anything I have learned throughout my life (geez it sounds like I've lived forever) it's that my Heavenly Father knows me. He loves me. He is aware of me. Time and time again I'm reminded of that, and it always makes me cry...but a happy cry. A grateful cry. It's a goal of mine to personally try to be happy. All the time. Even if I have to fake it for a bit till I really believe it.

Anddd...since this was originally written 2 weeks ago...test update: I have gotten A's on all my tests, except 1 (and that one was a B)! (I have a theory on that...more to come later.)

Thursday, September 6, 2012

MOTAB Pandora

I went for a jog last night as part of this new little lifestyle change I've started. It was great, just a quick 20 minute jog around the block. But as I turned the first corner, my Pandora switched from my upbeat/loud "Call Me Maybe" radio (don't judge...it's catchy) to MoTab. I looked down and almost changed it. I really have to get out of my own head to run, and didn't think MoTab would cut it, but for some reason I decided to just leave it. Maybe it would be okay. Maybe I could find some peace.

I definitely found the peace. It was way more relaxing than any run I've ever gone on. As I turned the last corner, pretty much a straight shot home, this song came on by Hilary Weeks. She's one of my favs to listen to on Sunday getting ready for Church.

This song hit home, not only to recognize the Savior's hand in my life, but also on a much deeper note. My grandma passed away Tuesday, very peacefully, and from what I've heard from my mom, she looked like she had just sat down in her chair to take a nap. This part makes me happy because she didn't suffer, and she was with my Grandpa again. But I don't think it really hit me until I was listening to that song last night. I just sat on my porch steps and cried for a minute. I miss that little lady. And if there's one thing I regret, it's not taking Dan over to see her when we were down in Arizona in February. I tell him so many stories about her, so hopefully that will suffice through this lifetime till he can meet her in the next.

Point being, the Lord's hand is in my life. He blesses me so tremendously and I don't say thank you enough. He knows what I need, and when I need it. How do you even begin to measure that kind of love?

Friday, August 17, 2012

He knows me

A couple of days ago, well more like the last week, has felt like climbing the mountain of trials and challenges. I won't bore you with the details, but it had just been a rough couple of days. So I remembered that I hadn't read my scriptures and decided that I really needed to read them. It had been one of those days where I just didn't quite know how we would make it through this one. Not going to lie, I felt like, in that moment, that my Heavenly Father had forgotten about me a little bit, and I felt myself losing a little bit of faith. (I was pretty emotional at the time...hence the irrational thoughts/feelings).
I came across this scripture while I was reading:

But that ye have patience, and bear with all those

afflictions, with a firm hope that ye shall one day

rest from all your afflictions.

-Alma 34:41

I have heard of people having the experiences where they flip open the scriptures and the answer to their challenge/question/trial, but I've never had that happen to me. This time it did. And I was extremely grateful for it.

It reminded me more than anything to have patience, and more importantly, hope. That one day all this will be over, and one day I will find eternal rest and peace.

To make it that much better, when one door closed, the window opened, and we're going to make it.

And to make it THAT much more better (yes...more better) I have this guy by my side each and every day to help me through anything that comes our way.
I know that with him, we can get through anything.
There's no one else I'd rather have by my side than him, and I know my Heavenly Father knew that I would need him.
I still say that I'm so grateful to this day that He and I agreed on him.

5.13.11: Best decision I ever made.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

BUFFALOOOOO

Last week my momma and the kiddos and I met up with the fam and went to Yellowstone. It was quite the eventful trip to say the list. I got to check off quite a few "FIRSTS" from my list.

#1. I got my first speeding ticket...well first ticket...ever. It sucked. End of story.
But the best part about the whole thing...get this. My mom had been driving the whole time. We're four hours into this drive, and I decided to drive for the next couple hours and give her a break. I pulled out of the City Market, drove not even 200 yards, and there's lights behind me. I have no clue where the cop came from...at all. The second best part about it, I didn't even see a speed limit sign, until right before I pulled off the road to get out of the way. 58 in a 40. That blows. Way to go out with a bang. And let's just say that Dan and I are even...and he's definitely driving home from Colorado.

#2. I saw a buffalo on the side of the road!! Seriously! We saw quite a few actually, and an entire herd! It was so stinking cool! Andddd...one of the best parts about the buffalo was Princess Caitlin's reaction to them...Enjoy.

#3. Elk. We saw two huge bull elks just walking along through the field. Huge racks! HUGE! Dan.Would. Have. Died. They were that close, and so beautiful! We also saw a field full of cow elk too. Definitely cool!

#4. Lions, and tigers, and BEARS! Oh my! Yes, the only thing my mom wanted to see the entire time was a bear. Me...not so much. But saw one we did. Thank goodness it was only one. It was actually quite cute, and pretty small, which is unnerving because you just know the mama bear probably wasn't far behind.

The thing that killed me about all of this is that these animals are wild. And people were walking into the fields to get closer pictures! Seriously the only thing I could think of was how stupid they are! One of the workers at the little gift shops told us that just earlier in the week, a guy had to go to the hospital because he got too close to a buffalo and it attacked him. Sucks.

The trip was awesome! Photo overload to come in a few.

A few highlights I definitely don't want to forget.
Princess Caitlin: (while admiring the buffaloes on the side of the road) Look at those balls...
(she said this entirely straight faced, and completely serious...I don't think she quite realized what she had said!)

Princess Caitlin: (again while admiring the buffaloes) OH MY GOSH THEIR HUGE!!!!

4 hours into our drive from Denver to the cabin we stayed at in Idaho:
Momma: Ethan, do you have your seat belt on?
Ethan: Oh darn it!

Rylee: I'm starting to think we should sing like that feral child from the zoo. Maybe the buffalo will come to us! They'll be like 'I hear the call! And the people!

Ethan: Get out of the way trees!!
We were all taking pictures as we drove through Yellowstone to get to the cabin. Ethan was taking pictures with his ipod. It was hilarious. We were dying laughing because he was so upset that the trees kept getting in the way of his pictures.

Dan told us all a joke before we left, and it's quite stupid, but really freaking funny!
What did the buffalo say as his child was leaving for school?
Bison!
See...dumb, but funny!

So the aforementioned feral child that we met at the zoo...she was singing to the lions. Like high pitched opera singing. Terrible. But whatever. So we thought it would be funny to see if we could call the buffalo. I don't remember who decided to come up with it, but we rolled down the windows and shouted: BuffalOOOOOOOOO!
We were all laughing about it the entire trip, and would have random little outbursts throughout the trips.

So after I got my ticket, I cried. Yes I'm a girl, and it was the first one. Anyway...Chandler wanted to throw her gum away, but we didn't have anything for her to put it in, so I handed her my tissue.
Arielle: It's just a tear tissue.
Rylee: No. It's a SNOT tissue.
Ethan: OHH! That's the worst kind!

AND...some personal favs from the trip.
Caution: PHOTO DUMPAGE.

Old Faithful.

Grand Prismatic Spring.

Favorite Brother.

Upper/Lower Falls.

Elk.

Buffalo crossing the river.

Jackson Hole Arch.

Rainbow. Lower Falls.

Family. Greatest blessing ever.