He really is the BEST!!

Indulge me for a minute or two to brag about my most excellent husband.

So last night, I went to sleep around 11 (I had clinical at 545 the next morning in Salt Lake, so I had to get up early) and apparently I woke up around 12 last night, got right out of bed, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes and started to get ready for clinical. Dan was just staring at me and then had to tell me that it was only 12, and to go back to sleep. I obliged, and climbed back in bed.

Well 230 rolled around, I woke up again, this time with some seriously intense stomach pain. I'll spare you the details, but it wasn't pretty. I pretty much just curled myself up in the fetal position and was trying to breathe through the nausea. My sweet husband rubbed my back and ran his fingers through my hair for what seemed like hours until I fell asleep. My alarm went off at 430, still felt like crap, long story short didn't go to clinical.

Come to find out when I woke up for real at 10 am this morning that he had stayed up till 5 this morning, making sure I was okay and that I didn't need anything. This guy had work at 11 this morning, and pretty much only got 5 hours of sleep, because he was taking care of me. Even when I was asleep.

I just love the crap out of him. I have always said he was the best thing that ever happened to me, and it's these super selfless moments, when I would have never known if he'd fallen asleep or not, that I realize just how blessed I am, and as sappy as it sounds, I fall more in love with him. He's definitely my other half, and I'll spend the rest of my life just trying to keep up with him.

So tomorrow...

I get to go stuff my face with steak and other yummy goodness! And all in the name of a FANTASTIC cause. Which makes it that much more better. Yes...more better.

So this aforementioned cause...well I don't know how many of you heard about the border patrol agent that was killed a few weeks back (Nicholas Ivie), well Dan's dad was actually in the bishopric with him. So that one hit a little close to home. Anyway, this is a benefit night for him. There's quite a few restaurants here in Utah County that are "hosting" I guess you would say, or sponsoring this event. Here's the link to the facebook page: Nicholas Ivie Memorial Benefit-Utah. 

If you need an excuse to go out tomorrow night, this is the perfect one! Mention at any of the restaurants listed on the facebook page that you're there for the benefit and they'll donate a portion of your bill to the Ivie family.

So Utah friends, go out to eat tomorrow!! Help this family...and enjoy some great food!

Don't cry because it's over

SMILE because it happened.

This post is going to be more self reflective. Just a heads up.

I realized today that I don't really have a handle on death. The entire concept, the whole idea...it just doesn't sit well with me. I'm not comfortable with it, and I don't like it. Going into nursing, I figured I should get a grip on it real quick.

Let me preface this for a second, just so no one thinks I'm a serious wacko for posting this.
First point: We had to read a book at the beginning of the semester called Life with Big Al. It is about a gentleman who gets early onset Alzheimer's disease and it's basically a journal that his wife (who is his caregiver) keeps through the entire journey until his "graduation day." Reading that book was a challenge on one hand because my grandpa passed away from Alzheimer's a few years ago. So the subject matter struck a chord with me. On the other hand, I couldn't imagine losing my husband...ever. The thought of it makes me burst into tears actually and it fills me with the greatest fear. 

Second point: I'm studying nursing. I'm currently in the gerontology section of the program and I do my clinical in a nursing care facility. I love it. I honestly dread going and never look forward to it, but the second I'm there and see my patients, I'm completely filled will so much love and happiness for all these people that I work with. However, it's also caused me to develop this petrifying fear of aging. But that's another story for another day. 

Third point: I've never had someone close to me pass away besides one set of grandparents. And when both of those happened, it was always a good thing. That sounds morbid, but my grandpa had Alzheimer's...he wasn't there anymore for me. I think I started grieving long before he actually passed away so when it finally happened, it was almost relieving in the sense that when I saw him again, he would know me. He would be the grandpa I remember that knew my face, sang me songs, and always sent me home with a small sandwich bag full of nuts. My grandma's was also good because she was finally with my grandpa again. Who wouldn't be happy about that one?

So back to the whole reason this ever came up--today in my gerontology class we talked about dementia, and Judy Seegmiller (the wife of the gentleman mentioned above with early onset Alzheimer's) came into our class today to talk to us about her experience. It was so beautiful and you can tell she absolutely understands her calling in life. She understands that it was her mission to take care of her husband, and later her son, and all that she has to give to the world. She's amazing. I wish everyone could meet her. Hearing her story though, couldn't help but make me think and wonder. I realized that I really am not comfortable with death and the idea of it. If it comes up, I honestly get so uncomfortable and shy away from it. I feel like being LDS we should have this complacency with death--that it's not over and it's okay. But it still hurts. It doesn't take away the grief you feel knowing that one day you'll see them again. It only gets easier to deal with. 

I called Dan on the way home from class and was just balling. I'm sure he probably thought I'd gone a little off my rocker at the moment, but he's so sweet. He just listens and always reminds me that everything will be alright in the end, and that if it's not alright, it's not the end (among other things). 

