High on life

You guys...today has been a great day. Phenomenal, in fact. I did not think it would end this way, considering everything I had to do today.

Last night, I was studying and finishing up some homework that was due this morning. I went to bed around 12:30 and woke up at 5 this morning to get everything finished. No sleep for nursing students. Anyway, I get ready, finish the homework and head to school. We had a Professionalism Conference today...blah. Really, these things are kind of a drag. The keynote speaker always loses me 15 minutes into the presentation. It didn't help today that I had to study for a test I was taking later that day. 

To make it even better, they dimmed the lights. It should be cardinal rule during any presentation that extends longer than 30 minutes that you MUST do the following:
1. Keep the room cold--okay, not so much cold, but definitely NOT warm
2. Keep the bright lights on
3. Be engaging, or at least entertaining--powerpoint is not engaging. Or at least that's what they tell us in school. And it wouldn't hurt if they threw in a joke every now and then.

So anyway, we get through the keynote speaker (hallelujah) and then we had 3-30 minute break out sessions. Usually these are kind of a drag too. Surprisingly, and gratefully, today they were not. They were actually quite interesting. Well, 2/3 were interesting, which is a pretty good run for these professionalism conferences.

We get lunch, and then some of us had to rush off to a Global Health information meeting. Next summer, we get to participate in a global health semester, which is the semester where most people go abroad (Ghana, Tonga, Taiwan, India...). I have always planned on staying in Utah for this semester--I'm a little attached to my husband and sleeping in my own bed next to him. Today, I had quite a little revelation, or inspiration. Whatever you want to call it. It was awesome! And a little daunting.

The instructors started talking about the group that goes to Washington D.C. for their study abroad. Something about their little 2 minute presentation really spoke to me, and I just had this feeling, the small little ones in the back of your mind, telling me that's where I wanted to and needed to go. I went to a little informational meeting about it, and I kept getting more and more excited.

But the excitement had to be put on hold. I had to study for a test, which proved to be quite difficult. I could not for the life of me focus. But FINALLY (after 3 hours of dinking around trying to study), I buckled down, studied hard, and sailed pretty well through the test. I was so happy with my grade! It was an entire letter grade improvement from the first test--who wouldn't be happy with that.

Then I was able to get back to the excitement of Global Health. I talked to Dan, and he instantaneously said yes! I had to ask him 3 or 4 or 10 times if he was sure he was okay with me being gone for 8 days and spending a little extra money to go to D.C. He was. He's awesome!! So kids, I did it. I signed up to go to D.C. for my global health study abroad and I'm so so excited about it. And Dan is already brainstorming ways for us to help raise a little money to pay for some of the cost to go (he really is the best husband ever!).

Anyway, I'm a little high on life right now. I've had a great day, which is quite the change from Friday (thank goodness) and I just feel so so blessed in my life to have married the man I did, to be at the school I'm at, and to be in this wonderful nursing program that has presented me with countless opportunities to grown, succeed, and diversify myself from other nursing students. I feel truly and richly blessed.

Happy Monday everyone!

*Side note: I realized that I should probably blog more often so that it's not just "I hate my life" rants and "Life is awesome" posts. Just a thought--it may or may not happen. I just can't quite commit to that one.

Rant

If you're not in the mood for a "frustrated, I'm a little pissed at the world, can't stand my life" kind of moment, come back another day. That's just who I am this week.

Guys, it will be a HUGE and FANTASTIC miracle if I make it through this semester without either
1. Being medicated
2. Taking up drinking
3. or Doing hard drugs

It's a damn joke, my life. And believe me, this is me trying to have a good attitude about it. But clearly that's not working yet. I'm still fighting too hard against the stupid loop holes nursing school forces you to jump through. I'm sure in the morning, I will be ready to face my life, deal with my issues, and start jumping so damn high that I'll have reached the clouds. Until then, welcome to my little pity party.

This semester has been THE most challenging by far since I started school. Balancing my marriage, school, work, my health and well being, and my own spirituality has proven to be So. Hard. I feel like I'm constantly running on empty, and there's always more work to be done than I have time or energy to give.

