Don't cry because it's over

SMILE because it happened.

This post is going to be more self reflective. Just a heads up.

I realized today that I don't really have a handle on death. The entire concept, the whole idea...it just doesn't sit well with me. I'm not comfortable with it, and I don't like it. Going into nursing, I figured I should get a grip on it real quick.

Let me preface this for a second, just so no one thinks I'm a serious wacko for posting this.
First point: We had to read a book at the beginning of the semester called Life with Big Al. It is about a gentleman who gets early onset Alzheimer's disease and it's basically a journal that his wife (who is his caregiver) keeps through the entire journey until his "graduation day." Reading that book was a challenge on one hand because my grandpa passed away from Alzheimer's a few years ago. So the subject matter struck a chord with me. On the other hand, I couldn't imagine losing my husband...ever. The thought of it makes me burst into tears actually and it fills me with the greatest fear. 

Second point: I'm studying nursing. I'm currently in the gerontology section of the program and I do my clinical in a nursing care facility. I love it. I honestly dread going and never look forward to it, but the second I'm there and see my patients, I'm completely filled will so much love and happiness for all these people that I work with. However, it's also caused me to develop this petrifying fear of aging. But that's another story for another day. 

Third point: I've never had someone close to me pass away besides one set of grandparents. And when both of those happened, it was always a good thing. That sounds morbid, but my grandpa had Alzheimer's...he wasn't there anymore for me. I think I started grieving long before he actually passed away so when it finally happened, it was almost relieving in the sense that when I saw him again, he would know me. He would be the grandpa I remember that knew my face, sang me songs, and always sent me home with a small sandwich bag full of nuts. My grandma's was also good because she was finally with my grandpa again. Who wouldn't be happy about that one?

So back to the whole reason this ever came up--today in my gerontology class we talked about dementia, and Judy Seegmiller (the wife of the gentleman mentioned above with early onset Alzheimer's) came into our class today to talk to us about her experience. It was so beautiful and you can tell she absolutely understands her calling in life. She understands that it was her mission to take care of her husband, and later her son, and all that she has to give to the world. She's amazing. I wish everyone could meet her. Hearing her story though, couldn't help but make me think and wonder. I realized that I really am not comfortable with death and the idea of it. If it comes up, I honestly get so uncomfortable and shy away from it. I feel like being LDS we should have this complacency with death--that it's not over and it's okay. But it still hurts. It doesn't take away the grief you feel knowing that one day you'll see them again. It only gets easier to deal with. 

I called Dan on the way home from class and was just balling. I'm sure he probably thought I'd gone a little off my rocker at the moment, but he's so sweet. He just listens and always reminds me that everything will be alright in the end, and that if it's not alright, it's not the end (among other things). 

I'm not really sure where else I wanted to go with this one. Like I said...it was more of a ramblings to clear my head. I doubt if this one even makes it to being legitimately posted for the blogger world.

I guess if anything that's coming out of this one is that I need to rely on my Heavenly Father for everything, but especially the things I don't understand or can't quite wrap my head around. I'm realizing to take the little things and remember them. Take all those precious moments I have with the people I love and cherish them forever. The thought makes me so so so grateful for the time I do have with Dan, the time I have had, and the time we will have together. I'm so grateful for my eternal marriage, to know that death is not the end (no matter how much I don't like the idea) and that it gives us just one more thing to look forward to. 

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.