I'm not really sure where else I wanted to go with this one. Like I said...it was more of a ramblings to clear my head. I doubt if this one even makes it to being legitimately posted for the blogger world.

I guess if anything that's coming out of this one is that I need to rely on my Heavenly Father for everything, but especially the things I don't understand or can't quite wrap my head around. I'm realizing to take the little things and remember them. Take all those precious moments I have with the people I love and cherish them forever. The thought makes me so so so grateful for the time I do have with Dan, the time I have had, and the time we will have together. I'm so grateful for my eternal marriage, to know that death is not the end (no matter how much I don't like the idea) and that it gives us just one more thing to look forward to. 

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. 

Why Sunday's are my favorite...and then some

(Preface...I wrote this ohhh 2 weeks-ish ago, and said nursing test that will be discussed later, well I have another one coming up. Oh the irony. This one I predict will go much better).

Not only do I get to spend the ENTIRE day with my wonderful wonderful husband, but it’s also the day that I get to be at Church, and feel the love of my Heavenly Father as I learn and grow more and more in the gospel. I know I can (and should) be doing this every day, but Sunday is just that day that’s set aside specifically for this one purpose. And that’s just one of the many reasons I love love Sundays.

But in order to understand this love a little bit better, we need to rewind to Saturday.

Saturday was the last day to take my nursing test. Yes I am a procrastinator. Always have been, and I’m pretty sure I always will, though I do have the resolve just about every week that I will do better (and for the most part this semester that’s worked out pretty well…except for this test). So I took Dan to work Saturday morning, and came home to study. I studied studied studied my little brain out, and I felt like I was doing okay. Then I realized that the study guide that had been handed out only had half the material on it. First “crap.”

I found the rest of the study guide online, downloaded it, and then proceeded to finish studying. I go to pick Dan up from work at 1 and had a little inkling to check the testing center line conditions (I had heard that on Thursday the lines were out the door and the wait was an hour to get in). Since the testing center closes at 4 on Saturdays, that means the last test is handed out at 3. So I wanted to be there around 2 just to be on the safe side. I checked the line conditions on my phone, and low and behold, it was packed! Second “crap.”

I panicked. Completely and utterly panicked. I hadn’t finished looking through all the material and hadn’t even really hit the important stuff. I rushed home with Dan in tow, burst through the front door, gathered up all the pages I’d been studying, printed off the study guide I’d been working on, and ran back out the door. I was in tears. It was a little ridiculous, but I honestly and truly felt like I was about to legitimately fail a test for the first time in my life. I had made a goal to get all A’s on my tests this semester, and so far I’d done just that: New Testament, Statistics, and this Nursing test was going to ruin it all. (This part was like the overwhelming “crap” going on in my head. Don’t judge, I have high standards for myself.)

We booked it to school, Dan dropped me off, and I was still in tears because I knew there was no way this one was happening. I didn’t deserve it on any account to do well on this test, and I sure as heck did not deserve to even ASK for the help I DEFINITELY DID NOT deserve. I get to the testing center, and just catch out of the corner of my eye a glimpse of the line: it was out the door. Third “crap.” (Though this one might have gone through my head more colorfully).

This time I kept the tears in, after all I didn’t want to fail a test and be completely embarrassed on campus all in the same day. A girl’s gotta keep a little dignity with her. So I’m standing in line, which surprisingly moved fairly quickly, and looking through all the powerpoint slides, frantically trying to remember all the things I’ve learned the last few weeks. I offered up a silent, pleading prayer, fully acknowledging that I had not prepared enough and that I knew I didn’t deserve any help on this one, but asking just the same. I had done all the reading (really, ALL the readings), all the homework, paid attention in class, and I just prayed that that would be enough, to just help me remember THAT stuff. I had another thought, to read my scriptures.

I came across this little gem: 2 Nephi 11:7

“For if there be no Christ, there be no God; and if there be no God we are not, for there could have been no creation. But there is a God, and he is Christ, and he cometh in the fulness of his own time.”

I’m a firm believer that He hears me, that He knows exactly who I am, and that He completely understands why I do the things I do. I’m also a firm believer that He knows exactly what I need to hear when I need to hear it. I’ve read this scripture before, and it hit me then much like it did on Saturday. Only this time, when I read that, it was almost like I felt Him tell me It’s okay, I can make up the difference, I know you’re not perfect, and you were never meant to be in this life. All I ask is that you try and consecrate your life to me. (In a lot more simpler feelings that words cannot quite express).

The test went great, in fact better than I could have hoped. I knew everything on the test except maybe 5 questions, and of those 5 I still felt moderately comfortable with the information. I turned it in, called Dan, and then decided to check my score. I was secretly in my heart of hearts hoping for an A (even if it was a 90, it’s still an A), all the while knowing that if I had gotten a B I would have been overjoyed! It loaded, and I almost broke down in tears right there. I had only missed 3 questions, and gotten a 93.6%.