School feels so insanely unorganized with too much work to get done in a week, let alone a day, and get enough sleep to continue functioning. I really do stay pretty on top of my life. I have a calendar, and a planner, and reminders in my phone. I get things done. I do them right. But for one reason or another, I completely spaced on part of my assignment. To add insult to injury, my instructor was less than helpful or understanding about it, and to be honest, a little condescending and unforgiving. I understand that I didn't get it done, and that's fine. I can own that. What really grinds at me is that it's the first week of clinical. How in the world are we expected to get every single little thing right the very first week. Can't you cut a girl just a little slack? Take points off for being late, whatever, but at least show a little kindness and understanding.

Just empathize a little. Recognize that I, the STUDENT NURSE, don't know everything. I am just LEARNING. I don't have 20+ years of nursing experience in one particular field under my belt. I haven't seen THAT much. And what I have seen has been in 3 separate fields, and no two fields are alike. Respect that I am trying to learn and master skills. I'm trying to apply the things I have learned in YOUR lecture to my clinical experience.

The stress and anxiety of it all is making me sick. Literally. My stomach has been in knots for the last week. Today, I barely made it out of the hospital before I burst into tears because it's too much. Much too much.

So tomorrow will be a better day. Tomorrow HAS to be a better day. For now, I'm going to finish a few things and just be done for the evening.

Checking out. 

October and fall leaves

October is one of my favorite times of the year, second only to Thanksgiving, and probably my anniversary. Here's a few reasons why.

1. All things pumpkin are now acceptable and will be for the next 3 months.

Let's just talk for a minute about how great pumpkin chocolate chip cookies are. Really. They are probably the BEST dessert ever. Pumpkin pie is pretty great, but these are my all time favorite. If you've never tried them (and you're a pumpkin pie fan), you NEED to.

2. The leaves are changing. They are turning all these absolutely brilliant shades of red, yellow, and orange.

3. The weather is finally starting to cool off, giving everyone (myself included) a much needed break from the heat. Bring out the sweaters, scarves, leggings, and boots!

How cute are these clothes? I think a shopping spree is in order, and I need to get some cute boots up in this closet. And that brown bag...most definitely. Love it all. I just love fall!!

4. Outdoor activities can actually be enjoyed without sweating to death or being eaten alive by mosquitoes.

I love sitting outside with Dan watching the sun go down. It's one of my top 5 favorite things to do with him. I love that the weather has cooled off enough that it's almost chilly when the sun finally does go down. I love that it's cool enough the mosquitoes have mostly died off and aren't attacking me anymore.

Hiking is definitely pretty high on that list. Dan loves being outdoors, so I'm sure in the coming weeks, we'll be outside quite a bit. Hopefully enough before the snow hits!

Love songs

I have this theory that once you get married (or are in a pretty seriously committed relationship) that all love songs start to apply to you. They each carry this meaning to you and you find yourself relating to each and every one...or at least I do. Maybe that makes me crazy, or insane. Maybe not.

There's always that one song that gets you every time. For me, it's the song Dan and I danced to at our wedding. It doesn't come on the radio, only courtesy of youtube, but it always takes me right back to that moment, where for a split second in time, it was all about us. Everyone was watching, and I was so lost in that moment I couldn't have cared for a second. He was everything I'd ever dreamed about, everything I'd ever wanted, and in that moment, my life was complete. Everything was absolutely perfect. I found my forever, my soul mate, my best friend, the one who gets me like no one else ever really could. 

Even 2 1/2 years later, he's still the only one that really gets me, and the one I run to for everything. He's the one at the end of the day I want to share all my stories with, and he never gets tired of them. He's the one I text during the middle of the day when I've had an epiphany or learned something great in school, or had the opportunity to perform a skill in clinical (no matter how disgusting or grotesque it may be). He's the one that always supports me, and sometimes carries my dreams for me when I've had enough and can't go on.

He's the one that loves me, truly loves me for me--all my flaws and imperfections. I probably would have driven anyone else crazy by now.

My heart is set on you. I don't want no one else.