You know those moments when you don’t even know where to begin to express how grateful you are for all the blessings in your life (especially the ones you see immediately) and “thank you” just never seems adequate, but it’s the only thing you can say?

This was one of those.

I jumped (practically) into Dan’s arms when I saw him, and I think he was honestly more excited than I was about this. Before I walked in to take the test, he had text me this: I CAN DO THIS! I AM SMART! I HAVE FAITH! I AM HAPPY! (these were each repeated 3x). I breathed a sigh of relief and it was all I could do to keep from crying (it was an emotional day) and smiling and laughing all at the same time. And then I told Dan crap! Now this means I have to keep the A’s on tests up! Haha go figure I was looking to let myself out of that goal!

Then Sunday came, remember it’s my favorite day of the week, and Dan was teaching Sunday School and had us look up this scripture: 3 Nephi 1:12-14

“And it came to pass that he cried mightily unto the Lord all that day; and behold, the voice of the Lord came unto him saying:

Lift up your head and be of good cheer; for behold, the time is at hand, and on this night shall the sign be given, and on the morrow come I into the world, to show unto the world that I will fulfill all that which I have caused to be spoken by the mouth of my holy prophets.

Behold I come unto my own, to fulfill all things which I have made known unto the children of me from the foundation of the world, and to do the will, both of the Father and of the Son—of the Father because of me, and of the Son because of my flesh. And behold, the time is at hand, and this night shall the sign be given.”

So it’s talking about the sign of Christ’s birth that would be seen in the America’s, but the bolded part was really the message he was looking to grasp from this. I think the background information is important though. Anyway, it was just another one of those that I felt was directed to me personally (though I’m sure many people felt that way too).

Dan had these words written on the chalkboard: OPPOSITIONàPOSITIONàPOSITIVE

It looked something like this after he was done explaining everything:

OPPOSITIONàPOSITIONàPOSITIVE

The underlying message was that we should be positive when we face our trials and to never back down.

Take home message: be positive through your opposition. You don't have to like it, but be happy through it. If there's anything I have learned throughout my life (geez it sounds like I've lived forever) it's that my Heavenly Father knows me. He loves me. He is aware of me. Time and time again I'm reminded of that, and it always makes me cry...but a happy cry. A grateful cry. It's a goal of mine to personally try to be happy. All the time. Even if I have to fake it for a bit till I really believe it.

Anddd...since this was originally written 2 weeks ago...test update: I have gotten A's on all my tests, except 1 (and that one was a B)! (I have a theory on that...more to come later.)

fun.

No matter what kind of mood I'm in, lately this song has always put me in a good mood. The kind of mood that let's me just dance around my kitchen floor and sing at the top of my lungs. It's the best when it comes on the radio--Dan and I start jamming out in the car. It's quite a sight.

some nights.fun.

(**just a heads up at 3:51-mute it. just do it.)

After all, who wants to die alone all dried up in the desert sun? (Shout out to AZ!!)

It's making this exhausted study sesh for the stats test much easier. At least in my head. Which seems like quite the chaotic and confusing place to be these days. 

I'm trying to find a good thought to put at the end of this, and nothing's coming. 

But the one thing that keeps coming back is gratitude. I'm grateful for this school I'm privileged to attend. I'm grateful for the knowledge and education I'm receiving here. I'm grateful for a school that teaches me to encompass Christ into my daily nursing practices. I'm grateful for the nurse I am becoming and the instructors who are teaching me to become better. I'm grateful for my Savior, and his hand in my life. It's everywhere, and lately I've noticed it that much more. I'm grateful for a Savior who truly understands me. And last, though certainly not least, I'm grateful for a husband who is so selfless and encouraging. He's my number one fan, and never lets me forget it. He's so in tune with the Spirit and always knows what to do...and when he doesn't, we figure it out together. I love him unconditionally, and it's growing more and more each day--more than I ever thought possible and more than I'll ever be able to express. 

Take away message: fun. & gratitude will turn your frown upside down  :]

The struggle bus

This week has been less than ideal...and it's only Tuesday. Let's just say for arguments sake that three tests in one week does not have the most promising and uplifting of outlooks. Too say it's quite daunting is the understatement of the year.

But all the same, this too shall pass. Because last time I checked, three tests in 6 days does not equate to the world ending. Before I know  it, Saturday will be here, and this hellish week will be a distant memory.
Unfortunately, not too distant.
The reality is, after this week, I have another test next week, and another one the week after.
At least those I will have some legitimate time to study for.

Yesterday (Monday) was a long day. Monday's are always long days. I'm at school from 8 am till 7 pm, but I'm over that much of it. Yesterday was an exceptionally long day. I didn't sleep all that well the night before, and I knew how much stress this week was holding in it's grimy little hands waiting to unleash upon me. I braved the day, much like I always do, and went to lab. This is where it starts to roll down hill.

We had to give all our shots again. No big. The time constraint...that was big. I had to prepare all the oral meds, calculate four doses, prepare and administer four shots in about 30-45 minutes. Now to all the experienced nurses out there, this is cake, child's play. But to the itty bitty little stressed out nursing student, this is slightly short of hell. Anyway, it came and went and was over, thank goodness. Only it wasn't. I'd forgotten to give one shot, so I hurried and grabbed the supplies, drew up the dosage and gave the shot. Fatal mistake.

I failed epically in that last 30 seconds before giving the injection. I pretty much committed a cardinal sin of nursing. I didn't check the expiration date on the vial. It was expired. In August. Fail fail fail.

Okay, so it wasn't fatal, but it's was pretty ridiculous. Thankfully it was only 0.9% sodium chloride in sterile saline, but still. It's the entire principle of the matter.

Here comes the kicker: we didn't even realize it was expired until 3 hours later. Thankfully (for embarrassment's sake) I wasn't the only one who'd administered the expired meds. Unfortunately, this called for an incident report--this pretty little pink paper that asks you what happened/who was hurt/what can be done to correct it in the future...blah blah blah. You get it.

Filled it out, turned it in. No harm done, except maybe to my bruised ego. It was just the culmination of everything and it turned Monday into one of those days where I really just can't wait to go home and be done with it all. Struggling. Seriously struggling. I need a break. STAT. Even if it's just a 3 day weekend. Something.

Today, I was hopeful, if only slightly so. I went to school, preparing full well for the stats test I have to take tonight (I'm determined to get all A's and pay no late fees on any tests this semester) and guess what gets brought up in class...the expired vials. I shouldn't be so sensitive because it wasn't just me who made the mistake, and if anything it was to help everyone else realize how easy mistakes are made and that we need to be more careful, blah blah blah. But it sucks, knowing that one of those people they're talking about it  you. It makes you feel like you have a sign across your forehead that says Hey it's me! I'm the one they're talking about! I'm the one who forgot to check the expiration date! It's an awkward feeling, and not one that I enjoy.

Thankfully, my instructor is THE BEST and after talking to her after class, she really reassured me that it's perfectly okay, and that all the incident report is is a formality IN CASE something happens, which hopefully it won't. Rough way to learn how to fill one of those baby's out.

Anyway, it's only Tuesday, and midday at that, and I'm riding the struggle bus...hard. Knocking stuff down left and right. Hopefully after this test is over, I'll feel a little less out of control and all over the place, but it's not likely.

Bahhh...when do I graduate again?!

Adventures in the Pumpkin Patch

This weekend, we went with our friends, the Bunkers, down to Santaquin to a pumpkin patch! It was quite the fun adventure. We were pulled in a trailer by a tractor to the patch and had so much fun sliding down the big slides, going through the box maze, and taking pictures in the cut outs of American Gothic. Yes, we were like a bunch of little kids let loose. It was great, and the perfect little relief for the weekend. I might go down there again just for the slides and maze after this week of hellishness is over (3 tests...boo).

Back to the happy part, it's best to tell in pictures:

Walking to the trailer...we're both pretty excited. (And conveniently matching in jeans and white v-necks...it's love I tell ya!)

Yes, that's the slide!! So fun!!

Dan and I went down the big one in a "train" and then he went down the small one again. It doesn't look like it, but he really was having a blast!

The pumpkin patch

So proud of our pumpkin :]

I just can't get enough of him! Especially w/ that smile.

Isn't that the prettiest pumpkin you've ever seen?!

You'd think with as many pictures that we took of it, the pumpkin was our kid or something

Just before we left..the clouds were rolling in

So funny story, the pumpkin had a dirt spot on it and I accidentally rubbed it all across my shirt. Hence, the sad face. Thankfully, it rubbed right off.

I definitely take it for granted, but I love holding his hand on car rides home.

We thank thee oh God for a Prophet

So this is already an amazing General Conference!

President Monson announced 2 new temples:
1. Tucson Arizona (That makes temple #6 in Arizona!!!!!)
2. Peru

And then, as if the Tucson Temple wasn't exciting enough, the age for missionaries was changed:
1. Men can go now at 18 instead of 19
2. Women can go now at 19 instead of 21

I am so so so excited and this is already turning into the most spiritually uplifting weekend. And it can only get better from here.

Happy Conference Weekend everyone :]

And if you want to watch it, here's the link: http://www.lds.org/general-conference/october-2012-landing-page?lang=eng

"We thank thee, oh God, for a Prophet to guide us in these latter days."