Pulling my hair out

I feel like this is my life right now. Today. Tomorrow. This week. This whole damn semester. 

I wouldn't be all that surprised if by the end of the semester I have some grey hair, or my hair is falling out. It's ridiculous to say the least. So much for this being the "easy" semester of nursing school. It's already turning out to be much more difficult that Med-Surg. Not in the content, but in the amount of work they're asking us to do. You guys, it's a freaking joke. 

Care for a sample? 

For tomorrow, I have to have read 2 chapters in my Mom/Baby book (mind you these chapters are like 80-100 pgs long each), 30 pages plus another 80 page chapter for Pediatrics, and then 4 different articles for Ethics. 

Oh and to add icing to this cake, I have a public health module that I have to complete by the end of the week...which let's be real for a minute--it's a waste of my freaking time. I pay my college tuition not so I can do it online, but so I can sit in a classroom and have instructors teach me. Ugh. We won't get into that.

I feel like in a nutshell, this semester is a mess. It's all over the place and so completely disorganized I can't even stand it. I try so hard to keep myself organized and I just feel more and more frustrated with each email that I get telling me about a different assignment, or changes to an assignment. I kind of want to scream at someone to get their shit together. The faculty expect that out of us, don't you think it's rightly fair that we expect that out of them? 

I get that occasionally there's going to be changes, and not everything works out in real life as well as it looks on paper. But really, it's like one thing after another. And I'm over it. Done. Checked out. Ready for it to be Christmas break and onto a new semester. 

At the end of the day, this is what my life feels like. A complete and utterly disgusting mess. And I hate it. It gives me so much stress because everything is all over the place despite my best efforts to keep it organized. Not joking-I have a planner (that I'm ACTUALLY using this semester to write everything down) and a white board that's probably 3-4 feet long with a gigantic calendar drawn on it and all of my assignments color coded so I know what's what. I'm pretty freaking organized. 

But it's still not enough. I probably should consider investing in a personal secretary to keep me on task and getting my assignments completed. 

Because, at the end of the day...I feel like this. Crash and burn. 

At some point...somethings gotta give. At some point...this will all get better. At SOME POINT...I will look back on these days and laugh...or at least smile. Right?

Little Miracles

You guys...we have a slight problem. I have been doing a TON (literally a ton) of OB prep before I start clinical this Friday. I'm seriously so excited to actually be on the floor, and to top it all off I get to start out in Labor & Delivery!!! If you had talked to me about this a week ago, I would not have been this excited, at all.

What has caused this change of heart, you might ask? All of this OB prep. And touring the hospital last week to see where we would be each week as we rotate through all the mother/baby services at the U of U hospital. I just watched a video that basically takes you through the entire process of having a baby-conception to birth. So freaking awesome.

Really. Like it is no small miracle that so many things go right so often.

And to make this even better, at clinical on Friday I actually got to witness a birth!!! I could have cried (I didn't...that's awkward). But there was such a presence and at least for me, I could feel the Spirit so close in that moment. I really am going to enjoy my L&D semester.

BUT...it did remind me that I am definitely not ready to have babies of my own yet.

Good thing I have a year and half left of nursing school to get used to that idea of pushing a baby out. But, man I can't wait to see what they will look like...

3 Cheers for the Weekend

Yay for Saturday!!! In my opinion, one of the best days of the week. This semester, it will be an especially welcomed day. You see, this semester, I have clinical on Fridays...for 12 hours. I may die. I really am excited though, and this week I'm on Labor & Delivery!!! I thought I would be totally freaked out by the idea, but I really am excited for it.

In celebration of the end and survival of the first week back to school, guess what I am doing today? Homework. But I'm actually happy about it, because I am trying really hard to stay on top of school this year, not procrastinate (too terribly bad--old habits die hard), and be prepared for all my lectures. I've committed to myself to spend {at least} an hour every Saturday to getting organized for the next week and getting any last minute loose ends from the previous week tied up and completed. So far, we're doing good!

Anyway, school has been great so far and I'm really excited for the upcoming weeks and months ahead. Bring on the screaming mommas and crying babies!!